My Insulin Pump Decision

I read a blog post/article the other day that helped me figure out what I should do about my pump decision.  The author mentioned a few things to take into consideration when deciding between a pump and injections. 

1.     The cost.  Pumps are more expensive and I don’t know how much my insurance will cover (probably only half, like with my Dexcom).

2.    Pumps can have more things go wrong than syringes can.  The battery can die; kinks and air bubbles can prevent insulin delivery; scar tissue build up will prevent insulin absorption; water damage and other malfunctions, etc. 

3.    Pumps don’t work for everyone.  The machine is only as good as its user.  Being on a pump before showed me that I wasn't a very good user.   

4.    Being connected to a pump was something I didn’t like years ago…in fact, I hated it.  The tubing would get caught on things if I wasn’t careful (and I’m clumsy, so that doesn’t help matters), the infusion site sometimes got yanked out prematurely (so annoying!), and I would sometimes drop the pump or it would fall from my hands (I fumble with things a lot).

5.    I want to see how well I do with being “connected” to the Dexcom.  Even though there’s no tubing connecting me to the receiver, I want to see how well I do with changing the transmitter site every week.  Most likely I will do well because it will be showing me patterns in my numbers and I will want to stay on top of them.  I like following numbers on charts and stuff.  Once a week is a whole lot better than every 3 days! 

Therefore, I have decided to not get a pump at this time.  I will be staying on shots.  They are working for me and I see no need to switch.  I just need to choke up on my discipline and I’ll be doing great. 

Being Stewards: Making Our Own Decisions

Lately, I've been mulling over the definition of a steward.

Stewardship:  

1. the position and duties of a steward, a person who acts as the surrogate of another or others, especially by managing property, financial affairs, an estate, etc.  

2. the responsible overseeing and protection of something considered worth caring for and preserving (dictionary.reference.com)

The Bible tells us that we are God's stewards.  We steward everything He gives us: clothes, money, food, property, natural resources, animals, plants, children...everything.

I've heard two perspectives on this matter:

1.  Some people believe that we need to seek God and wait for Him to tell us how He would have us steward the possessions He has given us.  

2.  There are other people who believe that we should just choose what we want because it's our stuff and, if there is a God, He doesn't care about our material goods.

I think both views are missing the point.  We shouldn't have to ask God how to steward what He has given us because He's already told us in the Bible.  God wants us to make good decisions with the things that He places into our care.  He wants our decisions to bring about fruitfulness and abundant provisions for us and our families.  Read the Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25:14-30.  The master does not tell the servants what to do with his money.  They decide themselves what to do.  The first 2 men go and trade the money and make double what they are given.  The third man gets scared and hides the money he is given in the ground.  His master calls him wicked and slothful for doing so.

Let me be clear about something:  He entrusts US with the decision making because He *wants* us to choose.  I believe it is very legalistic to tie ourselves to the belief that we HAVE to wait to hear from God on every single decision that comes up in life.  While I think that seeking God's will is important, we cannot hide behind this belief like some kind of life-preserver.  God does not want us to put our lives on hold during a decision making session simply because we have not heard from Him.  He has given us the FREEDOM to decide what to do and how to do things in our lives, and sometimes He's waiting for US to ACT because He plans to reward us for our faith to act (even without exact instructions).  

Another thing we should remember is that He has given us the grace to find freedom in being able to escape the legalistic views.  He is not a legalistic God.  He is an abundantly gracious and merciful God.  He wants us to be free to make our own decisions.  No matter what we choose, He will use our choices for our good.  We need only to believe that if we act as good stewards and recognize that we need to make a certain decision, it would be right and wise to make that decision, even if we don't hear from God about it.  We don't need to hear from God in order to make a decision.  There are going to be decisions in our lives that we will have to make, no matter how much or how little we pray.  Sitting around "waiting" for God when we should be acting is not pleasing to God.  He is not going to come down out of Heaven and tell us everything He wants us to do.  He entrusted us, as stewards, with the ability to think and act on our own accord for the benefit of us and our families.  To neglect that responsibility is shameful and may even be considered sinful, as James says in 4:17:  "So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin."  If you know that a decision is the right thing to do, do not remain captive to the belief that you must hear from God about it.  Do what is right in the eyes of the Lord: make the decision yourself. 

Wrestling with Questions and An Abusive Theology

Wrestling with Questions

What’s the difference between being discontent and desiring a change of scenery?

What’s the difference between being discontent and desiring to raise a family in a better place than you were raised?

Where do you draw the line between being unhappy with where you are and wanting something simpler, something freeing, something different, something fresh, something better for your future?

Where do you go for the answer?  

Do you look inside yourself?  

Do you look to other people and follow their example?  

Do you read a book, pour through Scripture for the magic verse that answers your soul’s conundrum?  

How do you differentiate your desires from God’s desires from others’ desires?

An Abusive Theology

I recently read a blog post by Rachel Held Evans about what some would consider an abusive theology, taught by John Piper.  That abusive theology is this: You are doing better than you deserve.  Or:  Being abused is better than you deserve. 

I was once told this phrase by someone I respect and, at the time, it made me feel better because there is some level of truth to it.  As sinners, we all deserve to burn in Hell, to be eternally damned, and to be separated from God’s Holy Presence forever.  And all these things are worse than Earthly abuse. 

BUT:  This phrase, this theology, does nothing to help the abuse victim heal.  It leaves them in a broken state with no hope for repair or recovery.  It tells them that they are lucky to have only been abused – and that is how they continue to see themselves for years afterward! 

The problem with this is that:

Abuse of any kind is NEVER okay. 
Abuse goes against the very nature of God.  God abhors abuse!

To leave an abuse victim in the mental clutches of their past abuse experiences is to sentence them to a lifetime of torment, angst, and false identity.  They continue to see themselves as a victim rather than as a valuable human being.  They cling to the thought that being a victim is their only lot in life – that they should be grateful they didn’t suffer something worse.  They wrestle with fears of being targeted again, with trusting people again, with feeling like they are only good for being an object, with feeling worthless and degraded.  

I know because I’ve been there. 

I’m going to come out and say it now:  I have been abused.  I have been abused and I am still dealing with the negative effects from that experience years later.  I’m not talking about spiritual or mental abuse, either.  I mean physical and sexual abuse.

I was touched and physically restrained, while also being emotionally manipulated, by a boy who claimed to be a Christian.  The experience scared me so much that I told my then guy-friend, now-husband, about it and he stepped in to defend me against any possible future attacks.  Thankfully, there were none, but the negative effects did not disappear.  

Right after it happened, I became immensely afraid of my abuser.  I did not want to have any contact with or see him again.
I questioned my worth. 

I struggled to trust people, especially men. 

I felt like an object.  

I felt dehumanized and violated.  

And I still have nightmares about being targeted again.    

These hurts, these feelings, are not going to go away just by believing that being abused was better than I deserved, that I’m lucky to have only been abused.  In fact, it makes me angry that this theology serves to brush abuse victims aside and tell them that they should essentially “be grateful” for being abused.   

Physical, sexual, mental, and emotional abuse are things that I do not wish on anyone at any time.  And you know what?  Neither does God.

God does not show His love for us by making us suffer on Earth.  He showed His love for us by sending His Son to suffer on Earth for us.  All the suffering and abuse in this world is caused by sin, which we chose to bring to Earth when we turned our back on God and decided to live our lives our way.  But He sent His Innocent, Perfect Son to suffer the punishment and death we deserved so that we could be adopted by Him as His beloved children.  Not His abused children, His beloved children.      

What is your take on this abusive theology?  If you have been abused, what steps have you taken to heal?   

Our Home – Why we’re still in Maryland

I wanted to address this matter because I know my family strongly desires to see Daniel & I make our home in another state; however, we strongly believe that God has a different plan and purpose for us.

a.        God’s plan for us is to stay in Maryland.  Why? 
He has provided affordable living arrangements for us, good connections, networks, and friends who are encouraging and walking with us every step of the way, and a good new job for me (babysitting 4 children for a single mother, whom I met through my recent involvement in the Pro-Life ministry at church.  This job is a blessing because it came when my work hours were very few and this mother's need was very great.  I love being able to serve her and her children in this way and I hope to provide child-care for her as long as God would have me do so because I feel it is His plan for me to share His love with the people around me in Maryland - and isn't THAT what it's all about?).  We feel very connected in our ministries in church and our service is very much appreciated; on top of that, we are meeting new people and our existing friendships are growing.  He & I have very few friends apart from the ones in church, particularly friends with whom we are very close, and we feel the best way to grow those relationships is to walk beside our brothers and sisters on a daily basis here in Maryland.      

b.       We don’t feel led to leave Maryland yet, and we’re not just going to “jump ship” without God’s leading.  Our life path is different than everyone else’s; what He has planned for one family is not what He has planned for another family.  I considered moving to NC with my family this past summer, but God quickly made it clear that that was not what He intended for me to do.  Looking back now I can see that, had I moved, Daniel would've suffered terribly on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level.  We went through some difficult trials together, pertaining in particular with his jobs.  That being said, I cannot nor do I want to imagine how much harder it would've been if we had been separated.  With no promise of employment elsewhere we feel that, in this season, God would have us stay in Maryland.  In another season, He may have us move but right now we can’t see the future or what it holds for us. 

c.       Our God is bigger than the economy and the tyranny of the government. 
God has been faithful to prove His trustworthiness in the face of our great financial difficulties and I believe that, if it is God’s will for us to stay here, He will continue to bless us and provide for our every need.  I have seen Him provide me breakfast when I had nothing of my own to eat, and finances for car repairs, groceries, and medical supplies when I was short on money.  Honestly, the biggest issue should not be the money.  I’m not trying to downplay the severity of our state’s situation.  Maryland is a broken state, just like all the others.  Our country is a broken country, just like all the others.  But our God is bigger, more powerful, and more loving than our government.  If He were to send us to the poorest, sickest, most hostile place in the world, we would go.  His plans for us are for our good…He has nothing but our best interest in mind and we can go wherever He sends us with confidence because He is always with us.  That being said, we are very blessed to be where we are, surrounded by the people who care for and love us most, as we start this new season in our lives.  I would also like to say that I have felt my faith strengthen in these trying times and, through the faith-building I’ve received, I believe that God has used me to encourage Daniel in his own times of anxiety and doubt.  This is very encouraging because it means He is growing us into the husband and wife that He wants us to be. 

d.      Daniel wants to stay close to his family in order to receive allergy shots from his mom (a registered nurse) when he needs them. 
My Diabetes and Celiac doctors are also nearby.  This is not to say that we couldn’t move elsewhere and receive the same care; it is just much more convenient for us right now. 

Because of these few reasons I am going to follow, cleave to, and respect him and his leadership in this decision.  After all, we are going to be starting our own family unit and family units have to do what is best for them, which is not always what is best for everyone else.  Because we are different people and a different family, we have a different path.  

And that's okay.  That's part of God's intended purpose: to spread out, multiply, and inhabit the earth.  With His guidance, we're just going to do it a little bit differently.  So fear not for us but pray for us, that God would do His work through us while we are still in Maryland.