This is from a journal entry and Xanga blog post from January 2006...the day I accepted Christ as my Savior.
January 4, 2006
The message was extremely convicting, which is good. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
1 John 1: 5-10:
"This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with Him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make Him out to be a liar and His Word has no place in our lives."
This passage explains exactly what I've done, and even gives a solution for those who need it, like me. It felt like, after I read it and compared it to myself, it was written about me, for me. So cool. So after the message, those of us who were still dwelling in sin but wanted to make things right with God were encouraged to remain seated, in prayer, and then to talk to a staff person about our problem and let them pray for us.
Honestly, I thought about just getting up, leaving with everyone else and healing on my own, but my heart was so heavy I couldn't rise from my seat. As I sat there, praying, I could feel the beating of my heart pick up speed. Tears formed in my eyes but didn't fall. I silently poured out my anguished heart, not caring how the words sounded or what order they came out in. With my eyes closed, I blocked out the worries I'd had about what others would think about me sitting there and focused everything I had on God. I prayed for what seemed like forever, until I had emptied my mind of words to describe my repentance and longing. After about 10 minutes, I picked up my head and blinked away the tears. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw one of the staff members come up beside me. She introduced herself as Sonya Quiet. I told her my name and she asked what was on my heart.
"What did you tell God tonight?"
"A lot," I answered, and between tears, I explained it all. "I've been living a double life, and I want to make it right with God. I'm tired of wearing a mask."
"Would you like me to pray for you?"
I nodded. "Yes."
We bowed our heads, closed our eyes, and she put her arms around me as she prayed.
When she finished, I could feel the burden had lifted. My heart felt lighter, and a sense of peace and comfort washed over me.
I could feel God's forgiveness. I could feel, in my soul, in my mind, that He had forgiven me. Before, I had doubted. I'd been blinded by lies that kept me from believing there was hope for me. Finally, my mind and my soul were cleansed of the guilt and shame that had been weighing me down. The mask has been removed. To be a light for Christ, I have to be genuine.
And now I am.
I am free.