Starting on the Journey - Diabetes

I had an appointment with my new endocrinologist (diabetes doctor) and nurse practitioner this morning.  After my in-office blood sugar (169 mg/dl) and vitals were taken (turns out I’m 5’ 11 3/4”!) and the nurse went through the standard medical history questions, Carrie, my nurse practitioner, came in and asked about my diabetes care routine.  She then checked my feet, pulse, and lungs/heartbeat.  

After that, she told me about some new medicines that were on the market that some Type 1 Diabetics use to control their blood sugar and asked if I’d ever been on an insulin pump.  I told her I had, several years ago, and that I preferred being “unhooked” from a pump with tubing, especially since my old endocrinologist had told me that being on a pump with my lack of discipline was dangerous for my health (when Dr. Bussey heard this, he said that was a bunch of malarkey).  

I told her about my desperate need for the Dexcom G4 Platinum Continuous Glucose Monitoring System, and she confirmed that it was a good system with the highest accuracy available.  She looked over my blood sugar numbers from the past few weeks (which they had downloaded from my glucometer), asked me some questions about them, and gave me an informational packet about the Dexcom.  She then left the room to get Dr. Bussey, the endo.  

When they both returned, Dr. Bussey made some suggestions for adjusting my insulin doses.  He said since my numbers were still running high that I should increase my overnight basal insulin by 2 units, adjust my insulin-to-carb ratio (changing it from 1 unit per 12 grams to 1 unit per 9 grams), and changing my correction factor from 60 points over 120 to 50 points over 120.

We then discussed my plans for the future regarding children.  I told him we were thinking not for another year or two down the road, especially since my numbers are so high and our finances aren't quite where they need to be.  Dr. Bussey told me that the best A1c during pregnancy is about 5 (but 6 or 7 was okay) and that the most precise way to maintain that much control for a pregnant Type 1 Diabetic would come from being on an insulin pump – however, it was not required.  I’m still undecided on the matter.  I know I at least want a Dexcom.    

My current A1c is 11% (average blood sugar of 269) – so I balked a little.  A chart on the wall across from me said that an A1c of 7% equates to an average blood sugar of 154.  6% = 126.  The lowest I remember my A1c ever being is about 9 (212 mg/dl)…5, 6, and 7 all seem so hard (nay, impossible) to achieve!  However, he assured me that getting my A1c down that low IS possible and they are going to keep me accountable as I work to get my numbers down, down, down.  They told me they wanted me to come back in 2 weeks to go over carb counting (although they are sure I know what to do) and insulin pump therapy information.  I’ll then come back at the end of August for fasting labs.

Before I left, they had me do some lab work for them (a quick and painless blood draw).  I left feeling encouraged but also a little daunted.  I know I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I hope that having a team of people who are committed to seeing me improve my health will give me the motivation I need to succeed.  Obviously the core determination has to come from my desire to prepare the best I can for the future.  I know that with God’s help, all things are possible – even the things that seem impossible.                                  

Dear Aurora

Dear Aurora,                                               March 7, 2014

Tonight, while I was knitting, your Daddy came in and asked what I was making.   

“A scarf?” he asked.  He loves scarves!
“Nope,” I grinned.
“A sweater?”
“Nope.”
“Socks?”
“Nope.”
“Gloves?”
“Nope.”  He’s not very good at guessing, is he?  Heehee.
“I give up.”
“A blanket,” I told him.  “I hope she likes it.”  (Isn't it pretty, pink and blue and purple?  All different colors, like an aurora in the sky.) 
“She?  Is there something you need to tell me?”
I giggled, knowing he would say something like that.  Ever since I’ve joked around about being pregnant, he’s been on high alert.  “No, silly.  I knew you would think that.  I’m just knitting this for Aurora because I can…and because I want to.”

My darling daughter, whenever God decides to bring you into our lives, I want you to know something.  Right now, as I write this, you have not even been conceived yet.  But, your Daddy and I have already picked out your name, and we are already looking forward to having you in our lives.  You are already precious to us.  You are already loved by us. 

I can only imagine that this is sort of what it was like for God before He created the world and us in it.  In the book of Jeremiah, God tells us that “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you.”  He knows everything about you.  He knows how many hairs you will have on your head, what color your eyes will be, what sorts of things you will like and dislike, even what every single day of your life will be like because He has already numbered them all for you.

God knows you and loves you more personally and intimately than anyone ever will…even more than your Daddy and me.  We hope and pray that as you get older you come to know how precious you truly are to Him and to us, and how much we desire to see you grow into a beautiful woman of God.

With love now and forever,
Mommy         

Made by Love, with Love, for Love

In light of the upcoming debate between Bill Nye and Ken Ham, I’d like to use this post to re-share some thoughts that God placed on my mind.  

 

This morning, I was daydreaming, as I like to do, when I was struck by this epiphany: “Made by Love, with Love, for Love.”  As I thought about it more, I realized that the whole of our existence is summed up by this little phrase.  The more I meditated on it, the warmer and fuzzier and happier I felt inside. 

1)  We were made by Love – Love Himself created us: “God is love” (1 John 4:16), and “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them” (Gen. 1:27)!  Can you imagine it?  You yourself were thought out, crafted, formed, and set apart from everyone else on earth by the very hands of Love. 

2)  We were made with Love – “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Ps. 139:14).  In this verse, the word “fearfully” in Hebrew translates to “with great reverence, heart-felt interest, respect.”  This carries very much the same meaning as when we say, “Fear the Lord.”  It does not mean that we are afraid of Him; rather that we are in awe and have great reverence for who He is.  The word “wonderfully” means just that: “unique, set apart, marvelous.”

 

3)  We were made for Love – to love God and others (Luke 10:27); to be loved by Him, and to bring Him pleasure, for His glory.  We were made not to love ourselves and our empty passions but to love the One who made us, who is worthy of all our love and praise and worship.  We were made for His good pleasure – not that we are toys or objects of amusement; rather, that we were made to be in union with Him, in a relationship, and He desires for us to do so willingly, out of our love and thankfulness and reverence for Him, our Creator.        

Ladies and gentlemen, I say all this to encourage you and point you toward what truly matters:  Your beauty and worth in and to Christ.

Let me just clarify –

I didn’t always believe I was beautiful or worth anything.  In fact, for a long time, I believed the exact opposite – that I was worthless and ugly.

But God. 
But God pursued me.  Had He not, I would still be where I was.  “[I] love because He first loved [me].” (1 John 4:19)  And we can only love because He first loved us.        

For those of you who doubt or have yet to realize just how precious your life is, these truths are especially for you.

1)       Your life is a gift. 
God didn’t have to create you but He chose to out of love.  Every breath you take is a gift from Him.  “Then the Lord God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature.”  (Genesis 2:7) 

  

2)    Your life is unique.
You are the only you that there will ever be.  You are uniquely set apart for His glory and special purposes.  “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”  (Jeremiah 29:11) 

3)    Your life is worth Christ’s.
Christ died to save you from your sins.  We have no hope, no life, apart from Him.  “For God so loved the world, that He gave His Only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.”  (John 3:16)

To deny that there is any beauty in the world is to deny the handiwork of a Master Creator, deny the miracle of your own existence, and deny that your life has any purpose.

I am blessed beyond measure by God.  I have a family who loves me, friends who care for me, and an adoring man who treasures me for and helped me see the gift that I am.  That is more than I deserve, and more than I could’ve asked for.  

Being Stewards: Making Our Own Decisions

Lately, I've been mulling over the definition of a steward.

Stewardship:  

1. the position and duties of a steward, a person who acts as the surrogate of another or others, especially by managing property, financial affairs, an estate, etc.  

2. the responsible overseeing and protection of something considered worth caring for and preserving (dictionary.reference.com)

The Bible tells us that we are God's stewards.  We steward everything He gives us: clothes, money, food, property, natural resources, animals, plants, children...everything.

I've heard two perspectives on this matter:

1.  Some people believe that we need to seek God and wait for Him to tell us how He would have us steward the possessions He has given us.  

2.  There are other people who believe that we should just choose what we want because it's our stuff and, if there is a God, He doesn't care about our material goods.

I think both views are missing the point.  We shouldn't have to ask God how to steward what He has given us because He's already told us in the Bible.  God wants us to make good decisions with the things that He places into our care.  He wants our decisions to bring about fruitfulness and abundant provisions for us and our families.  Read the Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25:14-30.  The master does not tell the servants what to do with his money.  They decide themselves what to do.  The first 2 men go and trade the money and make double what they are given.  The third man gets scared and hides the money he is given in the ground.  His master calls him wicked and slothful for doing so.

Let me be clear about something:  He entrusts US with the decision making because He *wants* us to choose.  I believe it is very legalistic to tie ourselves to the belief that we HAVE to wait to hear from God on every single decision that comes up in life.  While I think that seeking God's will is important, we cannot hide behind this belief like some kind of life-preserver.  God does not want us to put our lives on hold during a decision making session simply because we have not heard from Him.  He has given us the FREEDOM to decide what to do and how to do things in our lives, and sometimes He's waiting for US to ACT because He plans to reward us for our faith to act (even without exact instructions).  

Another thing we should remember is that He has given us the grace to find freedom in being able to escape the legalistic views.  He is not a legalistic God.  He is an abundantly gracious and merciful God.  He wants us to be free to make our own decisions.  No matter what we choose, He will use our choices for our good.  We need only to believe that if we act as good stewards and recognize that we need to make a certain decision, it would be right and wise to make that decision, even if we don't hear from God about it.  We don't need to hear from God in order to make a decision.  There are going to be decisions in our lives that we will have to make, no matter how much or how little we pray.  Sitting around "waiting" for God when we should be acting is not pleasing to God.  He is not going to come down out of Heaven and tell us everything He wants us to do.  He entrusted us, as stewards, with the ability to think and act on our own accord for the benefit of us and our families.  To neglect that responsibility is shameful and may even be considered sinful, as James says in 4:17:  "So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin."  If you know that a decision is the right thing to do, do not remain captive to the belief that you must hear from God about it.  Do what is right in the eyes of the Lord: make the decision yourself. 

Wrestling with Questions and An Abusive Theology

Wrestling with Questions

What’s the difference between being discontent and desiring a change of scenery?

What’s the difference between being discontent and desiring to raise a family in a better place than you were raised?

Where do you draw the line between being unhappy with where you are and wanting something simpler, something freeing, something different, something fresh, something better for your future?

Where do you go for the answer?  

Do you look inside yourself?  

Do you look to other people and follow their example?  

Do you read a book, pour through Scripture for the magic verse that answers your soul’s conundrum?  

How do you differentiate your desires from God’s desires from others’ desires?

An Abusive Theology

I recently read a blog post by Rachel Held Evans about what some would consider an abusive theology, taught by John Piper.  That abusive theology is this: You are doing better than you deserve.  Or:  Being abused is better than you deserve. 

I was once told this phrase by someone I respect and, at the time, it made me feel better because there is some level of truth to it.  As sinners, we all deserve to burn in Hell, to be eternally damned, and to be separated from God’s Holy Presence forever.  And all these things are worse than Earthly abuse. 

BUT:  This phrase, this theology, does nothing to help the abuse victim heal.  It leaves them in a broken state with no hope for repair or recovery.  It tells them that they are lucky to have only been abused – and that is how they continue to see themselves for years afterward! 

The problem with this is that:

Abuse of any kind is NEVER okay. 
Abuse goes against the very nature of God.  God abhors abuse!

To leave an abuse victim in the mental clutches of their past abuse experiences is to sentence them to a lifetime of torment, angst, and false identity.  They continue to see themselves as a victim rather than as a valuable human being.  They cling to the thought that being a victim is their only lot in life – that they should be grateful they didn’t suffer something worse.  They wrestle with fears of being targeted again, with trusting people again, with feeling like they are only good for being an object, with feeling worthless and degraded.  

I know because I’ve been there. 

I’m going to come out and say it now:  I have been abused.  I have been abused and I am still dealing with the negative effects from that experience years later.  I’m not talking about spiritual or mental abuse, either.  I mean physical and sexual abuse.

I was touched and physically restrained, while also being emotionally manipulated, by a boy who claimed to be a Christian.  The experience scared me so much that I told my then guy-friend, now-husband, about it and he stepped in to defend me against any possible future attacks.  Thankfully, there were none, but the negative effects did not disappear.  

Right after it happened, I became immensely afraid of my abuser.  I did not want to have any contact with or see him again.
I questioned my worth. 

I struggled to trust people, especially men. 

I felt like an object.  

I felt dehumanized and violated.  

And I still have nightmares about being targeted again.    

These hurts, these feelings, are not going to go away just by believing that being abused was better than I deserved, that I’m lucky to have only been abused.  In fact, it makes me angry that this theology serves to brush abuse victims aside and tell them that they should essentially “be grateful” for being abused.   

Physical, sexual, mental, and emotional abuse are things that I do not wish on anyone at any time.  And you know what?  Neither does God.

God does not show His love for us by making us suffer on Earth.  He showed His love for us by sending His Son to suffer on Earth for us.  All the suffering and abuse in this world is caused by sin, which we chose to bring to Earth when we turned our back on God and decided to live our lives our way.  But He sent His Innocent, Perfect Son to suffer the punishment and death we deserved so that we could be adopted by Him as His beloved children.  Not His abused children, His beloved children.      

What is your take on this abusive theology?  If you have been abused, what steps have you taken to heal?   

Writing to Heal - Mentally

“I lie inside myself for hours and watch my purple sky fly over me.”  Imaginary, Evanescence

This line describes me to a T.  

What’s something you’re good at?

As an introvert, I’m good at self-reflection, or introspection.  I spend a lot of time thinking: thinking about things I’ve said, or should’ve said; things others have said, or shouldn’t have said; things that happened, or shouldn’t have happened.  I think about motives, words unspoken, and cryptic messages.  When I was younger, there were plenty of opportunities to do so, and I jumped on them.  My weak, untrained, naïve mind couldn’t grasp the consequences, however, and I caused myself a lot of grief by dwelling too much on the negatives.  I internalized so much and took things personally when I shouldn’t have.  As a result, I beat myself up for no good reason.  

1. Lack of self-esteem and self-worth caused me to feel judged by others and withdraw inside myself.

I’m not sure when this started but sometime after I turned 10 my self-esteem started to plummet.  Perhaps it was due to the various friendships I had that were going in different directions when I entered middle school and junior high.  Friends I had grown up with were pursuing other friends and leaving me behind, even though I thought we’d be friends forever.  I can see now that that only happens in rare instances and fairy tales.  At any rate, I began to feel like I wasn’t good enough for them and, subsequently, judged as some sort of weirdo because I didn’t like the same things they did.  I pulled away from them, uninterested in spending time with people who didn’t know me anymore or didn’t want to keep spending time with me.  Then there were my new friends, who soon became at odds with my old friends.  I felt torn between my two groups but couldn’t choose one group over the other.  I only disclosed certain things to certain friends, and even then there were times I would lie because I feared their rejection or judgments if they really knew the truth.  As I feared rejection more and more, I slowly isolated myself and set up defensive barriers that kept others from getting too close to my thoughts.  But I ended up defending the wrong thoughts.

2. Spiritual attacks weakened my mind

The good thing is that I know my brain is working.  The bad thing is that it usually works too much and in the wrong direction.  See, I’m not very good at arguing or debating, so when I am confronted with a fact that is logical but inherently wrong, I struggle to fight against it.  For example, when I was faced with one of Satan’s lies (“You’re worthless”), my mind considered the “facts” (I was a financial burden, I’d never be good enough, the pain and frustration wasn’t worth it, etc) and dwelt on them until they were planted so deeply in my heart that they took root and choked out any gospel truth that might’ve been there.  With no biblical foundation, I fell.  I fell far, probably to about as rock bottom as I could go, before the light of the truth reached me.  But I was so good at not fighting back, at not seeking out hope, that eventually my mind trained itself to fall into the rut of accepting the false facts as truth and live in the secrecy of the darkness.  And no one suspected anything because I didn’t trust anyone enough to admit it.  My unobtrusiveness and reclusiveness held me back in my dark corner of the world.  

And I liked it.  I lived for me, my desires, my solitude, my privacy.  No one needed to see me for who I truly was.  And why would they want to?  I was bitter, angry, and self-loathing.  Who wants to spend time with someone like that?

3. Repressed guilt ate away at me

Like I said before, I felt like a financial burden on my family.  I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes when I was 8, and besides the fact that all the health care changes were most unwelcome, the cost of my health care skyrocketed.  My medical supplies were numerous and expensive, and my family was struggling to make ends meet.  Dad’s work was unpredictable and we lived paycheck to paycheck.  I hated feeling like I was adding an extra expense to their already overwhelming list of expenses.  Those guilty feelings soon turned to anger, despair, and suicidal thoughts.  After all, if ending my pain and misery ended their financial burden, and if I would never be good enough at taking care of myself, why shouldn’t I?

4. I defended angry, hateful, depressive, and suicidal thoughts

The wall of secrecy I built in my mind harbored the very thoughts I should have been fighting against.  

• Anger toward God for giving me diabetes
• Hate for the disease that fueled my depression and pulled me into thoughts of suicide.  

I hated life and hated to think about living in the chains of diabetes for the rest of my life.  How could a loving God sentence me to such a miserable existence?  I couldn’t fathom His plan because my mind was focused on the pity party it was throwing, and hey, it was a party of which I was the focus!  Sometimes it felt like I was the only one who cared about how I felt, and I can see now that that’s because I didn’t let, want, or trust anyone else to know what was going on...not even God.  You can probably see how my self-deception led me to believe no one else cared, and so then why should I keep living?  A burden no one cares for is worthless, and they’d be better off without me.

My mind deteriorated.  I fought with myself on a daily, moment-by-moment basis.  Live or die?  

I was a coward (thanks to God) who couldn’t imagine the pain I’d inflict on my family, who, although they didn’t know me, instilled a sense of loyalty and devotion in me.  It was too much to ignore.  I held on through high school, and God met me shortly after.

I’m grateful beyond words that God met me.  He reached down, personally (through a dream), to tell me that He did care and that if I wanted to follow Him (like He could see me pretending to do) I had to turn my life around – or rather, trust Him to do it.  I wasn’t alone.  He’d been with me all along, and I believe He let me reach my lowest point so I could see clearly how much I needed Him to save me.

My defenses have been lowered.  They fell when I confessed my sin and need for His salvation.  I’ve been working to build up new defenses – walls that protect the truth of God’s love for me and the purpose He has for my life.  My worth is measured in the price Christ paid on the cross.  He was rejected and alone so I would never have to be.  He carried all of my burdens to the cross and left them there.  I am no burden.  I am a beloved daughter of God.  

And while I’m still fighting against Satan’s lies, I’m learning that I’m not fighting alone.  For every lie there is an absolute truth that cannot be changed, and there is a loving God who worked through my trials to bring me to salvation.  What’s more, He is still working in me and will continue to do so until His purpose for me has been fulfilled.  He’s doing the same for you, in your life, whether you can see it or not.  His fingerprints are all over every inch of creation.  

That’s the God I serve.  Don't make the same mistake I made.  Don't let your anger shut Him out.  Humble your heart.  He knows everything about you.  You can't hide anything from Him.  Let Him carry your burdens.  Let Him hold the position He truly is in Your life: Lord.  Let Him heal the hurts and the scars you still carry in your heart.  He's the only one who can, and He's waiting for you to run into His open, loving arms.  

“Lord, please help me to remember that You are my loving, personal God and Father.  Help me face and conquer the fears I am still facing, the fears that still dwell in my scarred mind.  Some scars run deep and I cannot heal them alone.  Give me strength to trust You in all things so that I can heal and continue to live my life fully for you.  In Your name I pray, Amen.”