Writing to Heal - Mentally

“I lie inside myself for hours and watch my purple sky fly over me.”  Imaginary, Evanescence

This line describes me to a T.  

What’s something you’re good at?

As an introvert, I’m good at self-reflection, or introspection.  I spend a lot of time thinking: thinking about things I’ve said, or should’ve said; things others have said, or shouldn’t have said; things that happened, or shouldn’t have happened.  I think about motives, words unspoken, and cryptic messages.  When I was younger, there were plenty of opportunities to do so, and I jumped on them.  My weak, untrained, naïve mind couldn’t grasp the consequences, however, and I caused myself a lot of grief by dwelling too much on the negatives.  I internalized so much and took things personally when I shouldn’t have.  As a result, I beat myself up for no good reason.  

1. Lack of self-esteem and self-worth caused me to feel judged by others and withdraw inside myself.

I’m not sure when this started but sometime after I turned 10 my self-esteem started to plummet.  Perhaps it was due to the various friendships I had that were going in different directions when I entered middle school and junior high.  Friends I had grown up with were pursuing other friends and leaving me behind, even though I thought we’d be friends forever.  I can see now that that only happens in rare instances and fairy tales.  At any rate, I began to feel like I wasn’t good enough for them and, subsequently, judged as some sort of weirdo because I didn’t like the same things they did.  I pulled away from them, uninterested in spending time with people who didn’t know me anymore or didn’t want to keep spending time with me.  Then there were my new friends, who soon became at odds with my old friends.  I felt torn between my two groups but couldn’t choose one group over the other.  I only disclosed certain things to certain friends, and even then there were times I would lie because I feared their rejection or judgments if they really knew the truth.  As I feared rejection more and more, I slowly isolated myself and set up defensive barriers that kept others from getting too close to my thoughts.  But I ended up defending the wrong thoughts.

2. Spiritual attacks weakened my mind

The good thing is that I know my brain is working.  The bad thing is that it usually works too much and in the wrong direction.  See, I’m not very good at arguing or debating, so when I am confronted with a fact that is logical but inherently wrong, I struggle to fight against it.  For example, when I was faced with one of Satan’s lies (“You’re worthless”), my mind considered the “facts” (I was a financial burden, I’d never be good enough, the pain and frustration wasn’t worth it, etc) and dwelt on them until they were planted so deeply in my heart that they took root and choked out any gospel truth that might’ve been there.  With no biblical foundation, I fell.  I fell far, probably to about as rock bottom as I could go, before the light of the truth reached me.  But I was so good at not fighting back, at not seeking out hope, that eventually my mind trained itself to fall into the rut of accepting the false facts as truth and live in the secrecy of the darkness.  And no one suspected anything because I didn’t trust anyone enough to admit it.  My unobtrusiveness and reclusiveness held me back in my dark corner of the world.  

And I liked it.  I lived for me, my desires, my solitude, my privacy.  No one needed to see me for who I truly was.  And why would they want to?  I was bitter, angry, and self-loathing.  Who wants to spend time with someone like that?

3. Repressed guilt ate away at me

Like I said before, I felt like a financial burden on my family.  I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes when I was 8, and besides the fact that all the health care changes were most unwelcome, the cost of my health care skyrocketed.  My medical supplies were numerous and expensive, and my family was struggling to make ends meet.  Dad’s work was unpredictable and we lived paycheck to paycheck.  I hated feeling like I was adding an extra expense to their already overwhelming list of expenses.  Those guilty feelings soon turned to anger, despair, and suicidal thoughts.  After all, if ending my pain and misery ended their financial burden, and if I would never be good enough at taking care of myself, why shouldn’t I?

4. I defended angry, hateful, depressive, and suicidal thoughts

The wall of secrecy I built in my mind harbored the very thoughts I should have been fighting against.  

• Anger toward God for giving me diabetes
• Hate for the disease that fueled my depression and pulled me into thoughts of suicide.  

I hated life and hated to think about living in the chains of diabetes for the rest of my life.  How could a loving God sentence me to such a miserable existence?  I couldn’t fathom His plan because my mind was focused on the pity party it was throwing, and hey, it was a party of which I was the focus!  Sometimes it felt like I was the only one who cared about how I felt, and I can see now that that’s because I didn’t let, want, or trust anyone else to know what was going on...not even God.  You can probably see how my self-deception led me to believe no one else cared, and so then why should I keep living?  A burden no one cares for is worthless, and they’d be better off without me.

My mind deteriorated.  I fought with myself on a daily, moment-by-moment basis.  Live or die?  

I was a coward (thanks to God) who couldn’t imagine the pain I’d inflict on my family, who, although they didn’t know me, instilled a sense of loyalty and devotion in me.  It was too much to ignore.  I held on through high school, and God met me shortly after.

I’m grateful beyond words that God met me.  He reached down, personally (through a dream), to tell me that He did care and that if I wanted to follow Him (like He could see me pretending to do) I had to turn my life around – or rather, trust Him to do it.  I wasn’t alone.  He’d been with me all along, and I believe He let me reach my lowest point so I could see clearly how much I needed Him to save me.

My defenses have been lowered.  They fell when I confessed my sin and need for His salvation.  I’ve been working to build up new defenses – walls that protect the truth of God’s love for me and the purpose He has for my life.  My worth is measured in the price Christ paid on the cross.  He was rejected and alone so I would never have to be.  He carried all of my burdens to the cross and left them there.  I am no burden.  I am a beloved daughter of God.  

And while I’m still fighting against Satan’s lies, I’m learning that I’m not fighting alone.  For every lie there is an absolute truth that cannot be changed, and there is a loving God who worked through my trials to bring me to salvation.  What’s more, He is still working in me and will continue to do so until His purpose for me has been fulfilled.  He’s doing the same for you, in your life, whether you can see it or not.  His fingerprints are all over every inch of creation.  

That’s the God I serve.  Don't make the same mistake I made.  Don't let your anger shut Him out.  Humble your heart.  He knows everything about you.  You can't hide anything from Him.  Let Him carry your burdens.  Let Him hold the position He truly is in Your life: Lord.  Let Him heal the hurts and the scars you still carry in your heart.  He's the only one who can, and He's waiting for you to run into His open, loving arms.  

“Lord, please help me to remember that You are my loving, personal God and Father.  Help me face and conquer the fears I am still facing, the fears that still dwell in my scarred mind.  Some scars run deep and I cannot heal them alone.  Give me strength to trust You in all things so that I can heal and continue to live my life fully for you.  In Your name I pray, Amen.”

True Love - How I Knew He Was The One

I love being able to answer people when they ask me, “How did you know he was the one?”  There’s something magical, almost surreal, about the feeling I get when I think back…

5 years ago, I still had no idea who he was – who my “True Love” was – or when I would meet him.  Turns out I didn’t have to go looking or even wait long (God moved him into my care group right after I joined it myself). 

As our friendship grew, so did my desire to be his helper.  That was something new for me.  Never had I ever held that desire; I knew that those feelings had not originated with me and immediately realized there was Someone else at work.  I asked God to strengthen my love for and desire to help Daniel if His will was for us to be together.  Little by little, day by day, joy by joy, trial by trial, His answer was growing clearer.

If you don’t know Daniel, you should get to know him.  I have been nothing but blessed since I became his friend (best friend/girlfriend/betrothed/wife in 20 days).  Daniel understands me better than anyone.  He is introverted like me so he understands my need for personal “recharging” time.  He is not critical of me and he does not demand my attention; he values my input and seeks it out, even if it means waiting patiently for me to find my voice; he’s sensitive and considerate of my needs and desires; he prays over & for me when I tell him I need it, and also when I don't; he reassures me when I doubt and reminds me of God’s truth when I forget it; he’s the most comforting shoulder to cry on, and the safest arms to hide in; he shares my burdens, fights off my fears, and bandages my hurts; he checks on my diabetes care; he vows to always love me and stand by me, to cherish & honor me, to protect me with his dying breath.  He’s the most genuine, sincere, loyal, affectionate, and determined young man I know. 

I say loyal & determined because I’ve walked alongside Daniel through a variety of trials – particularly financial difficulties – and though job after job fell through, and giving up seemed to ever loom on the horizon, we pushed through together and Daniel never gave me the impression that staying with me wasn’t worth it.  Rather, he expressed the exact opposite.  I was (and still am) his motivation.  If I wasn’t in the picture, chasing a career or job wouldn’t be on his radar; he’d continue to live at home and not rush forward into making something of his career life.    

Anyway, last winter, before Christmas of 2011, the weight of the job losses and the length of time it was taking for us to move forward into marriage pushed me into a dark depression – probably the darkest since high school.  I felt myself giving into fear and doubt about whether we were ever going to be together.  Satan took that moment of weakness to slowly feed me lies. 

“Give up; marry someone richer.” 

He was so deceitful that, at times, it felt like I was arguing with myself. 

“No, I couldn’t do that to him.” 

“He’s never going to get anywhere.”

“Why should I leave him?”

“He’ll never find a job.  He’ll never be able to support you…you’re too much of a financial burden.”

I cringed.  Truthfully, I’ve always felt like a financial burden, even in spite of Daniel’s reassurances that I’m not one.  Satan pounded away until, all at once, another voice broke through. 

A whisper. 

The lies were literally silenced.

A gentle, firm answer resounded in my soul. 

“Satan does not want you together because I DO.”

I paused, letting those words rush over me. 

The basic truth that what God loves, Satan hates flooded into my mind and it all made sense.  Of course Satan didn’t want us together!  He didn’t want us to fulfill what God had planned for us!  And God wanted us together!

What relief!  Confidence and peace filled my soul!  The lies were gone; Satan’s plot was foiled.  He slunk away with his forked tail between his legs.  His lies were nothing to fear after hearing and understanding even that one little part of God’s plan.  I was so amazed that He would make His purpose so clear – and (during that mental bout) I hadn’t even asked Him to do that!  How good and kind of God to speak so clearly and comfort my troubled soul in that moment of need!

That one whisper has changed my life.  I know for certain that moving forward in life as Daniel's wife is what God has planned for me, that marriage is what God has planned for us, and that it is a good plan because it is God's plan...it's not Rachel's plan, or Daniel's plan, but God's.  It has been from before there was time and God deserves all the praise for bringing us together.  

I might also add that my financial fears no longer plague me.  Daniel’s job will be provided when and where God best sees fit.  My job will be provided the same way – and in fact, God has graciously given me one and allowed me to hold another small job on the side.  I have faith for our future provisions because God will always do what is best for us. 

A bad economy won’t stop Him. 

A corrupt government won’t stop Him. 

Satan won’t stop Him.       

And in 20 days I will be 

                                        Mrs. Daniel Payne.

Our Home – Why we’re still in Maryland

I wanted to address this matter because I know my family strongly desires to see Daniel & I make our home in another state; however, we strongly believe that God has a different plan and purpose for us.

a.        God’s plan for us is to stay in Maryland.  Why? 
He has provided affordable living arrangements for us, good connections, networks, and friends who are encouraging and walking with us every step of the way, and a good new job for me (babysitting 4 children for a single mother, whom I met through my recent involvement in the Pro-Life ministry at church.  This job is a blessing because it came when my work hours were very few and this mother's need was very great.  I love being able to serve her and her children in this way and I hope to provide child-care for her as long as God would have me do so because I feel it is His plan for me to share His love with the people around me in Maryland - and isn't THAT what it's all about?).  We feel very connected in our ministries in church and our service is very much appreciated; on top of that, we are meeting new people and our existing friendships are growing.  He & I have very few friends apart from the ones in church, particularly friends with whom we are very close, and we feel the best way to grow those relationships is to walk beside our brothers and sisters on a daily basis here in Maryland.      

b.       We don’t feel led to leave Maryland yet, and we’re not just going to “jump ship” without God’s leading.  Our life path is different than everyone else’s; what He has planned for one family is not what He has planned for another family.  I considered moving to NC with my family this past summer, but God quickly made it clear that that was not what He intended for me to do.  Looking back now I can see that, had I moved, Daniel would've suffered terribly on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level.  We went through some difficult trials together, pertaining in particular with his jobs.  That being said, I cannot nor do I want to imagine how much harder it would've been if we had been separated.  With no promise of employment elsewhere we feel that, in this season, God would have us stay in Maryland.  In another season, He may have us move but right now we can’t see the future or what it holds for us. 

c.       Our God is bigger than the economy and the tyranny of the government. 
God has been faithful to prove His trustworthiness in the face of our great financial difficulties and I believe that, if it is God’s will for us to stay here, He will continue to bless us and provide for our every need.  I have seen Him provide me breakfast when I had nothing of my own to eat, and finances for car repairs, groceries, and medical supplies when I was short on money.  Honestly, the biggest issue should not be the money.  I’m not trying to downplay the severity of our state’s situation.  Maryland is a broken state, just like all the others.  Our country is a broken country, just like all the others.  But our God is bigger, more powerful, and more loving than our government.  If He were to send us to the poorest, sickest, most hostile place in the world, we would go.  His plans for us are for our good…He has nothing but our best interest in mind and we can go wherever He sends us with confidence because He is always with us.  That being said, we are very blessed to be where we are, surrounded by the people who care for and love us most, as we start this new season in our lives.  I would also like to say that I have felt my faith strengthen in these trying times and, through the faith-building I’ve received, I believe that God has used me to encourage Daniel in his own times of anxiety and doubt.  This is very encouraging because it means He is growing us into the husband and wife that He wants us to be. 

d.      Daniel wants to stay close to his family in order to receive allergy shots from his mom (a registered nurse) when he needs them. 
My Diabetes and Celiac doctors are also nearby.  This is not to say that we couldn’t move elsewhere and receive the same care; it is just much more convenient for us right now. 

Because of these few reasons I am going to follow, cleave to, and respect him and his leadership in this decision.  After all, we are going to be starting our own family unit and family units have to do what is best for them, which is not always what is best for everyone else.  Because we are different people and a different family, we have a different path.  

And that's okay.  That's part of God's intended purpose: to spread out, multiply, and inhabit the earth.  With His guidance, we're just going to do it a little bit differently.  So fear not for us but pray for us, that God would do His work through us while we are still in Maryland.    

A Different Direction

So I think I’ve figured out what I want to do with my blog.  Wedding planning is only going to last another month, and I’ve got the blog on our wedding website for those updates: http://www.mywedding.com/dpandrach/blog.html

So, I am going to take my personal blog in a different direction.  I would like to use this post to explain myself.   

I’ve had a lot floating around in my mind lately.  Most of it pertains to my personal, spiritual, and physical well-being and growth.  Some of the thoughts take me back to the past; some of them are forcing me to spring into the future.  I’ve been encouraged and emboldened to speak my mind; I’ve also felt discouraged about sharing.  However, I am tired of feeling like my voice does not matter, my opinions do not count, and my experiences are not relevant. 

Now that I have a clearer idea of who I am as a person and how my mind works, I think that it is helpful and necessary to share my perspective.  If you do not care to hear from me, you are not obligated to read my blog.  If you have the desire to lend me your attention span briefly every so often, I ask that you would bear with me as I continue to find my voice, which is a big deal to me since I've never really been able to find it before.  The biggest reason for that is because I am an introvert - quiet, reserved; I don't talk unless I feel I have something important to say, and if I feel ignored or pushed aside, I will not waste my energy on trying to make myself heard. 

Here, let me give you a brief glimpse into my personality:

ISFJ – Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging 

  I – Introversion preferred to extraversion: ISFJs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extraverts gain energy).

· S – Sensing preferred to intuition: ISFJs tend to be more concrete than abstract. They focus their attention on the details rather than the big picture, and on immediate realities rather than future possibilities.

· F – Feeling preferred to thinking: ISFJs tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic.

· J – Judgment preferred to perception: ISFJs tend to plan their activities and make decisions early. They derive a sense of control through predictability.

(Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ISFJ)

AKA Guardian Protector

We are lucky that Protectors make up as much as ten percent the population, because their primary interest is in the safety and security of those they care about - their family, their circle of friends, their students, their patients, their boss, their fellow-workers, or their employees. Protectors have an extraordinary sense of loyalty and responsibility in their makeup, and seem fulfilled in the degree they can shield others from the dirt and dangers of the world. Speculating and experimenting do not intrigue Protectors, who prefer to make do with time-honored and time-tested products and procedures rather than change to new. At work Protectors are seldom happy in situations where the rules are constantly changing, or where long-established ways of doing things are not respected. For their part, Protectors value tradition, both in the culture and in their family. Protectors believe deeply in the stability of social ranking conferred by birth, titles, offices, and credentials. And they cherish family history and enjoy caring for family property, from houses to heirlooms.

Wanting to be of service to others, Protectors find great satisfaction in assisting the downtrodden, and can deal with disability and neediness in others better than any other type. They are not as outgoing and talkative as the Provider Guardians [ESFJs], and their shyness is often misjudged as stiffness, even coldness, when in truth Protectors are warm-hearted and sympathetic, giving happily of themselves to those in need.

Their reserve ought really to be seen as an expression of their sincerity and seriousness of purpose. The most diligent of all the types, Protectors are willing to work long, hard hours quietly doing all the thankless jobs that others manage to avoid. Protectors are quite happy working alone; in fact, in positions of authority they may try to do everything themselves rather than direct others to get the job done. Thoroughness and frugality are also virtues for them. When Protectors undertake a task, they will complete it if humanly possible. They also know better than any other type the value of a dollar, and they abhor the squandering or misuse of money. To save, to put something aside against an unpredictable future, to prepare for emergencies-these are actions near and dear to the Protector's heart. For all these reasons, Protectors are frequently overworked, just as they are frequently misunderstood and undervalued. Their contributions, and also their economies, are often taken for granted, and they rarely get the gratitude they deserve.

(Source: http://www.keirsey.com/4temps/protector.asp)

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I am growing excited as I think about all the things I want to express: joys and sorrows.
I am looking forward to experiencing a new chapter in my life (marriage).
I am growing eager about sharing the things (good and bad) that have gotten me to where I am today.
I am trusting that my spiritual experiences will shed light on and open eyes to the reality of God's love in my life while also exposing the dangerous pitfalls that Satan has tried to use against me.
I am hopeful that you will join me, learn from me, share with me, encourage me, and pray for me.  I am going to make it a goal of posting at least once a week. 

The Art of Successful Communication with Me

Like highway driving, communication is an art.

And there's a balance when it comes to communicating with me, as I'm sure there is with anyone you'll meet.  The trick is finding it and taking advantage of it.  I'm going to make that process easier for you by telling you which 2 points that balance lies between when it comes to me.  I'm sure you know I'm an introvert.  I'm what you call a thinker.  I spend the majority of my time thinking rather than speaking.  I don't speak unless I feel I have something to positively add to the conversation.  I don't like to speak verbally as much, either, simply because I need time to think out my responses before giving them and speaking doesn't afford for much time to craft a satisfactory answer.  I prefer to write.  I also don't like to be rushed into using words I don't mean, and writing allows me to carefully choose the flow of my sentences.

As far as finding balance, there are 2 extremes that must be recognized and avoided if you are to have a successful conversation with me.

Those 2 extremes are:
1) Don't pressure me to speak
2) Don't ignore me when I speak

Both of these extremes will result in the same outcome:  I will clam up.

If you pressure me to speak before I am ready, I will defensively shut down my brain and refuse to speak.
If you ignore me while I am speaking, I will not waste my words on closed ears.
The same can be said of interrupting me. 
It's as simple as that.

I do not like to waste my breath on words because I do not like to repeat myself.  If you do not want to pay attention to me, my unobtrusive nature will respect that and silently slip into the background.  If I feel I have nothing to add to a conversation, I will quietly slip away to a place where I can people-watch.  I have just as much (maybe even more!) fun watching people interact as they have fun interacting.

All this to say, if you really want to talk to me, show me you want to talk by listening and not pressuring me for long, deep answers on the spot.  Better yet, write to me.  I will give you my full attention.  I love to see words rather than hear them.  I am a visual person more than an audible person.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The pen is to the writer as 

the brush is to the painter.  

With each stroke flows the 

outpouring of the artist's soul.

I write - handwrite - my initial work because the pen - first and foremost - is my favorite tool.  It alone provides the means by which my soul finds creative freedom.  As the ink flows, the mental images are transferred and materialize on the paper; in essence, I give them life in a way that allows me to completely engross my passion.  Each pen stroke is a paint stroke to me; each letter, each word formed beneath my pen, is the very outpouring of my mind, my creative genius.  Each one is precious.  When the words have all flowed out, I can rest soundly knowing they have all been captured and accurately portrayed.  

I am satisfied.

                     I am pleased.

                                        I am finished.

                                                           I have written.

                                                                                I have created.