Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Diabetes Blog Week - Clean it Out

"Yesterday we kept stuff in, so today let's clear stuff out.  What is in your diabetic closet that needs to be cleaned out?  This can be an actual physical belonging, or it can be something you're mentally or emotionally hanging on to.  Why are you keeping it and why do you need to get rid of it?" 
I think I have both physical belongings and emotional/mental belongings to clean out.  The physical belongings would be:
  1. Multiple old glucometers that I no longer use or have test strips for.  I'm not sure whether to keep them or sell them/give them away.  
  2. A stuffed panda bear given to me by my very first diabetic friend 19 years ago.  I'm keeping him for sentimental reasons.  He helps me remember I'm not alone in the world.
  3. My old Deltec Cozmo Insulin Pump, because I don't know what to do with it.  It was an expensive piece of medical equipment, but it's probably worthless now.
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As for emotional/mental belongings, there are days and there will always be days when my emotions run wild and doubts creep in.  There are still days when I am vulnerable to the lies that say I can't do it, that I should just give up, that it's too hard.  There are days when I burst into tears because my numbers aren't doing what I want them to do and I don't know why.  

I've cleaned out the emotional baggage from years ago when I suffered from several stages of diabetes-related grief, including denial, anger, and depression.  I look back on my old self and realize how far I've come, how much progress I've made, and I don't want to go back to those old ways.  I am even different from the way I was 1 1/2 - 2 years ago.  

Speaking of which, I suppose the biggest piece of mental baggage I have that I need to get rid of is a fear that I've been slowly chipping away at, loosening its hold on my success drive piece by piece, for over 2 years. 

How can I some day handle pregnancy with diabetes when I can’t even handle my diabetes?

I don't need to keep this fear; it only hinders me.  I need to let go of this fear if I'm ever going to move forward.  I've already seen that I am capable of handling my diabetes, and I now know I can!  Two years can make a big difference and, ever since I first admitted that this was my biggest fear and grabbed the bull by the horns, I've felt this fear slip out of my hands and break into a million pieces.  I have only God to give the glory for shining His life-giving light and truth into my life, and for sending me on a journey to find the answers I needed.  

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