19th Diaversary - From Darkness to Light

Today marks the 19th anniversary (or Diaversary, as we Diabetics say) of the day I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.  I almost can't believe it's been that long but, as I look back on all the years I struggled with my numbers, I can see that I have certainly gone through a lot in that length of time.

I'm so grateful.  I'm so grateful that God was patient with me when I was in darkness and sin, when I was in a bitter depression and raging against Him because I couldn't understand why He'd allowed me to get Diabetes.  I'm so grateful He protected me when I was tempted to just end it all and be done with myself.  I'm so grateful He stayed with me every step of the way and brought me out of the Valley of the Shadow of Death.  The green meadows and still waters are very much there, real, present.     

And I can only be grateful because of who He is and what He's done for me.  I'm also beginning to see the reason for it all.

Since the beginning of this year, when I discovered Dr. Bernstein's Diabetes Solution and the Low Carb, High Fat diet, I've felt God press something on my heart...that this LCHF diet is a good thing.  A necessary thing.  A lifesaving thing.

Just a few months ago, after receiving the news that my father was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes, things really started to sink in.  This wasn't just something God was pressing on my heart for my good, but for the good of others.  And I knew it was something that He wanted me to pursue for His glory.  He was growing my passion for holistic nutrition, and I could feel it.  It was a burning passion I could feel so clearly. 

You may not know this but I subscribed to the Simple Carbohydrate Diet or SCD Lifestyle blog over a year ago when I was first looking for a healthier way to manage my Celiac and diabetes.  Then, a month ago, I was invited to attend a free webinar hosted by Jordan Reasoner, Steve Wright, and guest speaker Cynthia Pasquella.  I knew it had something to do with nutrition and decided to see what they had to say.

So what was the webinar about?  Holistic Nutritionist Training at their online academy.  My interest was beyond piqued and I started looking into it.  However, after doing some research, I didn't feel that their academy was the best place for me - their spiritual training courses did not line up with my own beliefs.  So I went in search of another academy that would be a better fit for me.

And I found it.

Now things have gone from Darkness to Light.

Diabetes (eventually) sparked a desire for better blood sugar control, which I have found by following a LCHF diet.  This diet, or way of eating, has fueled in me a desire to help other struggling diabetics obtain the same thing I've found.  And it seems God has opened up a door for me to be able to help them do so by giving me a passion for pursuing a Biblical Holistic Nutritionist Certification.  Please be praying that I'll continue to seek His will, and that He will open up all the doors I need to step through to make this happen.  By God's grace, He will see me through. 

"Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body."  1 Corinthians 6: 19-20 NLT

"No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it."  Ephesians 5:29 NLT

Amazing Improvement in 2 Weeks!

I'm amazed...simply blown away.  God has shown me such kindness by placing me with a Nurse Practitioner who truly knows her stuff.  She doesn't just tell me what to do - she listens to me and suggests things based on what I know about how my body responds.

It's been 2 weeks since my appointment with Carrie and right from the start I noticed a difference in my numbers.  After 2 weeks, I'm truly excited about what I'm seeing - it's not just a fluke or a one time deal...it's real, actual improvement!  After years of struggling with a seemingly hopeless roller coaster, a recent attitude change on my part, and a slight insulin tweak, I'm seeing a huge difference in my numbers for the better!  See for yourself! 

Here are the stats:

• From January 10-16 (Week 1), my average blood sugar was 197.  The red line shows my average number for this week.
• From January 17-23 (Week 2), my average blood sugar was 156.  The blue line shows my average number for this week.
• There is a 21% average blood sugar improvement between Week 1 & 2. 
• Week 1 has 33% in target.
• Week 2 has 47% in target!

Thank you all for following my Diabetic Journey, and for walking with me as I continue to take steps to improve my blood sugar numbers.  Achieving a normal A1C has always seemed like an impossible feat, but as I press on toward the goal and rest in Jesus's strength and power I see the impossible become possible.

Stay on Target

I went in for fasting labs on Monday morning.  They were quick and painless...3 tubes full of blood and I was done.   

On Wednesday, I got an email saying that my transmitter had finally been shipped...and what's more, it had already been delivered!  I ran out of the bedroom to find that it was laying on the kitchen floor in the FedEx box, which DP had brought in before he left for work.  I opened it up and praised God for its timely delivery (it had been over-nighted to me before I knew it had even been shipped!).  I would've put it on right then and there but I was delayed by a family emergency.  ;)

Today, I went in for my 3pm appointment.  After the nurse went over the usual questions and medicine doses, Carrie came in to discuss my numbers and lab work.  The first thing she pointed out was my A1C.  It had dropped a whole percentage from 11.1 to 10.1!!  I was so thrilled!  I reached my goal for August!

She then went on to say that both my HDL & LDL cholesterol levels were normal and the rest of my lab work came back normal.  Even my thyroid is where it should be!  I couldn't believe it!  Even though my A1C is still high, I found it to be a very good health report card!

She suggested that I start my Dexcom today and set my low at 70 and not to set my high alert so that I wouldn't get annoyed at it right off the bat for going off all the time.  Every week or two I'll set it 50 points lower until I get it down to about 200.  I'll be coming back in 6 weeks so they can see how my Dexcom is doing.

I told her I'd be pressing on toward my next goal...9%!!  And 7% by the year's end.  She smiled and said, "Then you can start baby-making."  Yup!   

After watching the tutorial video, I now have my Dexcom sensor and transmitter in place.  My receiver is all set up and ready for action.  At 6:45pm, I'll do my first calibration session.  Until then, I've got a yummy dinner to make in celebration of this wonderful news and God's goodness!

My Dexcom is on the way!

Today started out rough - dealing with some introvert fatigue and other minor annoyances.  I missed a call from Dexcom but called them back and left a message.  4 1/2 hours later, they called back.  I am now happy to report that...
I placed my order for a pink Dexcom G4 Platinum!  

 The rep I talked to asked how often I check my blood sugar.  I told him 5-10 times a day and he said I'd only have to test it twice with the Dexcom.  Wow, that is going to help me out even more than I thought!  It will cut down on my test strip needs!  I go through 150 of them in 15-30 days.  Now they'll last me up to 75 days!

I asked him when I would receive my Dexcom in the mail.  He said it should arrive via FedEx on Thursday!  I couldn't believe my ears!  That's just in time for my birthday!  I had been hoping that I would have it by then!  I started crying tears of joy once I got off the phone.  I'm still shaking a little from amazement...how good God is!  

Thursday can't come soon enough!

Starting on the Journey - Diabetes

I had an appointment with my new endocrinologist (diabetes doctor) and nurse practitioner this morning.  After my in-office blood sugar (169 mg/dl) and vitals were taken (turns out I’m 5’ 11 3/4”!) and the nurse went through the standard medical history questions, Carrie, my nurse practitioner, came in and asked about my diabetes care routine.  She then checked my feet, pulse, and lungs/heartbeat.  

After that, she told me about some new medicines that were on the market that some Type 1 Diabetics use to control their blood sugar and asked if I’d ever been on an insulin pump.  I told her I had, several years ago, and that I preferred being “unhooked” from a pump with tubing, especially since my old endocrinologist had told me that being on a pump with my lack of discipline was dangerous for my health (when Dr. Bussey heard this, he said that was a bunch of malarkey).  

I told her about my desperate need for the Dexcom G4 Platinum Continuous Glucose Monitoring System, and she confirmed that it was a good system with the highest accuracy available.  She looked over my blood sugar numbers from the past few weeks (which they had downloaded from my glucometer), asked me some questions about them, and gave me an informational packet about the Dexcom.  She then left the room to get Dr. Bussey, the endo.  

When they both returned, Dr. Bussey made some suggestions for adjusting my insulin doses.  He said since my numbers were still running high that I should increase my overnight basal insulin by 2 units, adjust my insulin-to-carb ratio (changing it from 1 unit per 12 grams to 1 unit per 9 grams), and changing my correction factor from 60 points over 120 to 50 points over 120.

We then discussed my plans for the future regarding children.  I told him we were thinking not for another year or two down the road, especially since my numbers are so high and our finances aren't quite where they need to be.  Dr. Bussey told me that the best A1c during pregnancy is about 5 (but 6 or 7 was okay) and that the most precise way to maintain that much control for a pregnant Type 1 Diabetic would come from being on an insulin pump – however, it was not required.  I’m still undecided on the matter.  I know I at least want a Dexcom.    

My current A1c is 11% (average blood sugar of 269) – so I balked a little.  A chart on the wall across from me said that an A1c of 7% equates to an average blood sugar of 154.  6% = 126.  The lowest I remember my A1c ever being is about 9 (212 mg/dl)…5, 6, and 7 all seem so hard (nay, impossible) to achieve!  However, he assured me that getting my A1c down that low IS possible and they are going to keep me accountable as I work to get my numbers down, down, down.  They told me they wanted me to come back in 2 weeks to go over carb counting (although they are sure I know what to do) and insulin pump therapy information.  I’ll then come back at the end of August for fasting labs.

Before I left, they had me do some lab work for them (a quick and painless blood draw).  I left feeling encouraged but also a little daunted.  I know I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I hope that having a team of people who are committed to seeing me improve my health will give me the motivation I need to succeed.  Obviously the core determination has to come from my desire to prepare the best I can for the future.  I know that with God’s help, all things are possible – even the things that seem impossible.                                  

Dear Aurora

Dear Aurora,                                               March 7, 2014

Tonight, while I was knitting, your Daddy came in and asked what I was making.   

“A scarf?” he asked.  He loves scarves!
“Nope,” I grinned.
“A sweater?”
“Nope.”
“Socks?”
“Nope.”
“Gloves?”
“Nope.”  He’s not very good at guessing, is he?  Heehee.
“I give up.”
“A blanket,” I told him.  “I hope she likes it.”  (Isn't it pretty, pink and blue and purple?  All different colors, like an aurora in the sky.) 
“She?  Is there something you need to tell me?”
I giggled, knowing he would say something like that.  Ever since I’ve joked around about being pregnant, he’s been on high alert.  “No, silly.  I knew you would think that.  I’m just knitting this for Aurora because I can…and because I want to.”

My darling daughter, whenever God decides to bring you into our lives, I want you to know something.  Right now, as I write this, you have not even been conceived yet.  But, your Daddy and I have already picked out your name, and we are already looking forward to having you in our lives.  You are already precious to us.  You are already loved by us. 

I can only imagine that this is sort of what it was like for God before He created the world and us in it.  In the book of Jeremiah, God tells us that “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you.”  He knows everything about you.  He knows how many hairs you will have on your head, what color your eyes will be, what sorts of things you will like and dislike, even what every single day of your life will be like because He has already numbered them all for you.

God knows you and loves you more personally and intimately than anyone ever will…even more than your Daddy and me.  We hope and pray that as you get older you come to know how precious you truly are to Him and to us, and how much we desire to see you grow into a beautiful woman of God.

With love now and forever,
Mommy         

What Made Me Smile (Again) This Week

This week was my youngest brother Ben's birthday and, while I was writing a birthday message to him, I remembered the instance back in December that not only made me smile but I know must have made Jesus smile, too.  

I was at church helping the cast and crew of the Christmas play by painting a town scene for the backdrop of the set.  As I stood with my back to the kids (my 4 little siblings included) who had made half of the room their playground while the grown ups rehearsed and worked on more set details, I was privileged to overhear their conversation.  

Ben had brought a huge box of his toys (mostly cars) with him and two of his little friends were oohing and aahing over them.  "We're collecting old cars," one of them said.  I heard them dig through the box and then -CRASH - they dumped them all out on the floor.  I kept painting.

"Ooh, this one's cool," the other one said.

"You can have it," Ben replied.

"What about this one?" 

"You can have it," Ben said again.

The boys kept pulling out cars and talking about them.  Then Ben was asked about another car.  His response was slightly different but it melted my heart.

"I love that one...but you can have it."  (Italics for emphasis)

To hear a little boy so willing to give away one of his beloved toys so quickly, so easily, and without a second thought is so rare.  Usually my ears hear the all too familiar words, "That's mine!" and "No, you can't have that!"  Even some grown ups are so selfish and that selfishness is sinful human nature.  We are born with it.  We don't know how to be loving, how to be selfless, apart from God because God is love.  

For Ben to be so selfless with something he loves is of God.

And that, my friends, makes me happier than a smile can express.

Sometimes Life Is Like Headphones

“Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls.” Psalm 42:7

Sometimes I just need to escape.

Sometimes I just need a break.  

Sometimes I just need to stop and be still.  

Sometimes should happen more often.

Life is too busy.  

Life is too stressful.  

Life is too demanding.

Life is too much.

Is your schedule packed?

Is your social life non-existent?

Is your spiritual walk suffering?

Is that any way to treat God?

Like to do your own thing?

Like to be selfish with your time?

Like to drown out the world?

Like to lay around?

Headphones isolate you.

Headphones drown out your surroundings.

Headphones distract you from what's really important. 

Headphones keep you from hearing God.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

I get mysterious bruises all the time.  I’m a clumsy person.  I run into walls, chairs, tables, counters…if it’s in my path, you name it, I hit it.  Sometimes I’m walking too fast to care.  Or I turn around and BAM it’s right there.  Hiking can be treacherous.  I trip on tree roots, rocks, logs.  I have horrible balance, too.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked,

“Where did that come from?” 

“How did I get that?”

Have you ever gotten a bruise or cut you didn’t know you had because you didn’t feel it when you got it?  Maybe you felt it but you chose to ignore it.  Then later you realized it was there because something else made you look down and notice it.

That’s what I’m going through right now, on an emotional/spiritual level.

I don’t expect you to understand.  I just know I’m here, confused, hurt, and distrustful. 

Why?  Because I’ve realized something: I am not ashamed. 

This time, the mysterious cuts and bruises were not caused by anything I did.  They were caused by so-called spiritual leaders who thought they were doing the right thing but in fact were just covering up the truth with lies and deception to protect their “holy” appearance before their congregation. 

I was smeared with dirt and spit on.

I was refused help and forced out.

I was betrayed and isolated, left for dead.

I was shown no mercy, no love. 

That’s right, Cedar Brook.  I mean you.

Now with the whole lawsuit surrounding SGM/Covenant Life, along with some other concerning things I’ve received as counsel from different sources connected to it, I’m feeling new bruises and seeing old ones come to light.

Both churches have 3 things in common: 

1.      Lies
2.      Deception
3.      Cover ups

As a result, everything I’ve learned is being questioned.  Everything I believe is being scrutinized.  I don’t know what to believe any more, and I don’t know who to trust.  The spiritual leaders I’ve followed so far have done nothing but let me down.  Walls are going up in my heart as I strive to save what little I have left of my faith. 

Let me just put something straight.  I am not losing my faith.  I am not renouncing my faith.  I am questioning what I have learned, DECONSTRUCTING the wrong beliefs I have, and planning on REBUILDING my beliefs when I have regained my trust.

Because that’s the root here.  My trust is broken, severed by the people I thought were supposed to be trustworthy and helpful.  My scars are so deep and my trust is so broken that the walls around my heart are getting bigger and stronger every day.  They want to keep everything that could harm me out.

And maybe that’s what I need right now.  I don’t need outside influences or controversial issues trying to reach in and sway me to their side.  I need peace, I need solitude, and I need God.  I need to be alone with my wounds so I can clean them out, bandage them, and let them heal.     

Letting this pain come to the surface and rear its ugly head has shown me that repression is not healthy.  Denial is not healthy.  Ignoring it is not healthy.  The only way I’m going to heal is by acknowledging what has broken my trust and facing it with the intention of moving past it and healing. 

However, I’m not quite sure how to do that. 
How do I face my pain? 
How do I deconstruct my faith?
How do I rebuild my faith?
How do I trust again?
How do I heal?

It feels so hard to reach, and so far to go until I get there.  Sometimes, it barely feels possible.  But my past still haunts me, and living like this day in and day out is not helping.  The pain isn’t going away and, even if it takes the rest of my life, I am going to focus on pushing forward and healing.

Now, if I could just get out of this cage.             

Wrestling with Questions and An Abusive Theology

Wrestling with Questions

What’s the difference between being discontent and desiring a change of scenery?

What’s the difference between being discontent and desiring to raise a family in a better place than you were raised?

Where do you draw the line between being unhappy with where you are and wanting something simpler, something freeing, something different, something fresh, something better for your future?

Where do you go for the answer?  

Do you look inside yourself?  

Do you look to other people and follow their example?  

Do you read a book, pour through Scripture for the magic verse that answers your soul’s conundrum?  

How do you differentiate your desires from God’s desires from others’ desires?

An Abusive Theology

I recently read a blog post by Rachel Held Evans about what some would consider an abusive theology, taught by John Piper.  That abusive theology is this: You are doing better than you deserve.  Or:  Being abused is better than you deserve. 

I was once told this phrase by someone I respect and, at the time, it made me feel better because there is some level of truth to it.  As sinners, we all deserve to burn in Hell, to be eternally damned, and to be separated from God’s Holy Presence forever.  And all these things are worse than Earthly abuse. 

BUT:  This phrase, this theology, does nothing to help the abuse victim heal.  It leaves them in a broken state with no hope for repair or recovery.  It tells them that they are lucky to have only been abused – and that is how they continue to see themselves for years afterward! 

The problem with this is that:

Abuse of any kind is NEVER okay. 
Abuse goes against the very nature of God.  God abhors abuse!

To leave an abuse victim in the mental clutches of their past abuse experiences is to sentence them to a lifetime of torment, angst, and false identity.  They continue to see themselves as a victim rather than as a valuable human being.  They cling to the thought that being a victim is their only lot in life – that they should be grateful they didn’t suffer something worse.  They wrestle with fears of being targeted again, with trusting people again, with feeling like they are only good for being an object, with feeling worthless and degraded.  

I know because I’ve been there. 

I’m going to come out and say it now:  I have been abused.  I have been abused and I am still dealing with the negative effects from that experience years later.  I’m not talking about spiritual or mental abuse, either.  I mean physical and sexual abuse.

I was touched and physically restrained, while also being emotionally manipulated, by a boy who claimed to be a Christian.  The experience scared me so much that I told my then guy-friend, now-husband, about it and he stepped in to defend me against any possible future attacks.  Thankfully, there were none, but the negative effects did not disappear.  

Right after it happened, I became immensely afraid of my abuser.  I did not want to have any contact with or see him again.
I questioned my worth. 

I struggled to trust people, especially men. 

I felt like an object.  

I felt dehumanized and violated.  

And I still have nightmares about being targeted again.    

These hurts, these feelings, are not going to go away just by believing that being abused was better than I deserved, that I’m lucky to have only been abused.  In fact, it makes me angry that this theology serves to brush abuse victims aside and tell them that they should essentially “be grateful” for being abused.   

Physical, sexual, mental, and emotional abuse are things that I do not wish on anyone at any time.  And you know what?  Neither does God.

God does not show His love for us by making us suffer on Earth.  He showed His love for us by sending His Son to suffer on Earth for us.  All the suffering and abuse in this world is caused by sin, which we chose to bring to Earth when we turned our back on God and decided to live our lives our way.  But He sent His Innocent, Perfect Son to suffer the punishment and death we deserved so that we could be adopted by Him as His beloved children.  Not His abused children, His beloved children.      

What is your take on this abusive theology?  If you have been abused, what steps have you taken to heal?