I
get mysterious bruises all the time. I’m
a clumsy person. I run into walls,
chairs, tables, counters…if it’s in my path, you name it, I hit it. Sometimes I’m walking too fast to care. Or I turn around and BAM it’s right
there. Hiking can be treacherous. I trip on tree roots, rocks, logs. I have horrible balance, too. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked,
“Where
did that come from?”
“How
did I get that?”
Have
you ever gotten a bruise or cut you didn’t know you had because you didn’t feel
it when you got it? Maybe you felt it
but you chose to ignore it. Then later
you realized it was there because something else made you look down and notice
it.
That’s
what I’m going through right now, on an emotional/spiritual level.
I
don’t expect you to understand. I just
know I’m here, confused, hurt, and distrustful.
Why? Because I’ve realized something: I am not ashamed.
This
time, the mysterious cuts and bruises were not caused by anything I did. They were caused by so-called spiritual
leaders who thought they were doing the right thing but in fact were just
covering up the truth with lies and deception to protect their “holy”
appearance before their congregation.
I
was smeared with dirt and spit on.
I
was refused help and forced out.
I
was betrayed and isolated, left for dead.
I
was shown no mercy, no love.
That’s
right, Cedar Brook. I mean you.
Now
with the whole lawsuit surrounding SGM/Covenant Life, along with some other
concerning things I’ve received as counsel from different sources connected to
it, I’m feeling new bruises and seeing old ones come to light.
Both
churches have 3 things in common:
1. Lies
2. Deception
3. Cover ups
As
a result, everything I’ve learned is being questioned. Everything I believe is being scrutinized. I don’t know what to believe any more, and I
don’t know who to trust. The spiritual
leaders I’ve followed so far have done nothing but let me down. Walls are going up in my heart as I strive to
save what little I have left of my faith.
Let
me just put something straight. I am not
losing my faith. I am not renouncing my
faith. I am questioning what I have
learned, DECONSTRUCTING the wrong beliefs I have, and planning on REBUILDING my
beliefs when I have regained my trust.
Because
that’s the root here. My trust is broken,
severed by the people I thought were supposed to be trustworthy and helpful. My scars are so deep and my trust is so
broken that the walls around my heart are getting bigger and stronger every day. They want to keep everything that could harm
me out.
And
maybe that’s what I need right now. I
don’t need outside influences or controversial issues trying to reach in and
sway me to their side. I need peace, I
need solitude, and I need God. I need to
be alone with my wounds so I can clean them out, bandage them, and let them
heal.
Letting
this pain come to the surface and rear its ugly head has shown me that
repression is not healthy. Denial is not
healthy. Ignoring it is not healthy. The only way I’m going to heal is by
acknowledging what has broken my trust and facing it with the intention of moving
past it and healing.
However,
I’m not quite sure how to do that.
How do I face my pain?
How do I deconstruct my faith?
How do I rebuild my faith?
How do I trust again?
How do I heal?
How do I face my pain?
How do I deconstruct my faith?
How do I rebuild my faith?
How do I trust again?
How do I heal?
It
feels so hard to reach, and so far to go until I get there. Sometimes, it barely feels possible. But my past still haunts me, and living like
this day in and day out is not helping.
The pain isn’t going away and, even if it takes the rest of my life, I
am going to focus on pushing forward and healing.
Now,
if I could just get out of this cage.
