The Art of Apologizing

An "I'm sorry IF I did something wrong" apology is shallow. 
An apology with no repentance is heartbreaking.

Have you ever received one of these apologies from someone? They don't feel very good, do they? Sometimes I think it'd be better to not receive an apology at all.

"I'm sorry IF I did something wrong" - the apologizer doesn't really know the extent of their fault, and they are not fully taking responsibility for their actions. This type of apology acts as a bandaid - attempting to cover over the wrong or hurtful action but not attempting to go any deeper. It's a shallow sugarcoat that is pretty lame.

The apology with no repentance may be made genuinely, but then the apologizer goes and does the same hurtful action in the future with no desire to change or mend their ways. The pattern is repeated numerous times in a vicious cycle. It is worse when this takes place between two people who are very close.

I read an article about a teacher who instructed her students in how they should apologize to each other and I really have to commend her for her efforts to instill this important skill in her pupils. Apologizing with genuine repentance is crucial - it is my opinion that almost NO ONE knows how to apologize anymore! Genuine grief over wrongdoings is going out the window. No one cares to make real peace anymore.

Here's how that teacher taught her students to apologize:
1. Say "I apologize for...." (give specific example - taking that toy from you, being impatient in line, saying "You're ugly." etc)
This tells the other person that you fully recognize what you did and that it was wrong or hurtful.

2. Say "That was wrong of me because..." (again, give specific reason - "it's not nice to take things without asking, I need to wait my turn, that was mean to say and it would've hurt my feelings to be told that.")
This shows the other person that you recognize their hurt feelings and that you sympathize with them.

3. Say "In the future I will..." (give specific example of how you will change - "ask politely for something I want, not be impatient, hold my tongue when I feel like saying something mean.")
This promises the other person that you want to avoid making the same transgression against them in the future.

4. Ask for forgiveness. "Will you forgive me?" invites them to offer you forgiveness without demanding it.

I would like to teach my children to apologize this way. I would also like to start using this method myself and implementing it in my daily life. What about you? Will you learn the art of apologizing with me?

Don't Kill With Your Words

"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

I grew up hearing this, soaking it in, and applying it to my own life.  Being the nurturing, tenderhearted peacekeeper that I am, it made perfect sense.  Why waste your breath saying something negative, especially if it will cause conflict or hurt feelings?  We're called by God to build people up, not tear them down. 

They say that sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you.  The Bible says otherwise:

Job 19:2 “How long will you torment me and break me in pieces with words?"

Psalm 64:3 "...Who whet their tongues like swords, who aim bitter words like arrows..."

Proverbs 10:19 "When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent."

Proverbs 12:18 "There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."

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Imagine forming a hurtful comment in your mind.  I'll give you time to come up with something.

Got it?  

Now consider this...

Would you say that hurtful comment to God?  

How do you think it would make Him feel?  

Would you regret saying it?  

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Proverbs 17:27 "Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding."

When we neglect to hold our tongue for people when we should, we neglect to hold it for Jesus, as well.  

"Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.'"  Matthew 25:45

My paraphrase of Jesus's words:

"The way you treat other people is the way you treat me."

I hope to instill this in my future children.  Speaking unkind words to others shows a lack of spiritual maturity, respect for your fellow brothers and sisters, and love for the Savior.  It is a non-reflection of Christ's love and character, and is a bad example to set for the watching world.

I've been torn down a good deal recently and I've felt the pain of more unkind words in the past five years than I have in my whole life combined.  The rest of what I have to say is directed at the people who have played a part in tearing me down with their words.  Your words don't just hurt me.  They hurt God and my husband, too.  I don't care what kind of grievances you have against me.  Your unkind words are uncalled for and unwelcome.  If you would rather choose to continue with your disrespect toward me, know that Daniel and I would rather choose to discontinue our communications with you.  We have no room in our lives for people who choose to tear us down.

I’ve Changed My Mind

Some recent developments have filled me with a desire to re-visit my previous post from February, as seen below.

Our Home – Why we’re still in Maryland
I wanted to address this matter because I know my family strongly desires to see Daniel & I make our home in another state; however, we strongly believe that God has a different plan and purpose for us.

Boy, have times changed.  And it’s only been 7 months!  Almost 6 months of marriage, and I have spent approximately 5 of them having my eyes opened to the reality of our situation.  Man, was I ever blind!  It has not been an easy process…in fact, it has been quite painful…but I am confident that God intends it for our good.  I no longer believe that God wants us to stay in Maryland.  I believe that He wants us to do what is wise and practical.

God’s plan for us is to stay in Maryland.  Why? 
He has provided affordable living arrangements for us, good connections, networks, and friends who are encouraging and walking with us every step of the way, and a good new job for me (babysitting 4 children for a single mother, whom I met through my recent involvement in the Pro-Life ministry at church.  This job is a blessing because it came when my work hours were very few and this mother's need was very great.  I love being able to serve her and her children in this way and I hope to provide child-care for her as long as God would have me do so because I feel it is His plan for me to share His love with the people around me in Maryland - and isn't THAT what it's all about?).  We feel very connected in our ministries in church and our service is very much appreciated; on top of that, we are meeting new people and our existing friendships are growing.  He & I have very few friends apart from the ones in church, particularly friends with whom we are very close, and we feel the best way to grow those relationships is to walk beside our brothers and sisters on a daily basis here in Maryland.

I have watched in the past 5 months as everything I had was stripped away.  My connections, networks, friends, and church have crumbled beneath my feet.  I am no longer babysitting for the single mother.  My bouts with the county over the money they owed me for my childcare services lasted way longer than I could have ever anticipated and I have no intention of ever dealing with them again.  I am no longer a member of Covenant Life Church.  My spiritual scars from the past were re-opened and new ones were being formed right on top of them.  Removing myself from the pain was the only way to begin the healing process. 
     
We don’t feel led to leave Maryland yet, and we’re not just going to “jump ship” without God’s leading.  Our life path is different than everyone else’s; what He has planned for one family is not what He has planned for another family.  I considered moving to NC with my family this past summer, but God quickly made it clear that that was not what He intended for me to do.  Looking back now I can see that, had I moved, Daniel would've suffered terribly on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level.  We went through some difficult trials together, pertaining in particular with his jobs.  That being said, I cannot nor do I want to imagine how much harder it would've been if we had been separated.  With no promise of employment elsewhere we feel that, in this season, God would have us stay in Maryland.  In another season, He may have us move but right now we can’t see the future or what it holds for us.

I cannot express how strongly I now feel led to leave Maryland.  I should have moved to NC/TN with my family last year.  The distress, longing, and burdens I feel within me have physically lifted every time we’ve gone down to visit my family this summer.  I have learned that employment elsewhere cannot be attained UNLESS you are elsewhere.  Very rarely are people able to get a job unless they are in that location.  And to be honest, we’ve tried to make it here, and it’s just not happening.  How could we have been so naïve to think that we, the poorest couple, could make it in one of the richest counties?  Our expenses are too high and the cost of living here is too high for our small little income.  We need to be in Tennessee, where it is cheaper and where we can make our money go farther.
Our God is bigger than the economy and the tyranny of the government. 
God has been faithful to prove His trustworthiness in the face of our great financial difficulties and I believe that, if it is God’s will for us to stay here, He will continue to bless us and provide for our every need.  I have seen Him provide me breakfast when I had nothing of my own to eat, and finances for car repairs, groceries, and medical supplies when I was short on money.  Honestly, the biggest issue should not be the money.  I’m not trying to downplay the severity of our state’s situation.  Maryland is a broken state, just like all the others.  Our country is a broken country, just like all the others.  But our God is bigger, more powerful, and more loving than our government.  If He were to send us to the poorest, sickest, most hostile place in the world, we would go.  His plans for us are for our good…He has nothing but our best interest in mind and we can go wherever He sends us with confidence because He is always with us.  That being said, we are very blessed to be where we are, surrounded by the people who care for and love us most, as we start this new season in our lives.  I would also like to say that I have felt my faith strengthen in these trying times and, through the faith-building I’ve received, I believe that God has used me to encourage Daniel in his own times of anxiety and doubt.  This is very encouraging because it means He is growing us into the husband and wife that He wants us to be.

While God is bigger than the economy, that does not mean He wants us to sit around where we are struggling to survive and wait for Him to drop a job in our lap.  As I said in my last post about stewardship, He gives us resources and trusts that we will use them wisely.  If we squander them, that’s our fault.  That’s why I believe that staying here is not a wise use of our money – what little we have to our names right now.  Staying in an expensive county with very little money and no good prospects of making enough to live on month-to-month is not putting faith in God to provide.  It is foolhardy and reckless.  I feel especially threatened when it comes to my health.  I am absolutely dependent on health insurance coverage for my doctor visits and prescription medications.  Without health insurance, my medicines would cost thousands of dollars and my doctor visits would cost hundreds.  We simply do not have the money to pay for all of those things out of pocket, and the price of my health insurance plan here has almost doubled.  It would be absolutely reckless to continue living where the cost of my health insurance hangs in the balance of our tight budget.  We can’t afford to not have it.  My life depends on it.
Daniel wants to stay close to his family in order to receive allergy shots from his mom (a registered nurse) when he needs them. 
My Diabetes and Celiac doctors are also nearby.  This is not to say that we couldn’t move elsewhere and receive the same care; it is just much more convenient for us right now.

Convenience is overrated.  Seriously.  We’ll find other doctors.

Because of these few reasons I am going to follow, cleave to, and respect him and his leadership in this decision.  After all, we are going to be starting our own family unit and family units have to do what is best for them, which is not always what is best for everyone else.  Because we are different people and a different family, we have a different path.

I will be honest.  We are a divided household.  We have different opinions and points of view.  We both realize that we cannot have it both ways – we cannot live in Maryland AND Tennessee.  One of us is going to have to give.  And I am scared.  I know that Satan is looking for a foothold, any chance he can get to drive a wedge between us (which it seems is already there), so that he can destroy what God has brought together.  I can feel him attacking but I can also sense God’s hand at work, albeit in the background.  I know He’s not going to let us go.  I know He is going to work all things for our good.  But that doesn’t change the fact that it has been difficult to follow Daniel down a path that looks like it ends in financial ruin.  I refuse to let us get to that point.  I have struggled enough in my life to know the pain and heartache of bankruptcy.  That is not what I want for us or for our future children, whenever we may have them.  If we are going to do what is best for our family, we need to be prepared to make decisions – hard decisions – that may or may not involve “hearing from God.”  There are some decisions WE just need to make.  And sometimes, those decisions require us to make a sacrifice for the greater good.  And you know what?  Sacrifices HURT! 
I’d also like to point out that this isn’t a matter of me being discontent with where we are, or submitting and “obeying” my husband because he has the “final say,” because honestly, that’s NOT biblical.  This concept has been nagging at me for a while now and I wanted to make my stance perfectly clear.      

Sometimes Life Is Like Headphones

“Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls.” Psalm 42:7

Sometimes I just need to escape.

Sometimes I just need a break.  

Sometimes I just need to stop and be still.  

Sometimes should happen more often.

Life is too busy.  

Life is too stressful.  

Life is too demanding.

Life is too much.

Is your schedule packed?

Is your social life non-existent?

Is your spiritual walk suffering?

Is that any way to treat God?

Like to do your own thing?

Like to be selfish with your time?

Like to drown out the world?

Like to lay around?

Headphones isolate you.

Headphones drown out your surroundings.

Headphones distract you from what's really important. 

Headphones keep you from hearing God.

A Different Direction

So I think I’ve figured out what I want to do with my blog.  Wedding planning is only going to last another month, and I’ve got the blog on our wedding website for those updates: http://www.mywedding.com/dpandrach/blog.html

So, I am going to take my personal blog in a different direction.  I would like to use this post to explain myself.   

I’ve had a lot floating around in my mind lately.  Most of it pertains to my personal, spiritual, and physical well-being and growth.  Some of the thoughts take me back to the past; some of them are forcing me to spring into the future.  I’ve been encouraged and emboldened to speak my mind; I’ve also felt discouraged about sharing.  However, I am tired of feeling like my voice does not matter, my opinions do not count, and my experiences are not relevant. 

Now that I have a clearer idea of who I am as a person and how my mind works, I think that it is helpful and necessary to share my perspective.  If you do not care to hear from me, you are not obligated to read my blog.  If you have the desire to lend me your attention span briefly every so often, I ask that you would bear with me as I continue to find my voice, which is a big deal to me since I've never really been able to find it before.  The biggest reason for that is because I am an introvert - quiet, reserved; I don't talk unless I feel I have something important to say, and if I feel ignored or pushed aside, I will not waste my energy on trying to make myself heard. 

Here, let me give you a brief glimpse into my personality:

ISFJ – Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging 

  I – Introversion preferred to extraversion: ISFJs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extraverts gain energy).

· S – Sensing preferred to intuition: ISFJs tend to be more concrete than abstract. They focus their attention on the details rather than the big picture, and on immediate realities rather than future possibilities.

· F – Feeling preferred to thinking: ISFJs tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic.

· J – Judgment preferred to perception: ISFJs tend to plan their activities and make decisions early. They derive a sense of control through predictability.

(Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ISFJ)

AKA Guardian Protector

We are lucky that Protectors make up as much as ten percent the population, because their primary interest is in the safety and security of those they care about - their family, their circle of friends, their students, their patients, their boss, their fellow-workers, or their employees. Protectors have an extraordinary sense of loyalty and responsibility in their makeup, and seem fulfilled in the degree they can shield others from the dirt and dangers of the world. Speculating and experimenting do not intrigue Protectors, who prefer to make do with time-honored and time-tested products and procedures rather than change to new. At work Protectors are seldom happy in situations where the rules are constantly changing, or where long-established ways of doing things are not respected. For their part, Protectors value tradition, both in the culture and in their family. Protectors believe deeply in the stability of social ranking conferred by birth, titles, offices, and credentials. And they cherish family history and enjoy caring for family property, from houses to heirlooms.

Wanting to be of service to others, Protectors find great satisfaction in assisting the downtrodden, and can deal with disability and neediness in others better than any other type. They are not as outgoing and talkative as the Provider Guardians [ESFJs], and their shyness is often misjudged as stiffness, even coldness, when in truth Protectors are warm-hearted and sympathetic, giving happily of themselves to those in need.

Their reserve ought really to be seen as an expression of their sincerity and seriousness of purpose. The most diligent of all the types, Protectors are willing to work long, hard hours quietly doing all the thankless jobs that others manage to avoid. Protectors are quite happy working alone; in fact, in positions of authority they may try to do everything themselves rather than direct others to get the job done. Thoroughness and frugality are also virtues for them. When Protectors undertake a task, they will complete it if humanly possible. They also know better than any other type the value of a dollar, and they abhor the squandering or misuse of money. To save, to put something aside against an unpredictable future, to prepare for emergencies-these are actions near and dear to the Protector's heart. For all these reasons, Protectors are frequently overworked, just as they are frequently misunderstood and undervalued. Their contributions, and also their economies, are often taken for granted, and they rarely get the gratitude they deserve.

(Source: http://www.keirsey.com/4temps/protector.asp)

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I am growing excited as I think about all the things I want to express: joys and sorrows.
I am looking forward to experiencing a new chapter in my life (marriage).
I am growing eager about sharing the things (good and bad) that have gotten me to where I am today.
I am trusting that my spiritual experiences will shed light on and open eyes to the reality of God's love in my life while also exposing the dangerous pitfalls that Satan has tried to use against me.
I am hopeful that you will join me, learn from me, share with me, encourage me, and pray for me.  I am going to make it a goal of posting at least once a week. 

The Art of Successful Communication with Me

Like highway driving, communication is an art.

And there's a balance when it comes to communicating with me, as I'm sure there is with anyone you'll meet.  The trick is finding it and taking advantage of it.  I'm going to make that process easier for you by telling you which 2 points that balance lies between when it comes to me.  I'm sure you know I'm an introvert.  I'm what you call a thinker.  I spend the majority of my time thinking rather than speaking.  I don't speak unless I feel I have something to positively add to the conversation.  I don't like to speak verbally as much, either, simply because I need time to think out my responses before giving them and speaking doesn't afford for much time to craft a satisfactory answer.  I prefer to write.  I also don't like to be rushed into using words I don't mean, and writing allows me to carefully choose the flow of my sentences.

As far as finding balance, there are 2 extremes that must be recognized and avoided if you are to have a successful conversation with me.

Those 2 extremes are:
1) Don't pressure me to speak
2) Don't ignore me when I speak

Both of these extremes will result in the same outcome:  I will clam up.

If you pressure me to speak before I am ready, I will defensively shut down my brain and refuse to speak.
If you ignore me while I am speaking, I will not waste my words on closed ears.
The same can be said of interrupting me. 
It's as simple as that.

I do not like to waste my breath on words because I do not like to repeat myself.  If you do not want to pay attention to me, my unobtrusive nature will respect that and silently slip into the background.  If I feel I have nothing to add to a conversation, I will quietly slip away to a place where I can people-watch.  I have just as much (maybe even more!) fun watching people interact as they have fun interacting.

All this to say, if you really want to talk to me, show me you want to talk by listening and not pressuring me for long, deep answers on the spot.  Better yet, write to me.  I will give you my full attention.  I love to see words rather than hear them.  I am a visual person more than an audible person.

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The pen is to the writer as 

the brush is to the painter.  

With each stroke flows the 

outpouring of the artist's soul.

I write - handwrite - my initial work because the pen - first and foremost - is my favorite tool.  It alone provides the means by which my soul finds creative freedom.  As the ink flows, the mental images are transferred and materialize on the paper; in essence, I give them life in a way that allows me to completely engross my passion.  Each pen stroke is a paint stroke to me; each letter, each word formed beneath my pen, is the very outpouring of my mind, my creative genius.  Each one is precious.  When the words have all flowed out, I can rest soundly knowing they have all been captured and accurately portrayed.  

I am satisfied.

                     I am pleased.

                                        I am finished.

                                                           I have written.

                                                                                I have created.