I’ve Changed My Mind

Some recent developments have filled me with a desire to re-visit my previous post from February, as seen below.

Our Home – Why we’re still in Maryland
I wanted to address this matter because I know my family strongly desires to see Daniel & I make our home in another state; however, we strongly believe that God has a different plan and purpose for us.

Boy, have times changed.  And it’s only been 7 months!  Almost 6 months of marriage, and I have spent approximately 5 of them having my eyes opened to the reality of our situation.  Man, was I ever blind!  It has not been an easy process…in fact, it has been quite painful…but I am confident that God intends it for our good.  I no longer believe that God wants us to stay in Maryland.  I believe that He wants us to do what is wise and practical.

God’s plan for us is to stay in Maryland.  Why? 
He has provided affordable living arrangements for us, good connections, networks, and friends who are encouraging and walking with us every step of the way, and a good new job for me (babysitting 4 children for a single mother, whom I met through my recent involvement in the Pro-Life ministry at church.  This job is a blessing because it came when my work hours were very few and this mother's need was very great.  I love being able to serve her and her children in this way and I hope to provide child-care for her as long as God would have me do so because I feel it is His plan for me to share His love with the people around me in Maryland - and isn't THAT what it's all about?).  We feel very connected in our ministries in church and our service is very much appreciated; on top of that, we are meeting new people and our existing friendships are growing.  He & I have very few friends apart from the ones in church, particularly friends with whom we are very close, and we feel the best way to grow those relationships is to walk beside our brothers and sisters on a daily basis here in Maryland.

I have watched in the past 5 months as everything I had was stripped away.  My connections, networks, friends, and church have crumbled beneath my feet.  I am no longer babysitting for the single mother.  My bouts with the county over the money they owed me for my childcare services lasted way longer than I could have ever anticipated and I have no intention of ever dealing with them again.  I am no longer a member of Covenant Life Church.  My spiritual scars from the past were re-opened and new ones were being formed right on top of them.  Removing myself from the pain was the only way to begin the healing process. 
     
We don’t feel led to leave Maryland yet, and we’re not just going to “jump ship” without God’s leading.  Our life path is different than everyone else’s; what He has planned for one family is not what He has planned for another family.  I considered moving to NC with my family this past summer, but God quickly made it clear that that was not what He intended for me to do.  Looking back now I can see that, had I moved, Daniel would've suffered terribly on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level.  We went through some difficult trials together, pertaining in particular with his jobs.  That being said, I cannot nor do I want to imagine how much harder it would've been if we had been separated.  With no promise of employment elsewhere we feel that, in this season, God would have us stay in Maryland.  In another season, He may have us move but right now we can’t see the future or what it holds for us.

I cannot express how strongly I now feel led to leave Maryland.  I should have moved to NC/TN with my family last year.  The distress, longing, and burdens I feel within me have physically lifted every time we’ve gone down to visit my family this summer.  I have learned that employment elsewhere cannot be attained UNLESS you are elsewhere.  Very rarely are people able to get a job unless they are in that location.  And to be honest, we’ve tried to make it here, and it’s just not happening.  How could we have been so naïve to think that we, the poorest couple, could make it in one of the richest counties?  Our expenses are too high and the cost of living here is too high for our small little income.  We need to be in Tennessee, where it is cheaper and where we can make our money go farther.
Our God is bigger than the economy and the tyranny of the government. 
God has been faithful to prove His trustworthiness in the face of our great financial difficulties and I believe that, if it is God’s will for us to stay here, He will continue to bless us and provide for our every need.  I have seen Him provide me breakfast when I had nothing of my own to eat, and finances for car repairs, groceries, and medical supplies when I was short on money.  Honestly, the biggest issue should not be the money.  I’m not trying to downplay the severity of our state’s situation.  Maryland is a broken state, just like all the others.  Our country is a broken country, just like all the others.  But our God is bigger, more powerful, and more loving than our government.  If He were to send us to the poorest, sickest, most hostile place in the world, we would go.  His plans for us are for our good…He has nothing but our best interest in mind and we can go wherever He sends us with confidence because He is always with us.  That being said, we are very blessed to be where we are, surrounded by the people who care for and love us most, as we start this new season in our lives.  I would also like to say that I have felt my faith strengthen in these trying times and, through the faith-building I’ve received, I believe that God has used me to encourage Daniel in his own times of anxiety and doubt.  This is very encouraging because it means He is growing us into the husband and wife that He wants us to be.

While God is bigger than the economy, that does not mean He wants us to sit around where we are struggling to survive and wait for Him to drop a job in our lap.  As I said in my last post about stewardship, He gives us resources and trusts that we will use them wisely.  If we squander them, that’s our fault.  That’s why I believe that staying here is not a wise use of our money – what little we have to our names right now.  Staying in an expensive county with very little money and no good prospects of making enough to live on month-to-month is not putting faith in God to provide.  It is foolhardy and reckless.  I feel especially threatened when it comes to my health.  I am absolutely dependent on health insurance coverage for my doctor visits and prescription medications.  Without health insurance, my medicines would cost thousands of dollars and my doctor visits would cost hundreds.  We simply do not have the money to pay for all of those things out of pocket, and the price of my health insurance plan here has almost doubled.  It would be absolutely reckless to continue living where the cost of my health insurance hangs in the balance of our tight budget.  We can’t afford to not have it.  My life depends on it.
Daniel wants to stay close to his family in order to receive allergy shots from his mom (a registered nurse) when he needs them. 
My Diabetes and Celiac doctors are also nearby.  This is not to say that we couldn’t move elsewhere and receive the same care; it is just much more convenient for us right now.

Convenience is overrated.  Seriously.  We’ll find other doctors.

Because of these few reasons I am going to follow, cleave to, and respect him and his leadership in this decision.  After all, we are going to be starting our own family unit and family units have to do what is best for them, which is not always what is best for everyone else.  Because we are different people and a different family, we have a different path.

I will be honest.  We are a divided household.  We have different opinions and points of view.  We both realize that we cannot have it both ways – we cannot live in Maryland AND Tennessee.  One of us is going to have to give.  And I am scared.  I know that Satan is looking for a foothold, any chance he can get to drive a wedge between us (which it seems is already there), so that he can destroy what God has brought together.  I can feel him attacking but I can also sense God’s hand at work, albeit in the background.  I know He’s not going to let us go.  I know He is going to work all things for our good.  But that doesn’t change the fact that it has been difficult to follow Daniel down a path that looks like it ends in financial ruin.  I refuse to let us get to that point.  I have struggled enough in my life to know the pain and heartache of bankruptcy.  That is not what I want for us or for our future children, whenever we may have them.  If we are going to do what is best for our family, we need to be prepared to make decisions – hard decisions – that may or may not involve “hearing from God.”  There are some decisions WE just need to make.  And sometimes, those decisions require us to make a sacrifice for the greater good.  And you know what?  Sacrifices HURT! 
I’d also like to point out that this isn’t a matter of me being discontent with where we are, or submitting and “obeying” my husband because he has the “final say,” because honestly, that’s NOT biblical.  This concept has been nagging at me for a while now and I wanted to make my stance perfectly clear.      

True Love - How I Knew He Was The One

I love being able to answer people when they ask me, “How did you know he was the one?”  There’s something magical, almost surreal, about the feeling I get when I think back…

5 years ago, I still had no idea who he was – who my “True Love” was – or when I would meet him.  Turns out I didn’t have to go looking or even wait long (God moved him into my care group right after I joined it myself). 

As our friendship grew, so did my desire to be his helper.  That was something new for me.  Never had I ever held that desire; I knew that those feelings had not originated with me and immediately realized there was Someone else at work.  I asked God to strengthen my love for and desire to help Daniel if His will was for us to be together.  Little by little, day by day, joy by joy, trial by trial, His answer was growing clearer.

If you don’t know Daniel, you should get to know him.  I have been nothing but blessed since I became his friend (best friend/girlfriend/betrothed/wife in 20 days).  Daniel understands me better than anyone.  He is introverted like me so he understands my need for personal “recharging” time.  He is not critical of me and he does not demand my attention; he values my input and seeks it out, even if it means waiting patiently for me to find my voice; he’s sensitive and considerate of my needs and desires; he prays over & for me when I tell him I need it, and also when I don't; he reassures me when I doubt and reminds me of God’s truth when I forget it; he’s the most comforting shoulder to cry on, and the safest arms to hide in; he shares my burdens, fights off my fears, and bandages my hurts; he checks on my diabetes care; he vows to always love me and stand by me, to cherish & honor me, to protect me with his dying breath.  He’s the most genuine, sincere, loyal, affectionate, and determined young man I know. 

I say loyal & determined because I’ve walked alongside Daniel through a variety of trials – particularly financial difficulties – and though job after job fell through, and giving up seemed to ever loom on the horizon, we pushed through together and Daniel never gave me the impression that staying with me wasn’t worth it.  Rather, he expressed the exact opposite.  I was (and still am) his motivation.  If I wasn’t in the picture, chasing a career or job wouldn’t be on his radar; he’d continue to live at home and not rush forward into making something of his career life.    

Anyway, last winter, before Christmas of 2011, the weight of the job losses and the length of time it was taking for us to move forward into marriage pushed me into a dark depression – probably the darkest since high school.  I felt myself giving into fear and doubt about whether we were ever going to be together.  Satan took that moment of weakness to slowly feed me lies. 

“Give up; marry someone richer.” 

He was so deceitful that, at times, it felt like I was arguing with myself. 

“No, I couldn’t do that to him.” 

“He’s never going to get anywhere.”

“Why should I leave him?”

“He’ll never find a job.  He’ll never be able to support you…you’re too much of a financial burden.”

I cringed.  Truthfully, I’ve always felt like a financial burden, even in spite of Daniel’s reassurances that I’m not one.  Satan pounded away until, all at once, another voice broke through. 

A whisper. 

The lies were literally silenced.

A gentle, firm answer resounded in my soul. 

“Satan does not want you together because I DO.”

I paused, letting those words rush over me. 

The basic truth that what God loves, Satan hates flooded into my mind and it all made sense.  Of course Satan didn’t want us together!  He didn’t want us to fulfill what God had planned for us!  And God wanted us together!

What relief!  Confidence and peace filled my soul!  The lies were gone; Satan’s plot was foiled.  He slunk away with his forked tail between his legs.  His lies were nothing to fear after hearing and understanding even that one little part of God’s plan.  I was so amazed that He would make His purpose so clear – and (during that mental bout) I hadn’t even asked Him to do that!  How good and kind of God to speak so clearly and comfort my troubled soul in that moment of need!

That one whisper has changed my life.  I know for certain that moving forward in life as Daniel's wife is what God has planned for me, that marriage is what God has planned for us, and that it is a good plan because it is God's plan...it's not Rachel's plan, or Daniel's plan, but God's.  It has been from before there was time and God deserves all the praise for bringing us together.  

I might also add that my financial fears no longer plague me.  Daniel’s job will be provided when and where God best sees fit.  My job will be provided the same way – and in fact, God has graciously given me one and allowed me to hold another small job on the side.  I have faith for our future provisions because God will always do what is best for us. 

A bad economy won’t stop Him. 

A corrupt government won’t stop Him. 

Satan won’t stop Him.       

And in 20 days I will be 

                                        Mrs. Daniel Payne.

Our Home – Why we’re still in Maryland

I wanted to address this matter because I know my family strongly desires to see Daniel & I make our home in another state; however, we strongly believe that God has a different plan and purpose for us.

a.        God’s plan for us is to stay in Maryland.  Why? 
He has provided affordable living arrangements for us, good connections, networks, and friends who are encouraging and walking with us every step of the way, and a good new job for me (babysitting 4 children for a single mother, whom I met through my recent involvement in the Pro-Life ministry at church.  This job is a blessing because it came when my work hours were very few and this mother's need was very great.  I love being able to serve her and her children in this way and I hope to provide child-care for her as long as God would have me do so because I feel it is His plan for me to share His love with the people around me in Maryland - and isn't THAT what it's all about?).  We feel very connected in our ministries in church and our service is very much appreciated; on top of that, we are meeting new people and our existing friendships are growing.  He & I have very few friends apart from the ones in church, particularly friends with whom we are very close, and we feel the best way to grow those relationships is to walk beside our brothers and sisters on a daily basis here in Maryland.      

b.       We don’t feel led to leave Maryland yet, and we’re not just going to “jump ship” without God’s leading.  Our life path is different than everyone else’s; what He has planned for one family is not what He has planned for another family.  I considered moving to NC with my family this past summer, but God quickly made it clear that that was not what He intended for me to do.  Looking back now I can see that, had I moved, Daniel would've suffered terribly on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level.  We went through some difficult trials together, pertaining in particular with his jobs.  That being said, I cannot nor do I want to imagine how much harder it would've been if we had been separated.  With no promise of employment elsewhere we feel that, in this season, God would have us stay in Maryland.  In another season, He may have us move but right now we can’t see the future or what it holds for us. 

c.       Our God is bigger than the economy and the tyranny of the government. 
God has been faithful to prove His trustworthiness in the face of our great financial difficulties and I believe that, if it is God’s will for us to stay here, He will continue to bless us and provide for our every need.  I have seen Him provide me breakfast when I had nothing of my own to eat, and finances for car repairs, groceries, and medical supplies when I was short on money.  Honestly, the biggest issue should not be the money.  I’m not trying to downplay the severity of our state’s situation.  Maryland is a broken state, just like all the others.  Our country is a broken country, just like all the others.  But our God is bigger, more powerful, and more loving than our government.  If He were to send us to the poorest, sickest, most hostile place in the world, we would go.  His plans for us are for our good…He has nothing but our best interest in mind and we can go wherever He sends us with confidence because He is always with us.  That being said, we are very blessed to be where we are, surrounded by the people who care for and love us most, as we start this new season in our lives.  I would also like to say that I have felt my faith strengthen in these trying times and, through the faith-building I’ve received, I believe that God has used me to encourage Daniel in his own times of anxiety and doubt.  This is very encouraging because it means He is growing us into the husband and wife that He wants us to be. 

d.      Daniel wants to stay close to his family in order to receive allergy shots from his mom (a registered nurse) when he needs them. 
My Diabetes and Celiac doctors are also nearby.  This is not to say that we couldn’t move elsewhere and receive the same care; it is just much more convenient for us right now. 

Because of these few reasons I am going to follow, cleave to, and respect him and his leadership in this decision.  After all, we are going to be starting our own family unit and family units have to do what is best for them, which is not always what is best for everyone else.  Because we are different people and a different family, we have a different path.  

And that's okay.  That's part of God's intended purpose: to spread out, multiply, and inhabit the earth.  With His guidance, we're just going to do it a little bit differently.  So fear not for us but pray for us, that God would do His work through us while we are still in Maryland.    

A Different Direction

So I think I’ve figured out what I want to do with my blog.  Wedding planning is only going to last another month, and I’ve got the blog on our wedding website for those updates: http://www.mywedding.com/dpandrach/blog.html

So, I am going to take my personal blog in a different direction.  I would like to use this post to explain myself.   

I’ve had a lot floating around in my mind lately.  Most of it pertains to my personal, spiritual, and physical well-being and growth.  Some of the thoughts take me back to the past; some of them are forcing me to spring into the future.  I’ve been encouraged and emboldened to speak my mind; I’ve also felt discouraged about sharing.  However, I am tired of feeling like my voice does not matter, my opinions do not count, and my experiences are not relevant. 

Now that I have a clearer idea of who I am as a person and how my mind works, I think that it is helpful and necessary to share my perspective.  If you do not care to hear from me, you are not obligated to read my blog.  If you have the desire to lend me your attention span briefly every so often, I ask that you would bear with me as I continue to find my voice, which is a big deal to me since I've never really been able to find it before.  The biggest reason for that is because I am an introvert - quiet, reserved; I don't talk unless I feel I have something important to say, and if I feel ignored or pushed aside, I will not waste my energy on trying to make myself heard. 

Here, let me give you a brief glimpse into my personality:

ISFJ – Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging 

  I – Introversion preferred to extraversion: ISFJs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extraverts gain energy).

· S – Sensing preferred to intuition: ISFJs tend to be more concrete than abstract. They focus their attention on the details rather than the big picture, and on immediate realities rather than future possibilities.

· F – Feeling preferred to thinking: ISFJs tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic.

· J – Judgment preferred to perception: ISFJs tend to plan their activities and make decisions early. They derive a sense of control through predictability.

(Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ISFJ)

AKA Guardian Protector

We are lucky that Protectors make up as much as ten percent the population, because their primary interest is in the safety and security of those they care about - their family, their circle of friends, their students, their patients, their boss, their fellow-workers, or their employees. Protectors have an extraordinary sense of loyalty and responsibility in their makeup, and seem fulfilled in the degree they can shield others from the dirt and dangers of the world. Speculating and experimenting do not intrigue Protectors, who prefer to make do with time-honored and time-tested products and procedures rather than change to new. At work Protectors are seldom happy in situations where the rules are constantly changing, or where long-established ways of doing things are not respected. For their part, Protectors value tradition, both in the culture and in their family. Protectors believe deeply in the stability of social ranking conferred by birth, titles, offices, and credentials. And they cherish family history and enjoy caring for family property, from houses to heirlooms.

Wanting to be of service to others, Protectors find great satisfaction in assisting the downtrodden, and can deal with disability and neediness in others better than any other type. They are not as outgoing and talkative as the Provider Guardians [ESFJs], and their shyness is often misjudged as stiffness, even coldness, when in truth Protectors are warm-hearted and sympathetic, giving happily of themselves to those in need.

Their reserve ought really to be seen as an expression of their sincerity and seriousness of purpose. The most diligent of all the types, Protectors are willing to work long, hard hours quietly doing all the thankless jobs that others manage to avoid. Protectors are quite happy working alone; in fact, in positions of authority they may try to do everything themselves rather than direct others to get the job done. Thoroughness and frugality are also virtues for them. When Protectors undertake a task, they will complete it if humanly possible. They also know better than any other type the value of a dollar, and they abhor the squandering or misuse of money. To save, to put something aside against an unpredictable future, to prepare for emergencies-these are actions near and dear to the Protector's heart. For all these reasons, Protectors are frequently overworked, just as they are frequently misunderstood and undervalued. Their contributions, and also their economies, are often taken for granted, and they rarely get the gratitude they deserve.

(Source: http://www.keirsey.com/4temps/protector.asp)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am growing excited as I think about all the things I want to express: joys and sorrows.
I am looking forward to experiencing a new chapter in my life (marriage).
I am growing eager about sharing the things (good and bad) that have gotten me to where I am today.
I am trusting that my spiritual experiences will shed light on and open eyes to the reality of God's love in my life while also exposing the dangerous pitfalls that Satan has tried to use against me.
I am hopeful that you will join me, learn from me, share with me, encourage me, and pray for me.  I am going to make it a goal of posting at least once a week. 

6 More Weeks!

6 more weeks until our wedding!  Daniel & I are finally starting to feel the excitement rising as we rejoice that the day of which we have both been dreaming but thought would never come is actually in reach!  And things are coming together pretty well...all things considered.  :)

Ironically, (and sadly) the two groomsmen that we planned the March 24th date around are no longer able to make it to our wedding (due to finances and conflicting schedules).  Daniel has been searching for replacements and has already found one, but we still need another.  He is prayerfully considering 2 other young men to ask.

As I said, wedding planning is coming along nicely; although lately I've been feeling like a chicken with its head cut off - between wedding planning and my new job I feel like I've hardly had a chance to catch my breath!  But now that I have access to the wedding money we've received, I am able to purchase the last things we need for decorations, flowers, and accessories!  Our honeymoon details have been ironed out (we just have to book a hotel room for one night) and we are thrilled just thinking about all the wonderful things we are going to do and see!  

Other updates:
I have found someone who is willing to bake & decorate my cake as a present: Marybeth Matney.

We've also found a wedding coordinator, Deborah Banks, who will help out with some of the details that I won't be able to keep track of on the Big Day.  I am meeting with her tomorrow after church to talk about plans.

And we have a photographer, Angelica Gottberg, who offered to take our pictures as a very generous wedding present!

And tonight, I am getting together with my seamstress friend to go over the final details of my wedding dress alterations!  I'm so excited to see it and try it on!  

Getting Married - When It Comes To Picking The Date

“When’s the date?”

That slowly became my least favorite question over the first 6 months of our engagement.  I felt like the excitement of our betrothal was being hampered by the growing uncertainty of how long Daniel’s unemployment, and, subsequently, our lack of a wedding date, would be.  I found the question more and more unhelpful as my impatience grew.  I found myself asking, “How much longer?  When can we finally set a date?  When can we finally get married?”  I might even go so far as to say that, for me, being asked, “When’s the date?” was as unhelpful as being asked, “Are you pregnant?” when I’m not.  Having a long tunnel with no end in sight discouraged my heart day by day.

When did asking a newly engaged couple for their wedding date become standard operating procedure?  I ask because I want to speak for those who find themselves in a similar position to mine – no date in sight due to circumstances beyond their control.  Not everyone has a date in mind the day they get engaged.  Picking a wedding date is a lot more involved than just saying, “Let’s get married on this day!”  There are several things that need to be factored in to the decision (unless, of course, there are time constraints or the option of eloping is on the table).  But I’m talking about for a family-oriented wedding ceremony & reception, where the venue availability is a big issue, as are scheduling conflicts that may arise in the wedding party participants’ lives.  Don’t forget that some couples are waiting on a job, or to finish school, or to save up money, or what have you.

I’ve tried very hard not to ask, “When’s the date?” (because of how being asked that affected me), especially when I don’t know the couple or what they’re going through in their relationship.  Please be sensitive, that’s all I’m saying.  The enthusiasm and excitement you feel for us is appreciated, don’t get me wrong.  But I wonder if it’s too much to ask that you let newly engaged couples announce their wedding date in their own time, of their own volition?  

That being said, we’ve changed our date (due to scheduling conflicts) to March 24, 2013.

A Job & A Wedding Date

Daniel started his job on the 5th and he loves it!  :)

Today we picked our wedding date and venue!  We will be getting married on March 23, 2013 (3-23-13) at the American Legion Post 171 in Damascus!  We are so excited!

Gratefulness

Late Friday afternoon, Daniel received a call back from the company that interviewed him twice for a full time marketing coordinator position.  They were thoroughly impressed with him and offered him a $38,000 salary if he would take the job!  Our prayers have been answered in the most amazing way and we are so overwhelmed with gratefulness (I think we're still in a little shock)!

Now that we have a house and a job secured, we are finally moving forward in our wedding planning!  We have been discussing a date and think we may have a winner!  Stay tuned!

Home Is Where The Heart Is

On Wednesday, Daniel and I went with our friend, Tim, to see the townhouse he is looking to buy.  On December 19th, it will be a done deal and Tim will be able to move in to the upstairs rooms.  :)  Daniel & I will be renting the basement and the use of the living room and kitchen on the main floor ("the common area") from Tim once we are married.

The Front Door

Common Living Room (facing front door)

Common Living Room

      

Basement entrance

Our Room (there's a closet behind the camera)

 It is a very nice house...it has new appliances in the kitchen (including a flat top stove), new energy efficient windows, and a lovely little back patio with a private entrance for us in the basement.

Kitchen

Kitchen/view of back deck

Kitchen sliding glass door to deck

Back gate

Back patio/gate

 We will have our own full bath and studio apartment down there, along with the laundry room.  We will also be able to have cats in the house!

Our bath

We are very excited and are praying that God provides a good job for Daniel as soon as possible.  He has a job interview on Monday and we are hoping that it will be a good fit for both him and the company!