The Eyes

A match was struck.
A light in the darkness
To illuminate the fears
That haunted her past.

Something lurked nearby.
She tripped on a shadow.
Two eyes gleamed
In the candlelight.

She stifled her scream
With the lump in her throat.
"No," she wanted to say.
"You won't hurt me."

The eyes remained
As the shadows danced.
Could it be that the eyes
Belonged to fear itself?

The candlelight fizzed
And darkness enveloped
The girl in salvation.
The eyes couldn't hurt her.
February 27, 2014

~RDP copyright.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

I get mysterious bruises all the time.  I’m a clumsy person.  I run into walls, chairs, tables, counters…if it’s in my path, you name it, I hit it.  Sometimes I’m walking too fast to care.  Or I turn around and BAM it’s right there.  Hiking can be treacherous.  I trip on tree roots, rocks, logs.  I have horrible balance, too.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked,

“Where did that come from?” 

“How did I get that?”

Have you ever gotten a bruise or cut you didn’t know you had because you didn’t feel it when you got it?  Maybe you felt it but you chose to ignore it.  Then later you realized it was there because something else made you look down and notice it.

That’s what I’m going through right now, on an emotional/spiritual level.

I don’t expect you to understand.  I just know I’m here, confused, hurt, and distrustful. 

Why?  Because I’ve realized something: I am not ashamed. 

This time, the mysterious cuts and bruises were not caused by anything I did.  They were caused by so-called spiritual leaders who thought they were doing the right thing but in fact were just covering up the truth with lies and deception to protect their “holy” appearance before their congregation. 

I was smeared with dirt and spit on.

I was refused help and forced out.

I was betrayed and isolated, left for dead.

I was shown no mercy, no love. 

That’s right, Cedar Brook.  I mean you.

Now with the whole lawsuit surrounding SGM/Covenant Life, along with some other concerning things I’ve received as counsel from different sources connected to it, I’m feeling new bruises and seeing old ones come to light.

Both churches have 3 things in common: 

1.      Lies
2.      Deception
3.      Cover ups

As a result, everything I’ve learned is being questioned.  Everything I believe is being scrutinized.  I don’t know what to believe any more, and I don’t know who to trust.  The spiritual leaders I’ve followed so far have done nothing but let me down.  Walls are going up in my heart as I strive to save what little I have left of my faith. 

Let me just put something straight.  I am not losing my faith.  I am not renouncing my faith.  I am questioning what I have learned, DECONSTRUCTING the wrong beliefs I have, and planning on REBUILDING my beliefs when I have regained my trust.

Because that’s the root here.  My trust is broken, severed by the people I thought were supposed to be trustworthy and helpful.  My scars are so deep and my trust is so broken that the walls around my heart are getting bigger and stronger every day.  They want to keep everything that could harm me out.

And maybe that’s what I need right now.  I don’t need outside influences or controversial issues trying to reach in and sway me to their side.  I need peace, I need solitude, and I need God.  I need to be alone with my wounds so I can clean them out, bandage them, and let them heal.     

Letting this pain come to the surface and rear its ugly head has shown me that repression is not healthy.  Denial is not healthy.  Ignoring it is not healthy.  The only way I’m going to heal is by acknowledging what has broken my trust and facing it with the intention of moving past it and healing. 

However, I’m not quite sure how to do that. 
How do I face my pain? 
How do I deconstruct my faith?
How do I rebuild my faith?
How do I trust again?
How do I heal?

It feels so hard to reach, and so far to go until I get there.  Sometimes, it barely feels possible.  But my past still haunts me, and living like this day in and day out is not helping.  The pain isn’t going away and, even if it takes the rest of my life, I am going to focus on pushing forward and healing.

Now, if I could just get out of this cage.             

Wrestling with Questions and An Abusive Theology

Wrestling with Questions

What’s the difference between being discontent and desiring a change of scenery?

What’s the difference between being discontent and desiring to raise a family in a better place than you were raised?

Where do you draw the line between being unhappy with where you are and wanting something simpler, something freeing, something different, something fresh, something better for your future?

Where do you go for the answer?  

Do you look inside yourself?  

Do you look to other people and follow their example?  

Do you read a book, pour through Scripture for the magic verse that answers your soul’s conundrum?  

How do you differentiate your desires from God’s desires from others’ desires?

An Abusive Theology

I recently read a blog post by Rachel Held Evans about what some would consider an abusive theology, taught by John Piper.  That abusive theology is this: You are doing better than you deserve.  Or:  Being abused is better than you deserve. 

I was once told this phrase by someone I respect and, at the time, it made me feel better because there is some level of truth to it.  As sinners, we all deserve to burn in Hell, to be eternally damned, and to be separated from God’s Holy Presence forever.  And all these things are worse than Earthly abuse. 

BUT:  This phrase, this theology, does nothing to help the abuse victim heal.  It leaves them in a broken state with no hope for repair or recovery.  It tells them that they are lucky to have only been abused – and that is how they continue to see themselves for years afterward! 

The problem with this is that:

Abuse of any kind is NEVER okay. 
Abuse goes against the very nature of God.  God abhors abuse!

To leave an abuse victim in the mental clutches of their past abuse experiences is to sentence them to a lifetime of torment, angst, and false identity.  They continue to see themselves as a victim rather than as a valuable human being.  They cling to the thought that being a victim is their only lot in life – that they should be grateful they didn’t suffer something worse.  They wrestle with fears of being targeted again, with trusting people again, with feeling like they are only good for being an object, with feeling worthless and degraded.  

I know because I’ve been there. 

I’m going to come out and say it now:  I have been abused.  I have been abused and I am still dealing with the negative effects from that experience years later.  I’m not talking about spiritual or mental abuse, either.  I mean physical and sexual abuse.

I was touched and physically restrained, while also being emotionally manipulated, by a boy who claimed to be a Christian.  The experience scared me so much that I told my then guy-friend, now-husband, about it and he stepped in to defend me against any possible future attacks.  Thankfully, there were none, but the negative effects did not disappear.  

Right after it happened, I became immensely afraid of my abuser.  I did not want to have any contact with or see him again.
I questioned my worth. 

I struggled to trust people, especially men. 

I felt like an object.  

I felt dehumanized and violated.  

And I still have nightmares about being targeted again.    

These hurts, these feelings, are not going to go away just by believing that being abused was better than I deserved, that I’m lucky to have only been abused.  In fact, it makes me angry that this theology serves to brush abuse victims aside and tell them that they should essentially “be grateful” for being abused.   

Physical, sexual, mental, and emotional abuse are things that I do not wish on anyone at any time.  And you know what?  Neither does God.

God does not show His love for us by making us suffer on Earth.  He showed His love for us by sending His Son to suffer on Earth for us.  All the suffering and abuse in this world is caused by sin, which we chose to bring to Earth when we turned our back on God and decided to live our lives our way.  But He sent His Innocent, Perfect Son to suffer the punishment and death we deserved so that we could be adopted by Him as His beloved children.  Not His abused children, His beloved children.      

What is your take on this abusive theology?  If you have been abused, what steps have you taken to heal?