UNDER CONSTRUCTION

I get mysterious bruises all the time.  I’m a clumsy person.  I run into walls, chairs, tables, counters…if it’s in my path, you name it, I hit it.  Sometimes I’m walking too fast to care.  Or I turn around and BAM it’s right there.  Hiking can be treacherous.  I trip on tree roots, rocks, logs.  I have horrible balance, too.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked,

“Where did that come from?” 

“How did I get that?”

Have you ever gotten a bruise or cut you didn’t know you had because you didn’t feel it when you got it?  Maybe you felt it but you chose to ignore it.  Then later you realized it was there because something else made you look down and notice it.

That’s what I’m going through right now, on an emotional/spiritual level.

I don’t expect you to understand.  I just know I’m here, confused, hurt, and distrustful. 

Why?  Because I’ve realized something: I am not ashamed. 

This time, the mysterious cuts and bruises were not caused by anything I did.  They were caused by so-called spiritual leaders who thought they were doing the right thing but in fact were just covering up the truth with lies and deception to protect their “holy” appearance before their congregation. 

I was smeared with dirt and spit on.

I was refused help and forced out.

I was betrayed and isolated, left for dead.

I was shown no mercy, no love. 

That’s right, Cedar Brook.  I mean you.

Now with the whole lawsuit surrounding SGM/Covenant Life, along with some other concerning things I’ve received as counsel from different sources connected to it, I’m feeling new bruises and seeing old ones come to light.

Both churches have 3 things in common: 

1.      Lies
2.      Deception
3.      Cover ups

As a result, everything I’ve learned is being questioned.  Everything I believe is being scrutinized.  I don’t know what to believe any more, and I don’t know who to trust.  The spiritual leaders I’ve followed so far have done nothing but let me down.  Walls are going up in my heart as I strive to save what little I have left of my faith. 

Let me just put something straight.  I am not losing my faith.  I am not renouncing my faith.  I am questioning what I have learned, DECONSTRUCTING the wrong beliefs I have, and planning on REBUILDING my beliefs when I have regained my trust.

Because that’s the root here.  My trust is broken, severed by the people I thought were supposed to be trustworthy and helpful.  My scars are so deep and my trust is so broken that the walls around my heart are getting bigger and stronger every day.  They want to keep everything that could harm me out.

And maybe that’s what I need right now.  I don’t need outside influences or controversial issues trying to reach in and sway me to their side.  I need peace, I need solitude, and I need God.  I need to be alone with my wounds so I can clean them out, bandage them, and let them heal.     

Letting this pain come to the surface and rear its ugly head has shown me that repression is not healthy.  Denial is not healthy.  Ignoring it is not healthy.  The only way I’m going to heal is by acknowledging what has broken my trust and facing it with the intention of moving past it and healing. 

However, I’m not quite sure how to do that. 
How do I face my pain? 
How do I deconstruct my faith?
How do I rebuild my faith?
How do I trust again?
How do I heal?

It feels so hard to reach, and so far to go until I get there.  Sometimes, it barely feels possible.  But my past still haunts me, and living like this day in and day out is not helping.  The pain isn’t going away and, even if it takes the rest of my life, I am going to focus on pushing forward and healing.

Now, if I could just get out of this cage.             

True Love - How I Knew He Was The One

I love being able to answer people when they ask me, “How did you know he was the one?”  There’s something magical, almost surreal, about the feeling I get when I think back…

5 years ago, I still had no idea who he was – who my “True Love” was – or when I would meet him.  Turns out I didn’t have to go looking or even wait long (God moved him into my care group right after I joined it myself). 

As our friendship grew, so did my desire to be his helper.  That was something new for me.  Never had I ever held that desire; I knew that those feelings had not originated with me and immediately realized there was Someone else at work.  I asked God to strengthen my love for and desire to help Daniel if His will was for us to be together.  Little by little, day by day, joy by joy, trial by trial, His answer was growing clearer.

If you don’t know Daniel, you should get to know him.  I have been nothing but blessed since I became his friend (best friend/girlfriend/betrothed/wife in 20 days).  Daniel understands me better than anyone.  He is introverted like me so he understands my need for personal “recharging” time.  He is not critical of me and he does not demand my attention; he values my input and seeks it out, even if it means waiting patiently for me to find my voice; he’s sensitive and considerate of my needs and desires; he prays over & for me when I tell him I need it, and also when I don't; he reassures me when I doubt and reminds me of God’s truth when I forget it; he’s the most comforting shoulder to cry on, and the safest arms to hide in; he shares my burdens, fights off my fears, and bandages my hurts; he checks on my diabetes care; he vows to always love me and stand by me, to cherish & honor me, to protect me with his dying breath.  He’s the most genuine, sincere, loyal, affectionate, and determined young man I know. 

I say loyal & determined because I’ve walked alongside Daniel through a variety of trials – particularly financial difficulties – and though job after job fell through, and giving up seemed to ever loom on the horizon, we pushed through together and Daniel never gave me the impression that staying with me wasn’t worth it.  Rather, he expressed the exact opposite.  I was (and still am) his motivation.  If I wasn’t in the picture, chasing a career or job wouldn’t be on his radar; he’d continue to live at home and not rush forward into making something of his career life.    

Anyway, last winter, before Christmas of 2011, the weight of the job losses and the length of time it was taking for us to move forward into marriage pushed me into a dark depression – probably the darkest since high school.  I felt myself giving into fear and doubt about whether we were ever going to be together.  Satan took that moment of weakness to slowly feed me lies. 

“Give up; marry someone richer.” 

He was so deceitful that, at times, it felt like I was arguing with myself. 

“No, I couldn’t do that to him.” 

“He’s never going to get anywhere.”

“Why should I leave him?”

“He’ll never find a job.  He’ll never be able to support you…you’re too much of a financial burden.”

I cringed.  Truthfully, I’ve always felt like a financial burden, even in spite of Daniel’s reassurances that I’m not one.  Satan pounded away until, all at once, another voice broke through. 

A whisper. 

The lies were literally silenced.

A gentle, firm answer resounded in my soul. 

“Satan does not want you together because I DO.”

I paused, letting those words rush over me. 

The basic truth that what God loves, Satan hates flooded into my mind and it all made sense.  Of course Satan didn’t want us together!  He didn’t want us to fulfill what God had planned for us!  And God wanted us together!

What relief!  Confidence and peace filled my soul!  The lies were gone; Satan’s plot was foiled.  He slunk away with his forked tail between his legs.  His lies were nothing to fear after hearing and understanding even that one little part of God’s plan.  I was so amazed that He would make His purpose so clear – and (during that mental bout) I hadn’t even asked Him to do that!  How good and kind of God to speak so clearly and comfort my troubled soul in that moment of need!

That one whisper has changed my life.  I know for certain that moving forward in life as Daniel's wife is what God has planned for me, that marriage is what God has planned for us, and that it is a good plan because it is God's plan...it's not Rachel's plan, or Daniel's plan, but God's.  It has been from before there was time and God deserves all the praise for bringing us together.  

I might also add that my financial fears no longer plague me.  Daniel’s job will be provided when and where God best sees fit.  My job will be provided the same way – and in fact, God has graciously given me one and allowed me to hold another small job on the side.  I have faith for our future provisions because God will always do what is best for us. 

A bad economy won’t stop Him. 

A corrupt government won’t stop Him. 

Satan won’t stop Him.       

And in 20 days I will be 

                                        Mrs. Daniel Payne.

When I Am Afraid

"When I am afraid, 

I put my trust in You.

In God, whose Word I praise,

In God I trust; I shall not be afraid.

What can flesh do to me?

You have kept count of my tossings [wanderings];

put my tears in a bottle.  

Are they not in Your book?"

Psalm 56:3-4, 8

I remember, when I was little, singing a song based on this verse.

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you, I will trust in you, I will trust in you.  When I am afraid, I will trust in you, In God whose Word I praise."  Back then, I never thought I'd have such paralyzing fears.  Maybe little ones, like spiders and the dark and getting a spanking, but not ones that would inhibit my spiritual growth.   

Through high school, and even more recently, verse 8 has come to mean more to me than I ever thought it would.  Meditating on it, I began to gleam the message between the lines.  God knows all the struggles I've been through.  He knows all the tears I've shed...ever.  Not only that, but He has collected them, stored away and recorded.  He loves me so much that not a single tear has slipped past Him.  He's been there, beside me, catching them off my cheek and dropping them into the bottle with every last one I've ever cried.  He knows how many there are, which ones were cried for which occasion, and how many more I've yet to cry.  All because of love.        

All through August, I began to realize that I was struggling with several big fears - fears that were crippling my relationship with God and others and making it difficult for me to sleep and have joy.  I didn't feel close to God.  I desired to be near Him, but I didn't know what to do.  

At the beginning of September, my care group leader sent out an email about a fear study that was being hosted by a few of the ladies in my church.  I immediately signed up for the class and - I have to say - it was the best decision I could've made.

We went through "When I Am Afraid" by Edward T. Welch, kept personal fear journals, meditated on relevant scriptures, completed the 3 Trees for our different fears and met each week to encourage and hear from one another.

The fears I recognized in myself:

Fear of Man

Fear of Financial Ruin

I'm sure I've lived with both fears for pretty much all of my life.  I've always been shy, quiet, and reserved.  I'm an introvert.  I spend a lot of time self-analyzing, thinking and dwelling on whatever I deem important, whether it's positive or negative.  I've almost always felt self-conscious, unsure of myself, timid and afraid of ridicule and rejection when faced with voicing my opinions.   

As for fear of financial ruin, my family has never been rich, never made much money.  They even had to declare bankruptcy at one point.  Being on my own now, I am keenly aware of how much money everything costs and how much money I don't have.  Although I don't buy a lot of luxuries (really, I only get the bare necessities), I still find myself cringing at the cost of living in this area.  I have become a penny pincher, to some degree.  "Every penny counts," they say.  After all, 1 cent is the difference between $0.99 and $1.00.

But God.
It's so amazing that I can see how His hand was orchestrating all of this - and even what's happening now, after the class is over.  

• That I would realize I was fearful and desired to fight my fears but didn't know how.
•  That the fear study was organized and held when I needed it.
• That my care group leader alerted me to the class.
• That I learned to identify and combat the fears I faced with Scripture.
• That I made new friends, who encouraged me to continue with my writing, and that a few of my poems from high school touched and blessed the group (years after they'd been written, no less) by speaking to the problems we all had.
• That I stepped out of my comfort zone and read my poems out loud, despite my nervousness (and there was no ridicule, only praise and encouragement).

He opened my eyes to the false prophecies I’d been telling myself, the control I’d been giving other people over my life, the unfailing promises of good and prosperity He has made to me, and the lack of trust I’d been giving Him in return.  That lack of trust stemmed from a lack of love. 

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."

1 John 4:18 

No wonder I didn't feel close to Him.  I was fearful, and the opposite of love is fear.  I wasn't loving Him, so I wasn't trusting Him.  After all, when you love someone, you trust them, don't you?  You trust them with your hopes and dreams, your affections and emotions, your secrets and desires.  You trust that they'll trust you in return.  

I was living like an orphan, believing it was all up to me to fight my fears.  

But God.  

My Father was right there, holding my hand, waiting for me to let Him fight them for me.

"God is our refuge and strength, 

a very present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, 

though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, 

though its waters roar and foam, 

though the mountains tremble at its swelling." 
Psalm 46:1-3