My Dexcom is on the way!

Today started out rough - dealing with some introvert fatigue and other minor annoyances.  I missed a call from Dexcom but called them back and left a message.  4 1/2 hours later, they called back.  I am now happy to report that...
I placed my order for a pink Dexcom G4 Platinum!  

 The rep I talked to asked how often I check my blood sugar.  I told him 5-10 times a day and he said I'd only have to test it twice with the Dexcom.  Wow, that is going to help me out even more than I thought!  It will cut down on my test strip needs!  I go through 150 of them in 15-30 days.  Now they'll last me up to 75 days!

I asked him when I would receive my Dexcom in the mail.  He said it should arrive via FedEx on Thursday!  I couldn't believe my ears!  That's just in time for my birthday!  I had been hoping that I would have it by then!  I started crying tears of joy once I got off the phone.  I'm still shaking a little from amazement...how good God is!  

Thursday can't come soon enough!

Starting on the Journey - Diabetes

I had an appointment with my new endocrinologist (diabetes doctor) and nurse practitioner this morning.  After my in-office blood sugar (169 mg/dl) and vitals were taken (turns out I’m 5’ 11 3/4”!) and the nurse went through the standard medical history questions, Carrie, my nurse practitioner, came in and asked about my diabetes care routine.  She then checked my feet, pulse, and lungs/heartbeat.  

After that, she told me about some new medicines that were on the market that some Type 1 Diabetics use to control their blood sugar and asked if I’d ever been on an insulin pump.  I told her I had, several years ago, and that I preferred being “unhooked” from a pump with tubing, especially since my old endocrinologist had told me that being on a pump with my lack of discipline was dangerous for my health (when Dr. Bussey heard this, he said that was a bunch of malarkey).  

I told her about my desperate need for the Dexcom G4 Platinum Continuous Glucose Monitoring System, and she confirmed that it was a good system with the highest accuracy available.  She looked over my blood sugar numbers from the past few weeks (which they had downloaded from my glucometer), asked me some questions about them, and gave me an informational packet about the Dexcom.  She then left the room to get Dr. Bussey, the endo.  

When they both returned, Dr. Bussey made some suggestions for adjusting my insulin doses.  He said since my numbers were still running high that I should increase my overnight basal insulin by 2 units, adjust my insulin-to-carb ratio (changing it from 1 unit per 12 grams to 1 unit per 9 grams), and changing my correction factor from 60 points over 120 to 50 points over 120.

We then discussed my plans for the future regarding children.  I told him we were thinking not for another year or two down the road, especially since my numbers are so high and our finances aren't quite where they need to be.  Dr. Bussey told me that the best A1c during pregnancy is about 5 (but 6 or 7 was okay) and that the most precise way to maintain that much control for a pregnant Type 1 Diabetic would come from being on an insulin pump – however, it was not required.  I’m still undecided on the matter.  I know I at least want a Dexcom.    

My current A1c is 11% (average blood sugar of 269) – so I balked a little.  A chart on the wall across from me said that an A1c of 7% equates to an average blood sugar of 154.  6% = 126.  The lowest I remember my A1c ever being is about 9 (212 mg/dl)…5, 6, and 7 all seem so hard (nay, impossible) to achieve!  However, he assured me that getting my A1c down that low IS possible and they are going to keep me accountable as I work to get my numbers down, down, down.  They told me they wanted me to come back in 2 weeks to go over carb counting (although they are sure I know what to do) and insulin pump therapy information.  I’ll then come back at the end of August for fasting labs.

Before I left, they had me do some lab work for them (a quick and painless blood draw).  I left feeling encouraged but also a little daunted.  I know I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I hope that having a team of people who are committed to seeing me improve my health will give me the motivation I need to succeed.  Obviously the core determination has to come from my desire to prepare the best I can for the future.  I know that with God’s help, all things are possible – even the things that seem impossible.                                  

Wrestling with Questions and An Abusive Theology

Wrestling with Questions

What’s the difference between being discontent and desiring a change of scenery?

What’s the difference between being discontent and desiring to raise a family in a better place than you were raised?

Where do you draw the line between being unhappy with where you are and wanting something simpler, something freeing, something different, something fresh, something better for your future?

Where do you go for the answer?  

Do you look inside yourself?  

Do you look to other people and follow their example?  

Do you read a book, pour through Scripture for the magic verse that answers your soul’s conundrum?  

How do you differentiate your desires from God’s desires from others’ desires?

An Abusive Theology

I recently read a blog post by Rachel Held Evans about what some would consider an abusive theology, taught by John Piper.  That abusive theology is this: You are doing better than you deserve.  Or:  Being abused is better than you deserve. 

I was once told this phrase by someone I respect and, at the time, it made me feel better because there is some level of truth to it.  As sinners, we all deserve to burn in Hell, to be eternally damned, and to be separated from God’s Holy Presence forever.  And all these things are worse than Earthly abuse. 

BUT:  This phrase, this theology, does nothing to help the abuse victim heal.  It leaves them in a broken state with no hope for repair or recovery.  It tells them that they are lucky to have only been abused – and that is how they continue to see themselves for years afterward! 

The problem with this is that:

Abuse of any kind is NEVER okay. 
Abuse goes against the very nature of God.  God abhors abuse!

To leave an abuse victim in the mental clutches of their past abuse experiences is to sentence them to a lifetime of torment, angst, and false identity.  They continue to see themselves as a victim rather than as a valuable human being.  They cling to the thought that being a victim is their only lot in life – that they should be grateful they didn’t suffer something worse.  They wrestle with fears of being targeted again, with trusting people again, with feeling like they are only good for being an object, with feeling worthless and degraded.  

I know because I’ve been there. 

I’m going to come out and say it now:  I have been abused.  I have been abused and I am still dealing with the negative effects from that experience years later.  I’m not talking about spiritual or mental abuse, either.  I mean physical and sexual abuse.

I was touched and physically restrained, while also being emotionally manipulated, by a boy who claimed to be a Christian.  The experience scared me so much that I told my then guy-friend, now-husband, about it and he stepped in to defend me against any possible future attacks.  Thankfully, there were none, but the negative effects did not disappear.  

Right after it happened, I became immensely afraid of my abuser.  I did not want to have any contact with or see him again.
I questioned my worth. 

I struggled to trust people, especially men. 

I felt like an object.  

I felt dehumanized and violated.  

And I still have nightmares about being targeted again.    

These hurts, these feelings, are not going to go away just by believing that being abused was better than I deserved, that I’m lucky to have only been abused.  In fact, it makes me angry that this theology serves to brush abuse victims aside and tell them that they should essentially “be grateful” for being abused.   

Physical, sexual, mental, and emotional abuse are things that I do not wish on anyone at any time.  And you know what?  Neither does God.

God does not show His love for us by making us suffer on Earth.  He showed His love for us by sending His Son to suffer on Earth for us.  All the suffering and abuse in this world is caused by sin, which we chose to bring to Earth when we turned our back on God and decided to live our lives our way.  But He sent His Innocent, Perfect Son to suffer the punishment and death we deserved so that we could be adopted by Him as His beloved children.  Not His abused children, His beloved children.      

What is your take on this abusive theology?  If you have been abused, what steps have you taken to heal?   

Writing to Heal - Mentally

“I lie inside myself for hours and watch my purple sky fly over me.”  Imaginary, Evanescence

This line describes me to a T.  

What’s something you’re good at?

As an introvert, I’m good at self-reflection, or introspection.  I spend a lot of time thinking: thinking about things I’ve said, or should’ve said; things others have said, or shouldn’t have said; things that happened, or shouldn’t have happened.  I think about motives, words unspoken, and cryptic messages.  When I was younger, there were plenty of opportunities to do so, and I jumped on them.  My weak, untrained, naïve mind couldn’t grasp the consequences, however, and I caused myself a lot of grief by dwelling too much on the negatives.  I internalized so much and took things personally when I shouldn’t have.  As a result, I beat myself up for no good reason.  

1. Lack of self-esteem and self-worth caused me to feel judged by others and withdraw inside myself.

I’m not sure when this started but sometime after I turned 10 my self-esteem started to plummet.  Perhaps it was due to the various friendships I had that were going in different directions when I entered middle school and junior high.  Friends I had grown up with were pursuing other friends and leaving me behind, even though I thought we’d be friends forever.  I can see now that that only happens in rare instances and fairy tales.  At any rate, I began to feel like I wasn’t good enough for them and, subsequently, judged as some sort of weirdo because I didn’t like the same things they did.  I pulled away from them, uninterested in spending time with people who didn’t know me anymore or didn’t want to keep spending time with me.  Then there were my new friends, who soon became at odds with my old friends.  I felt torn between my two groups but couldn’t choose one group over the other.  I only disclosed certain things to certain friends, and even then there were times I would lie because I feared their rejection or judgments if they really knew the truth.  As I feared rejection more and more, I slowly isolated myself and set up defensive barriers that kept others from getting too close to my thoughts.  But I ended up defending the wrong thoughts.

2. Spiritual attacks weakened my mind

The good thing is that I know my brain is working.  The bad thing is that it usually works too much and in the wrong direction.  See, I’m not very good at arguing or debating, so when I am confronted with a fact that is logical but inherently wrong, I struggle to fight against it.  For example, when I was faced with one of Satan’s lies (“You’re worthless”), my mind considered the “facts” (I was a financial burden, I’d never be good enough, the pain and frustration wasn’t worth it, etc) and dwelt on them until they were planted so deeply in my heart that they took root and choked out any gospel truth that might’ve been there.  With no biblical foundation, I fell.  I fell far, probably to about as rock bottom as I could go, before the light of the truth reached me.  But I was so good at not fighting back, at not seeking out hope, that eventually my mind trained itself to fall into the rut of accepting the false facts as truth and live in the secrecy of the darkness.  And no one suspected anything because I didn’t trust anyone enough to admit it.  My unobtrusiveness and reclusiveness held me back in my dark corner of the world.  

And I liked it.  I lived for me, my desires, my solitude, my privacy.  No one needed to see me for who I truly was.  And why would they want to?  I was bitter, angry, and self-loathing.  Who wants to spend time with someone like that?

3. Repressed guilt ate away at me

Like I said before, I felt like a financial burden on my family.  I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes when I was 8, and besides the fact that all the health care changes were most unwelcome, the cost of my health care skyrocketed.  My medical supplies were numerous and expensive, and my family was struggling to make ends meet.  Dad’s work was unpredictable and we lived paycheck to paycheck.  I hated feeling like I was adding an extra expense to their already overwhelming list of expenses.  Those guilty feelings soon turned to anger, despair, and suicidal thoughts.  After all, if ending my pain and misery ended their financial burden, and if I would never be good enough at taking care of myself, why shouldn’t I?

4. I defended angry, hateful, depressive, and suicidal thoughts

The wall of secrecy I built in my mind harbored the very thoughts I should have been fighting against.  

• Anger toward God for giving me diabetes
• Hate for the disease that fueled my depression and pulled me into thoughts of suicide.  

I hated life and hated to think about living in the chains of diabetes for the rest of my life.  How could a loving God sentence me to such a miserable existence?  I couldn’t fathom His plan because my mind was focused on the pity party it was throwing, and hey, it was a party of which I was the focus!  Sometimes it felt like I was the only one who cared about how I felt, and I can see now that that’s because I didn’t let, want, or trust anyone else to know what was going on...not even God.  You can probably see how my self-deception led me to believe no one else cared, and so then why should I keep living?  A burden no one cares for is worthless, and they’d be better off without me.

My mind deteriorated.  I fought with myself on a daily, moment-by-moment basis.  Live or die?  

I was a coward (thanks to God) who couldn’t imagine the pain I’d inflict on my family, who, although they didn’t know me, instilled a sense of loyalty and devotion in me.  It was too much to ignore.  I held on through high school, and God met me shortly after.

I’m grateful beyond words that God met me.  He reached down, personally (through a dream), to tell me that He did care and that if I wanted to follow Him (like He could see me pretending to do) I had to turn my life around – or rather, trust Him to do it.  I wasn’t alone.  He’d been with me all along, and I believe He let me reach my lowest point so I could see clearly how much I needed Him to save me.

My defenses have been lowered.  They fell when I confessed my sin and need for His salvation.  I’ve been working to build up new defenses – walls that protect the truth of God’s love for me and the purpose He has for my life.  My worth is measured in the price Christ paid on the cross.  He was rejected and alone so I would never have to be.  He carried all of my burdens to the cross and left them there.  I am no burden.  I am a beloved daughter of God.  

And while I’m still fighting against Satan’s lies, I’m learning that I’m not fighting alone.  For every lie there is an absolute truth that cannot be changed, and there is a loving God who worked through my trials to bring me to salvation.  What’s more, He is still working in me and will continue to do so until His purpose for me has been fulfilled.  He’s doing the same for you, in your life, whether you can see it or not.  His fingerprints are all over every inch of creation.  

That’s the God I serve.  Don't make the same mistake I made.  Don't let your anger shut Him out.  Humble your heart.  He knows everything about you.  You can't hide anything from Him.  Let Him carry your burdens.  Let Him hold the position He truly is in Your life: Lord.  Let Him heal the hurts and the scars you still carry in your heart.  He's the only one who can, and He's waiting for you to run into His open, loving arms.  

“Lord, please help me to remember that You are my loving, personal God and Father.  Help me face and conquer the fears I am still facing, the fears that still dwell in my scarred mind.  Some scars run deep and I cannot heal them alone.  Give me strength to trust You in all things so that I can heal and continue to live my life fully for you.  In Your name I pray, Amen.”

True Love - How I Knew He Was The One

I love being able to answer people when they ask me, “How did you know he was the one?”  There’s something magical, almost surreal, about the feeling I get when I think back…

5 years ago, I still had no idea who he was – who my “True Love” was – or when I would meet him.  Turns out I didn’t have to go looking or even wait long (God moved him into my care group right after I joined it myself). 

As our friendship grew, so did my desire to be his helper.  That was something new for me.  Never had I ever held that desire; I knew that those feelings had not originated with me and immediately realized there was Someone else at work.  I asked God to strengthen my love for and desire to help Daniel if His will was for us to be together.  Little by little, day by day, joy by joy, trial by trial, His answer was growing clearer.

If you don’t know Daniel, you should get to know him.  I have been nothing but blessed since I became his friend (best friend/girlfriend/betrothed/wife in 20 days).  Daniel understands me better than anyone.  He is introverted like me so he understands my need for personal “recharging” time.  He is not critical of me and he does not demand my attention; he values my input and seeks it out, even if it means waiting patiently for me to find my voice; he’s sensitive and considerate of my needs and desires; he prays over & for me when I tell him I need it, and also when I don't; he reassures me when I doubt and reminds me of God’s truth when I forget it; he’s the most comforting shoulder to cry on, and the safest arms to hide in; he shares my burdens, fights off my fears, and bandages my hurts; he checks on my diabetes care; he vows to always love me and stand by me, to cherish & honor me, to protect me with his dying breath.  He’s the most genuine, sincere, loyal, affectionate, and determined young man I know. 

I say loyal & determined because I’ve walked alongside Daniel through a variety of trials – particularly financial difficulties – and though job after job fell through, and giving up seemed to ever loom on the horizon, we pushed through together and Daniel never gave me the impression that staying with me wasn’t worth it.  Rather, he expressed the exact opposite.  I was (and still am) his motivation.  If I wasn’t in the picture, chasing a career or job wouldn’t be on his radar; he’d continue to live at home and not rush forward into making something of his career life.    

Anyway, last winter, before Christmas of 2011, the weight of the job losses and the length of time it was taking for us to move forward into marriage pushed me into a dark depression – probably the darkest since high school.  I felt myself giving into fear and doubt about whether we were ever going to be together.  Satan took that moment of weakness to slowly feed me lies. 

“Give up; marry someone richer.” 

He was so deceitful that, at times, it felt like I was arguing with myself. 

“No, I couldn’t do that to him.” 

“He’s never going to get anywhere.”

“Why should I leave him?”

“He’ll never find a job.  He’ll never be able to support you…you’re too much of a financial burden.”

I cringed.  Truthfully, I’ve always felt like a financial burden, even in spite of Daniel’s reassurances that I’m not one.  Satan pounded away until, all at once, another voice broke through. 

A whisper. 

The lies were literally silenced.

A gentle, firm answer resounded in my soul. 

“Satan does not want you together because I DO.”

I paused, letting those words rush over me. 

The basic truth that what God loves, Satan hates flooded into my mind and it all made sense.  Of course Satan didn’t want us together!  He didn’t want us to fulfill what God had planned for us!  And God wanted us together!

What relief!  Confidence and peace filled my soul!  The lies were gone; Satan’s plot was foiled.  He slunk away with his forked tail between his legs.  His lies were nothing to fear after hearing and understanding even that one little part of God’s plan.  I was so amazed that He would make His purpose so clear – and (during that mental bout) I hadn’t even asked Him to do that!  How good and kind of God to speak so clearly and comfort my troubled soul in that moment of need!

That one whisper has changed my life.  I know for certain that moving forward in life as Daniel's wife is what God has planned for me, that marriage is what God has planned for us, and that it is a good plan because it is God's plan...it's not Rachel's plan, or Daniel's plan, but God's.  It has been from before there was time and God deserves all the praise for bringing us together.  

I might also add that my financial fears no longer plague me.  Daniel’s job will be provided when and where God best sees fit.  My job will be provided the same way – and in fact, God has graciously given me one and allowed me to hold another small job on the side.  I have faith for our future provisions because God will always do what is best for us. 

A bad economy won’t stop Him. 

A corrupt government won’t stop Him. 

Satan won’t stop Him.       

And in 20 days I will be 

                                        Mrs. Daniel Payne.

Our Home – Why we’re still in Maryland

I wanted to address this matter because I know my family strongly desires to see Daniel & I make our home in another state; however, we strongly believe that God has a different plan and purpose for us.

a.        God’s plan for us is to stay in Maryland.  Why? 
He has provided affordable living arrangements for us, good connections, networks, and friends who are encouraging and walking with us every step of the way, and a good new job for me (babysitting 4 children for a single mother, whom I met through my recent involvement in the Pro-Life ministry at church.  This job is a blessing because it came when my work hours were very few and this mother's need was very great.  I love being able to serve her and her children in this way and I hope to provide child-care for her as long as God would have me do so because I feel it is His plan for me to share His love with the people around me in Maryland - and isn't THAT what it's all about?).  We feel very connected in our ministries in church and our service is very much appreciated; on top of that, we are meeting new people and our existing friendships are growing.  He & I have very few friends apart from the ones in church, particularly friends with whom we are very close, and we feel the best way to grow those relationships is to walk beside our brothers and sisters on a daily basis here in Maryland.      

b.       We don’t feel led to leave Maryland yet, and we’re not just going to “jump ship” without God’s leading.  Our life path is different than everyone else’s; what He has planned for one family is not what He has planned for another family.  I considered moving to NC with my family this past summer, but God quickly made it clear that that was not what He intended for me to do.  Looking back now I can see that, had I moved, Daniel would've suffered terribly on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level.  We went through some difficult trials together, pertaining in particular with his jobs.  That being said, I cannot nor do I want to imagine how much harder it would've been if we had been separated.  With no promise of employment elsewhere we feel that, in this season, God would have us stay in Maryland.  In another season, He may have us move but right now we can’t see the future or what it holds for us. 

c.       Our God is bigger than the economy and the tyranny of the government. 
God has been faithful to prove His trustworthiness in the face of our great financial difficulties and I believe that, if it is God’s will for us to stay here, He will continue to bless us and provide for our every need.  I have seen Him provide me breakfast when I had nothing of my own to eat, and finances for car repairs, groceries, and medical supplies when I was short on money.  Honestly, the biggest issue should not be the money.  I’m not trying to downplay the severity of our state’s situation.  Maryland is a broken state, just like all the others.  Our country is a broken country, just like all the others.  But our God is bigger, more powerful, and more loving than our government.  If He were to send us to the poorest, sickest, most hostile place in the world, we would go.  His plans for us are for our good…He has nothing but our best interest in mind and we can go wherever He sends us with confidence because He is always with us.  That being said, we are very blessed to be where we are, surrounded by the people who care for and love us most, as we start this new season in our lives.  I would also like to say that I have felt my faith strengthen in these trying times and, through the faith-building I’ve received, I believe that God has used me to encourage Daniel in his own times of anxiety and doubt.  This is very encouraging because it means He is growing us into the husband and wife that He wants us to be. 

d.      Daniel wants to stay close to his family in order to receive allergy shots from his mom (a registered nurse) when he needs them. 
My Diabetes and Celiac doctors are also nearby.  This is not to say that we couldn’t move elsewhere and receive the same care; it is just much more convenient for us right now. 

Because of these few reasons I am going to follow, cleave to, and respect him and his leadership in this decision.  After all, we are going to be starting our own family unit and family units have to do what is best for them, which is not always what is best for everyone else.  Because we are different people and a different family, we have a different path.  

And that's okay.  That's part of God's intended purpose: to spread out, multiply, and inhabit the earth.  With His guidance, we're just going to do it a little bit differently.  So fear not for us but pray for us, that God would do His work through us while we are still in Maryland.    

To Fear or Not To Fear?

 I know I've already done a post about fear, but I just couldn't resist covering this topic in a slightly different way.   

   

In the midst of all this economic and financial trouble, it is very easy to obey messages such as this, found on the cover of The Economist's October 1, 2011 issue.  In fact, many of us don't need any help from the media when it comes to being fearful because we're already afraid.   Let's face it.  Black holes are scary because they are "unknown" and dangerous to us, which is much how we view the future.  If we don't know that the future holds financial improvement or security, we begin to worry and fear.  When our minds are constantly focused on one thing (like the future), we "make much of" it.  In other words, we worship it.    

        

I think it's important to remember that, while our economic situation is possibly one of the worst our country has seen since its birth, God is keenly aware of every black hole into which our poor planet is seemingly being pulled.  But it gets better.  Not only is God aware of those black holes, He is in control of them - He holds them in the palm of His hand.     

Nothing we do will loosen His hold on the universe or our lives. 
I've heard it said, "What you fear you worship." 
Do you fear the future? 
Or do you fear God? 
Do you fear the black hole? 
Or do you fear the One who created and holds the black hole in His hand?     

When I Am Afraid

"When I am afraid, 

I put my trust in You.

In God, whose Word I praise,

In God I trust; I shall not be afraid.

What can flesh do to me?

You have kept count of my tossings [wanderings];

put my tears in a bottle.  

Are they not in Your book?"

Psalm 56:3-4, 8

I remember, when I was little, singing a song based on this verse.

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you, I will trust in you, I will trust in you.  When I am afraid, I will trust in you, In God whose Word I praise."  Back then, I never thought I'd have such paralyzing fears.  Maybe little ones, like spiders and the dark and getting a spanking, but not ones that would inhibit my spiritual growth.   

Through high school, and even more recently, verse 8 has come to mean more to me than I ever thought it would.  Meditating on it, I began to gleam the message between the lines.  God knows all the struggles I've been through.  He knows all the tears I've shed...ever.  Not only that, but He has collected them, stored away and recorded.  He loves me so much that not a single tear has slipped past Him.  He's been there, beside me, catching them off my cheek and dropping them into the bottle with every last one I've ever cried.  He knows how many there are, which ones were cried for which occasion, and how many more I've yet to cry.  All because of love.        

All through August, I began to realize that I was struggling with several big fears - fears that were crippling my relationship with God and others and making it difficult for me to sleep and have joy.  I didn't feel close to God.  I desired to be near Him, but I didn't know what to do.  

At the beginning of September, my care group leader sent out an email about a fear study that was being hosted by a few of the ladies in my church.  I immediately signed up for the class and - I have to say - it was the best decision I could've made.

We went through "When I Am Afraid" by Edward T. Welch, kept personal fear journals, meditated on relevant scriptures, completed the 3 Trees for our different fears and met each week to encourage and hear from one another.

The fears I recognized in myself:

Fear of Man

Fear of Financial Ruin

I'm sure I've lived with both fears for pretty much all of my life.  I've always been shy, quiet, and reserved.  I'm an introvert.  I spend a lot of time self-analyzing, thinking and dwelling on whatever I deem important, whether it's positive or negative.  I've almost always felt self-conscious, unsure of myself, timid and afraid of ridicule and rejection when faced with voicing my opinions.   

As for fear of financial ruin, my family has never been rich, never made much money.  They even had to declare bankruptcy at one point.  Being on my own now, I am keenly aware of how much money everything costs and how much money I don't have.  Although I don't buy a lot of luxuries (really, I only get the bare necessities), I still find myself cringing at the cost of living in this area.  I have become a penny pincher, to some degree.  "Every penny counts," they say.  After all, 1 cent is the difference between $0.99 and $1.00.

But God.
It's so amazing that I can see how His hand was orchestrating all of this - and even what's happening now, after the class is over.  

• That I would realize I was fearful and desired to fight my fears but didn't know how.
•  That the fear study was organized and held when I needed it.
• That my care group leader alerted me to the class.
• That I learned to identify and combat the fears I faced with Scripture.
• That I made new friends, who encouraged me to continue with my writing, and that a few of my poems from high school touched and blessed the group (years after they'd been written, no less) by speaking to the problems we all had.
• That I stepped out of my comfort zone and read my poems out loud, despite my nervousness (and there was no ridicule, only praise and encouragement).

He opened my eyes to the false prophecies I’d been telling myself, the control I’d been giving other people over my life, the unfailing promises of good and prosperity He has made to me, and the lack of trust I’d been giving Him in return.  That lack of trust stemmed from a lack of love. 

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."

1 John 4:18 

No wonder I didn't feel close to Him.  I was fearful, and the opposite of love is fear.  I wasn't loving Him, so I wasn't trusting Him.  After all, when you love someone, you trust them, don't you?  You trust them with your hopes and dreams, your affections and emotions, your secrets and desires.  You trust that they'll trust you in return.  

I was living like an orphan, believing it was all up to me to fight my fears.  

But God.  

My Father was right there, holding my hand, waiting for me to let Him fight them for me.

"God is our refuge and strength, 

a very present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, 

though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, 

though its waters roar and foam, 

though the mountains tremble at its swelling." 
Psalm 46:1-3