Dear Aurora

Dear Aurora,                                               March 7, 2014

Tonight, while I was knitting, your Daddy came in and asked what I was making.   

“A scarf?” he asked.  He loves scarves!
“Nope,” I grinned.
“A sweater?”
“Nope.”
“Socks?”
“Nope.”
“Gloves?”
“Nope.”  He’s not very good at guessing, is he?  Heehee.
“I give up.”
“A blanket,” I told him.  “I hope she likes it.”  (Isn't it pretty, pink and blue and purple?  All different colors, like an aurora in the sky.) 
“She?  Is there something you need to tell me?”
I giggled, knowing he would say something like that.  Ever since I’ve joked around about being pregnant, he’s been on high alert.  “No, silly.  I knew you would think that.  I’m just knitting this for Aurora because I can…and because I want to.”

My darling daughter, whenever God decides to bring you into our lives, I want you to know something.  Right now, as I write this, you have not even been conceived yet.  But, your Daddy and I have already picked out your name, and we are already looking forward to having you in our lives.  You are already precious to us.  You are already loved by us. 

I can only imagine that this is sort of what it was like for God before He created the world and us in it.  In the book of Jeremiah, God tells us that “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you.”  He knows everything about you.  He knows how many hairs you will have on your head, what color your eyes will be, what sorts of things you will like and dislike, even what every single day of your life will be like because He has already numbered them all for you.

God knows you and loves you more personally and intimately than anyone ever will…even more than your Daddy and me.  We hope and pray that as you get older you come to know how precious you truly are to Him and to us, and how much we desire to see you grow into a beautiful woman of God.

With love now and forever,
Mommy         

I’ve Changed My Mind

Some recent developments have filled me with a desire to re-visit my previous post from February, as seen below.

Our Home – Why we’re still in Maryland
I wanted to address this matter because I know my family strongly desires to see Daniel & I make our home in another state; however, we strongly believe that God has a different plan and purpose for us.

Boy, have times changed.  And it’s only been 7 months!  Almost 6 months of marriage, and I have spent approximately 5 of them having my eyes opened to the reality of our situation.  Man, was I ever blind!  It has not been an easy process…in fact, it has been quite painful…but I am confident that God intends it for our good.  I no longer believe that God wants us to stay in Maryland.  I believe that He wants us to do what is wise and practical.

God’s plan for us is to stay in Maryland.  Why? 
He has provided affordable living arrangements for us, good connections, networks, and friends who are encouraging and walking with us every step of the way, and a good new job for me (babysitting 4 children for a single mother, whom I met through my recent involvement in the Pro-Life ministry at church.  This job is a blessing because it came when my work hours were very few and this mother's need was very great.  I love being able to serve her and her children in this way and I hope to provide child-care for her as long as God would have me do so because I feel it is His plan for me to share His love with the people around me in Maryland - and isn't THAT what it's all about?).  We feel very connected in our ministries in church and our service is very much appreciated; on top of that, we are meeting new people and our existing friendships are growing.  He & I have very few friends apart from the ones in church, particularly friends with whom we are very close, and we feel the best way to grow those relationships is to walk beside our brothers and sisters on a daily basis here in Maryland.

I have watched in the past 5 months as everything I had was stripped away.  My connections, networks, friends, and church have crumbled beneath my feet.  I am no longer babysitting for the single mother.  My bouts with the county over the money they owed me for my childcare services lasted way longer than I could have ever anticipated and I have no intention of ever dealing with them again.  I am no longer a member of Covenant Life Church.  My spiritual scars from the past were re-opened and new ones were being formed right on top of them.  Removing myself from the pain was the only way to begin the healing process. 
     
We don’t feel led to leave Maryland yet, and we’re not just going to “jump ship” without God’s leading.  Our life path is different than everyone else’s; what He has planned for one family is not what He has planned for another family.  I considered moving to NC with my family this past summer, but God quickly made it clear that that was not what He intended for me to do.  Looking back now I can see that, had I moved, Daniel would've suffered terribly on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level.  We went through some difficult trials together, pertaining in particular with his jobs.  That being said, I cannot nor do I want to imagine how much harder it would've been if we had been separated.  With no promise of employment elsewhere we feel that, in this season, God would have us stay in Maryland.  In another season, He may have us move but right now we can’t see the future or what it holds for us.

I cannot express how strongly I now feel led to leave Maryland.  I should have moved to NC/TN with my family last year.  The distress, longing, and burdens I feel within me have physically lifted every time we’ve gone down to visit my family this summer.  I have learned that employment elsewhere cannot be attained UNLESS you are elsewhere.  Very rarely are people able to get a job unless they are in that location.  And to be honest, we’ve tried to make it here, and it’s just not happening.  How could we have been so naïve to think that we, the poorest couple, could make it in one of the richest counties?  Our expenses are too high and the cost of living here is too high for our small little income.  We need to be in Tennessee, where it is cheaper and where we can make our money go farther.
Our God is bigger than the economy and the tyranny of the government. 
God has been faithful to prove His trustworthiness in the face of our great financial difficulties and I believe that, if it is God’s will for us to stay here, He will continue to bless us and provide for our every need.  I have seen Him provide me breakfast when I had nothing of my own to eat, and finances for car repairs, groceries, and medical supplies when I was short on money.  Honestly, the biggest issue should not be the money.  I’m not trying to downplay the severity of our state’s situation.  Maryland is a broken state, just like all the others.  Our country is a broken country, just like all the others.  But our God is bigger, more powerful, and more loving than our government.  If He were to send us to the poorest, sickest, most hostile place in the world, we would go.  His plans for us are for our good…He has nothing but our best interest in mind and we can go wherever He sends us with confidence because He is always with us.  That being said, we are very blessed to be where we are, surrounded by the people who care for and love us most, as we start this new season in our lives.  I would also like to say that I have felt my faith strengthen in these trying times and, through the faith-building I’ve received, I believe that God has used me to encourage Daniel in his own times of anxiety and doubt.  This is very encouraging because it means He is growing us into the husband and wife that He wants us to be.

While God is bigger than the economy, that does not mean He wants us to sit around where we are struggling to survive and wait for Him to drop a job in our lap.  As I said in my last post about stewardship, He gives us resources and trusts that we will use them wisely.  If we squander them, that’s our fault.  That’s why I believe that staying here is not a wise use of our money – what little we have to our names right now.  Staying in an expensive county with very little money and no good prospects of making enough to live on month-to-month is not putting faith in God to provide.  It is foolhardy and reckless.  I feel especially threatened when it comes to my health.  I am absolutely dependent on health insurance coverage for my doctor visits and prescription medications.  Without health insurance, my medicines would cost thousands of dollars and my doctor visits would cost hundreds.  We simply do not have the money to pay for all of those things out of pocket, and the price of my health insurance plan here has almost doubled.  It would be absolutely reckless to continue living where the cost of my health insurance hangs in the balance of our tight budget.  We can’t afford to not have it.  My life depends on it.
Daniel wants to stay close to his family in order to receive allergy shots from his mom (a registered nurse) when he needs them. 
My Diabetes and Celiac doctors are also nearby.  This is not to say that we couldn’t move elsewhere and receive the same care; it is just much more convenient for us right now.

Convenience is overrated.  Seriously.  We’ll find other doctors.

Because of these few reasons I am going to follow, cleave to, and respect him and his leadership in this decision.  After all, we are going to be starting our own family unit and family units have to do what is best for them, which is not always what is best for everyone else.  Because we are different people and a different family, we have a different path.

I will be honest.  We are a divided household.  We have different opinions and points of view.  We both realize that we cannot have it both ways – we cannot live in Maryland AND Tennessee.  One of us is going to have to give.  And I am scared.  I know that Satan is looking for a foothold, any chance he can get to drive a wedge between us (which it seems is already there), so that he can destroy what God has brought together.  I can feel him attacking but I can also sense God’s hand at work, albeit in the background.  I know He’s not going to let us go.  I know He is going to work all things for our good.  But that doesn’t change the fact that it has been difficult to follow Daniel down a path that looks like it ends in financial ruin.  I refuse to let us get to that point.  I have struggled enough in my life to know the pain and heartache of bankruptcy.  That is not what I want for us or for our future children, whenever we may have them.  If we are going to do what is best for our family, we need to be prepared to make decisions – hard decisions – that may or may not involve “hearing from God.”  There are some decisions WE just need to make.  And sometimes, those decisions require us to make a sacrifice for the greater good.  And you know what?  Sacrifices HURT! 
I’d also like to point out that this isn’t a matter of me being discontent with where we are, or submitting and “obeying” my husband because he has the “final say,” because honestly, that’s NOT biblical.  This concept has been nagging at me for a while now and I wanted to make my stance perfectly clear.      

Writing to Heal - Mentally

“I lie inside myself for hours and watch my purple sky fly over me.”  Imaginary, Evanescence

This line describes me to a T.  

What’s something you’re good at?

As an introvert, I’m good at self-reflection, or introspection.  I spend a lot of time thinking: thinking about things I’ve said, or should’ve said; things others have said, or shouldn’t have said; things that happened, or shouldn’t have happened.  I think about motives, words unspoken, and cryptic messages.  When I was younger, there were plenty of opportunities to do so, and I jumped on them.  My weak, untrained, naïve mind couldn’t grasp the consequences, however, and I caused myself a lot of grief by dwelling too much on the negatives.  I internalized so much and took things personally when I shouldn’t have.  As a result, I beat myself up for no good reason.  

1. Lack of self-esteem and self-worth caused me to feel judged by others and withdraw inside myself.

I’m not sure when this started but sometime after I turned 10 my self-esteem started to plummet.  Perhaps it was due to the various friendships I had that were going in different directions when I entered middle school and junior high.  Friends I had grown up with were pursuing other friends and leaving me behind, even though I thought we’d be friends forever.  I can see now that that only happens in rare instances and fairy tales.  At any rate, I began to feel like I wasn’t good enough for them and, subsequently, judged as some sort of weirdo because I didn’t like the same things they did.  I pulled away from them, uninterested in spending time with people who didn’t know me anymore or didn’t want to keep spending time with me.  Then there were my new friends, who soon became at odds with my old friends.  I felt torn between my two groups but couldn’t choose one group over the other.  I only disclosed certain things to certain friends, and even then there were times I would lie because I feared their rejection or judgments if they really knew the truth.  As I feared rejection more and more, I slowly isolated myself and set up defensive barriers that kept others from getting too close to my thoughts.  But I ended up defending the wrong thoughts.

2. Spiritual attacks weakened my mind

The good thing is that I know my brain is working.  The bad thing is that it usually works too much and in the wrong direction.  See, I’m not very good at arguing or debating, so when I am confronted with a fact that is logical but inherently wrong, I struggle to fight against it.  For example, when I was faced with one of Satan’s lies (“You’re worthless”), my mind considered the “facts” (I was a financial burden, I’d never be good enough, the pain and frustration wasn’t worth it, etc) and dwelt on them until they were planted so deeply in my heart that they took root and choked out any gospel truth that might’ve been there.  With no biblical foundation, I fell.  I fell far, probably to about as rock bottom as I could go, before the light of the truth reached me.  But I was so good at not fighting back, at not seeking out hope, that eventually my mind trained itself to fall into the rut of accepting the false facts as truth and live in the secrecy of the darkness.  And no one suspected anything because I didn’t trust anyone enough to admit it.  My unobtrusiveness and reclusiveness held me back in my dark corner of the world.  

And I liked it.  I lived for me, my desires, my solitude, my privacy.  No one needed to see me for who I truly was.  And why would they want to?  I was bitter, angry, and self-loathing.  Who wants to spend time with someone like that?

3. Repressed guilt ate away at me

Like I said before, I felt like a financial burden on my family.  I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes when I was 8, and besides the fact that all the health care changes were most unwelcome, the cost of my health care skyrocketed.  My medical supplies were numerous and expensive, and my family was struggling to make ends meet.  Dad’s work was unpredictable and we lived paycheck to paycheck.  I hated feeling like I was adding an extra expense to their already overwhelming list of expenses.  Those guilty feelings soon turned to anger, despair, and suicidal thoughts.  After all, if ending my pain and misery ended their financial burden, and if I would never be good enough at taking care of myself, why shouldn’t I?

4. I defended angry, hateful, depressive, and suicidal thoughts

The wall of secrecy I built in my mind harbored the very thoughts I should have been fighting against.  

• Anger toward God for giving me diabetes
• Hate for the disease that fueled my depression and pulled me into thoughts of suicide.  

I hated life and hated to think about living in the chains of diabetes for the rest of my life.  How could a loving God sentence me to such a miserable existence?  I couldn’t fathom His plan because my mind was focused on the pity party it was throwing, and hey, it was a party of which I was the focus!  Sometimes it felt like I was the only one who cared about how I felt, and I can see now that that’s because I didn’t let, want, or trust anyone else to know what was going on...not even God.  You can probably see how my self-deception led me to believe no one else cared, and so then why should I keep living?  A burden no one cares for is worthless, and they’d be better off without me.

My mind deteriorated.  I fought with myself on a daily, moment-by-moment basis.  Live or die?  

I was a coward (thanks to God) who couldn’t imagine the pain I’d inflict on my family, who, although they didn’t know me, instilled a sense of loyalty and devotion in me.  It was too much to ignore.  I held on through high school, and God met me shortly after.

I’m grateful beyond words that God met me.  He reached down, personally (through a dream), to tell me that He did care and that if I wanted to follow Him (like He could see me pretending to do) I had to turn my life around – or rather, trust Him to do it.  I wasn’t alone.  He’d been with me all along, and I believe He let me reach my lowest point so I could see clearly how much I needed Him to save me.

My defenses have been lowered.  They fell when I confessed my sin and need for His salvation.  I’ve been working to build up new defenses – walls that protect the truth of God’s love for me and the purpose He has for my life.  My worth is measured in the price Christ paid on the cross.  He was rejected and alone so I would never have to be.  He carried all of my burdens to the cross and left them there.  I am no burden.  I am a beloved daughter of God.  

And while I’m still fighting against Satan’s lies, I’m learning that I’m not fighting alone.  For every lie there is an absolute truth that cannot be changed, and there is a loving God who worked through my trials to bring me to salvation.  What’s more, He is still working in me and will continue to do so until His purpose for me has been fulfilled.  He’s doing the same for you, in your life, whether you can see it or not.  His fingerprints are all over every inch of creation.  

That’s the God I serve.  Don't make the same mistake I made.  Don't let your anger shut Him out.  Humble your heart.  He knows everything about you.  You can't hide anything from Him.  Let Him carry your burdens.  Let Him hold the position He truly is in Your life: Lord.  Let Him heal the hurts and the scars you still carry in your heart.  He's the only one who can, and He's waiting for you to run into His open, loving arms.  

“Lord, please help me to remember that You are my loving, personal God and Father.  Help me face and conquer the fears I am still facing, the fears that still dwell in my scarred mind.  Some scars run deep and I cannot heal them alone.  Give me strength to trust You in all things so that I can heal and continue to live my life fully for you.  In Your name I pray, Amen.”

Writing to Heal - Spiritually

I’ve always been a writer.  Ever since I was little, words have fascinated me.  And it’s not by chance, or by accident, that my mind is wired to creatively express itself through the use of written language.  I can’t thank God enough for this gift, this talent, He’s given me.  I think it has literally saved my life. 

I love words and I love writing.  Writing has been my pain reliever.  My journal has always been my best friend.  When hard times overwhelmed me, pen and paper comforted me.  They gave me someone to talk to, someone to confide in.  Someone who wouldn’t judge me but would listen willingly and allow me to pour out my soul with no inhibition.  I felt safe in the confines of the pages.  Books transported me to other worlds where I could focus on other people who were facing problems other than my own.  Problems I sometimes wished were my own.  But writing now allows me to see that problems in my own story are worth facing and sharing, too.  It’s in the process of sharing them that I’m healing.

I can’t number the times I’ve been hurt (who can?) but several times were enough to leave lasting scars – scars that haven’t seen the light of day yet.  They’ve been allowed to sit and fester; to linger and haunt me; to affect my life years beyond what’s good for me.  But I don’t want them anymore.  They’re about to be cast out of the dark shadows of my soul and, through writing, I’m going to heal.

Just like every sinner alive, I’ve been hurt in every way you can imagine.  I’m not going to sugarcoat anything for you.  This is real life, and there are real people out there struggling with the same things.  They need to know, like I wish I’d known, that they are not alone.  They are not unloved.  They are not worthless.  They are not an accident.  Their struggles are not in vain.  Their problems are not without a purpose.  This post will focus on the first category.  

1.  I’ve been hurt spiritually
-Poor spiritual foundation due to a lack of sound doctrine teaching in my old church.  I truly believe that had there been a stronger focus on teaching sound doctrine to the congregation, my spiritual life would not have been as neglected as it was.  As it happened, I did not receive a formal or thorough spiritual education until after I graduated from high school.  As you will see later, this delay had a detrimental impact on my spiritual, mental, and physical well-being.

-Lack of encouragement to pursue Christ as my own.  He was always my parents’ Savior, but never mine.  I was told He was a personal God, but I had no comprehension of what that meant or looked like, so I settled into the motions of pretending to be a Christian.  I wore a mask and lived a double life: the happy, Christian mask covered the face of a lost sinner ensnared in her own sin.   

-Too much emphasis on my own works and behavior for God’s favor in my life.  It was always up to me to look in the mirror, see what was wrong, and fix it.  God was just there to forgive me; to put a spiritual Band-aid on my sin.  But I needed MORE than that.  I needed a new heart…a new LIFE.  I was dead, living in perpetual sin, believing it was all up to me to live the life God wanted me to live.  But I couldn’t live that life because I was a walking dead man, alienated from the will of God.

-Lack of knowledge of God’s true character led to vulnerability, especially to lies.  Because I did not know who God truly was, or what He was truly like, it was very easy for Satan to, in the midst of my suffering, fill my head with lies about God’s nature.  I did not really know how loving, faithful, patience, gracious, and merciful God was, so Satan's deception led me to believe that He was impersonal, far away, uncaring, angry, and uninterested in my worthless little soul.  My heart was entangled in a web that could only be dispelled by the light of the Word, which did not reach me until after high school.

Through my love for creative writing, I have taken on the task of incorporating bits and pieces of my personal life into my stories.  I hope that these stories, and the characters within them, can reach out and touch the readers in a real way, right where they are.  Time and time again, I have witnessed the power of God at work in the smallest of ways, which amazingly enough, are the most personal of ways.  It is the reminder of those personal touches, as I like to think of them, that the God who made me, saved me, and loves me, is the God who delights in reaching out and touching me right where I am.  It is through those touches that I have started on the path to healing spiritually and I have faith to bring the rest of these scars to the surface.   

Our Home – Why we’re still in Maryland

I wanted to address this matter because I know my family strongly desires to see Daniel & I make our home in another state; however, we strongly believe that God has a different plan and purpose for us.

a.        God’s plan for us is to stay in Maryland.  Why? 
He has provided affordable living arrangements for us, good connections, networks, and friends who are encouraging and walking with us every step of the way, and a good new job for me (babysitting 4 children for a single mother, whom I met through my recent involvement in the Pro-Life ministry at church.  This job is a blessing because it came when my work hours were very few and this mother's need was very great.  I love being able to serve her and her children in this way and I hope to provide child-care for her as long as God would have me do so because I feel it is His plan for me to share His love with the people around me in Maryland - and isn't THAT what it's all about?).  We feel very connected in our ministries in church and our service is very much appreciated; on top of that, we are meeting new people and our existing friendships are growing.  He & I have very few friends apart from the ones in church, particularly friends with whom we are very close, and we feel the best way to grow those relationships is to walk beside our brothers and sisters on a daily basis here in Maryland.      

b.       We don’t feel led to leave Maryland yet, and we’re not just going to “jump ship” without God’s leading.  Our life path is different than everyone else’s; what He has planned for one family is not what He has planned for another family.  I considered moving to NC with my family this past summer, but God quickly made it clear that that was not what He intended for me to do.  Looking back now I can see that, had I moved, Daniel would've suffered terribly on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level.  We went through some difficult trials together, pertaining in particular with his jobs.  That being said, I cannot nor do I want to imagine how much harder it would've been if we had been separated.  With no promise of employment elsewhere we feel that, in this season, God would have us stay in Maryland.  In another season, He may have us move but right now we can’t see the future or what it holds for us. 

c.       Our God is bigger than the economy and the tyranny of the government. 
God has been faithful to prove His trustworthiness in the face of our great financial difficulties and I believe that, if it is God’s will for us to stay here, He will continue to bless us and provide for our every need.  I have seen Him provide me breakfast when I had nothing of my own to eat, and finances for car repairs, groceries, and medical supplies when I was short on money.  Honestly, the biggest issue should not be the money.  I’m not trying to downplay the severity of our state’s situation.  Maryland is a broken state, just like all the others.  Our country is a broken country, just like all the others.  But our God is bigger, more powerful, and more loving than our government.  If He were to send us to the poorest, sickest, most hostile place in the world, we would go.  His plans for us are for our good…He has nothing but our best interest in mind and we can go wherever He sends us with confidence because He is always with us.  That being said, we are very blessed to be where we are, surrounded by the people who care for and love us most, as we start this new season in our lives.  I would also like to say that I have felt my faith strengthen in these trying times and, through the faith-building I’ve received, I believe that God has used me to encourage Daniel in his own times of anxiety and doubt.  This is very encouraging because it means He is growing us into the husband and wife that He wants us to be. 

d.      Daniel wants to stay close to his family in order to receive allergy shots from his mom (a registered nurse) when he needs them. 
My Diabetes and Celiac doctors are also nearby.  This is not to say that we couldn’t move elsewhere and receive the same care; it is just much more convenient for us right now. 

Because of these few reasons I am going to follow, cleave to, and respect him and his leadership in this decision.  After all, we are going to be starting our own family unit and family units have to do what is best for them, which is not always what is best for everyone else.  Because we are different people and a different family, we have a different path.  

And that's okay.  That's part of God's intended purpose: to spread out, multiply, and inhabit the earth.  With His guidance, we're just going to do it a little bit differently.  So fear not for us but pray for us, that God would do His work through us while we are still in Maryland.    

A Different Direction

So I think I’ve figured out what I want to do with my blog.  Wedding planning is only going to last another month, and I’ve got the blog on our wedding website for those updates: http://www.mywedding.com/dpandrach/blog.html

So, I am going to take my personal blog in a different direction.  I would like to use this post to explain myself.   

I’ve had a lot floating around in my mind lately.  Most of it pertains to my personal, spiritual, and physical well-being and growth.  Some of the thoughts take me back to the past; some of them are forcing me to spring into the future.  I’ve been encouraged and emboldened to speak my mind; I’ve also felt discouraged about sharing.  However, I am tired of feeling like my voice does not matter, my opinions do not count, and my experiences are not relevant. 

Now that I have a clearer idea of who I am as a person and how my mind works, I think that it is helpful and necessary to share my perspective.  If you do not care to hear from me, you are not obligated to read my blog.  If you have the desire to lend me your attention span briefly every so often, I ask that you would bear with me as I continue to find my voice, which is a big deal to me since I've never really been able to find it before.  The biggest reason for that is because I am an introvert - quiet, reserved; I don't talk unless I feel I have something important to say, and if I feel ignored or pushed aside, I will not waste my energy on trying to make myself heard. 

Here, let me give you a brief glimpse into my personality:

ISFJ – Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging 

  I – Introversion preferred to extraversion: ISFJs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extraverts gain energy).

· S – Sensing preferred to intuition: ISFJs tend to be more concrete than abstract. They focus their attention on the details rather than the big picture, and on immediate realities rather than future possibilities.

· F – Feeling preferred to thinking: ISFJs tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic.

· J – Judgment preferred to perception: ISFJs tend to plan their activities and make decisions early. They derive a sense of control through predictability.

(Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ISFJ)

AKA Guardian Protector

We are lucky that Protectors make up as much as ten percent the population, because their primary interest is in the safety and security of those they care about - their family, their circle of friends, their students, their patients, their boss, their fellow-workers, or their employees. Protectors have an extraordinary sense of loyalty and responsibility in their makeup, and seem fulfilled in the degree they can shield others from the dirt and dangers of the world. Speculating and experimenting do not intrigue Protectors, who prefer to make do with time-honored and time-tested products and procedures rather than change to new. At work Protectors are seldom happy in situations where the rules are constantly changing, or where long-established ways of doing things are not respected. For their part, Protectors value tradition, both in the culture and in their family. Protectors believe deeply in the stability of social ranking conferred by birth, titles, offices, and credentials. And they cherish family history and enjoy caring for family property, from houses to heirlooms.

Wanting to be of service to others, Protectors find great satisfaction in assisting the downtrodden, and can deal with disability and neediness in others better than any other type. They are not as outgoing and talkative as the Provider Guardians [ESFJs], and their shyness is often misjudged as stiffness, even coldness, when in truth Protectors are warm-hearted and sympathetic, giving happily of themselves to those in need.

Their reserve ought really to be seen as an expression of their sincerity and seriousness of purpose. The most diligent of all the types, Protectors are willing to work long, hard hours quietly doing all the thankless jobs that others manage to avoid. Protectors are quite happy working alone; in fact, in positions of authority they may try to do everything themselves rather than direct others to get the job done. Thoroughness and frugality are also virtues for them. When Protectors undertake a task, they will complete it if humanly possible. They also know better than any other type the value of a dollar, and they abhor the squandering or misuse of money. To save, to put something aside against an unpredictable future, to prepare for emergencies-these are actions near and dear to the Protector's heart. For all these reasons, Protectors are frequently overworked, just as they are frequently misunderstood and undervalued. Their contributions, and also their economies, are often taken for granted, and they rarely get the gratitude they deserve.

(Source: http://www.keirsey.com/4temps/protector.asp)

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I am growing excited as I think about all the things I want to express: joys and sorrows.
I am looking forward to experiencing a new chapter in my life (marriage).
I am growing eager about sharing the things (good and bad) that have gotten me to where I am today.
I am trusting that my spiritual experiences will shed light on and open eyes to the reality of God's love in my life while also exposing the dangerous pitfalls that Satan has tried to use against me.
I am hopeful that you will join me, learn from me, share with me, encourage me, and pray for me.  I am going to make it a goal of posting at least once a week. 

6 More Weeks!

6 more weeks until our wedding!  Daniel & I are finally starting to feel the excitement rising as we rejoice that the day of which we have both been dreaming but thought would never come is actually in reach!  And things are coming together pretty well...all things considered.  :)

Ironically, (and sadly) the two groomsmen that we planned the March 24th date around are no longer able to make it to our wedding (due to finances and conflicting schedules).  Daniel has been searching for replacements and has already found one, but we still need another.  He is prayerfully considering 2 other young men to ask.

As I said, wedding planning is coming along nicely; although lately I've been feeling like a chicken with its head cut off - between wedding planning and my new job I feel like I've hardly had a chance to catch my breath!  But now that I have access to the wedding money we've received, I am able to purchase the last things we need for decorations, flowers, and accessories!  Our honeymoon details have been ironed out (we just have to book a hotel room for one night) and we are thrilled just thinking about all the wonderful things we are going to do and see!  

Other updates:
I have found someone who is willing to bake & decorate my cake as a present: Marybeth Matney.

We've also found a wedding coordinator, Deborah Banks, who will help out with some of the details that I won't be able to keep track of on the Big Day.  I am meeting with her tomorrow after church to talk about plans.

And we have a photographer, Angelica Gottberg, who offered to take our pictures as a very generous wedding present!

And tonight, I am getting together with my seamstress friend to go over the final details of my wedding dress alterations!  I'm so excited to see it and try it on!  

Getting Married - When It Comes To Picking The Date

“When’s the date?”

That slowly became my least favorite question over the first 6 months of our engagement.  I felt like the excitement of our betrothal was being hampered by the growing uncertainty of how long Daniel’s unemployment, and, subsequently, our lack of a wedding date, would be.  I found the question more and more unhelpful as my impatience grew.  I found myself asking, “How much longer?  When can we finally set a date?  When can we finally get married?”  I might even go so far as to say that, for me, being asked, “When’s the date?” was as unhelpful as being asked, “Are you pregnant?” when I’m not.  Having a long tunnel with no end in sight discouraged my heart day by day.

When did asking a newly engaged couple for their wedding date become standard operating procedure?  I ask because I want to speak for those who find themselves in a similar position to mine – no date in sight due to circumstances beyond their control.  Not everyone has a date in mind the day they get engaged.  Picking a wedding date is a lot more involved than just saying, “Let’s get married on this day!”  There are several things that need to be factored in to the decision (unless, of course, there are time constraints or the option of eloping is on the table).  But I’m talking about for a family-oriented wedding ceremony & reception, where the venue availability is a big issue, as are scheduling conflicts that may arise in the wedding party participants’ lives.  Don’t forget that some couples are waiting on a job, or to finish school, or to save up money, or what have you.

I’ve tried very hard not to ask, “When’s the date?” (because of how being asked that affected me), especially when I don’t know the couple or what they’re going through in their relationship.  Please be sensitive, that’s all I’m saying.  The enthusiasm and excitement you feel for us is appreciated, don’t get me wrong.  But I wonder if it’s too much to ask that you let newly engaged couples announce their wedding date in their own time, of their own volition?  

That being said, we’ve changed our date (due to scheduling conflicts) to March 24, 2013.

A Job & A Wedding Date

Daniel started his job on the 5th and he loves it!  :)

Today we picked our wedding date and venue!  We will be getting married on March 23, 2013 (3-23-13) at the American Legion Post 171 in Damascus!  We are so excited!

Growing up

 4 weeks old

 October 31, 1987 (1st Halloween)

Spring or Summer 1988

 June 1989

June 18, 1989

 August 1989

 Aunt Molly's Wedding

 Christmas Day, 1990

September 8, 1992

1995 (7 years old)

Me, Little Bob, & Jelly Bean - Christmas 1996

August 1997

Easter Sunday - March 31, 2002

July 22, 2002

Me & Lady - October 14, 2002

CBA Semi-Formal - May 19, 2003