Writing to Heal - Spiritually

I’ve always been a writer.  Ever since I was little, words have fascinated me.  And it’s not by chance, or by accident, that my mind is wired to creatively express itself through the use of written language.  I can’t thank God enough for this gift, this talent, He’s given me.  I think it has literally saved my life. 

I love words and I love writing.  Writing has been my pain reliever.  My journal has always been my best friend.  When hard times overwhelmed me, pen and paper comforted me.  They gave me someone to talk to, someone to confide in.  Someone who wouldn’t judge me but would listen willingly and allow me to pour out my soul with no inhibition.  I felt safe in the confines of the pages.  Books transported me to other worlds where I could focus on other people who were facing problems other than my own.  Problems I sometimes wished were my own.  But writing now allows me to see that problems in my own story are worth facing and sharing, too.  It’s in the process of sharing them that I’m healing.

I can’t number the times I’ve been hurt (who can?) but several times were enough to leave lasting scars – scars that haven’t seen the light of day yet.  They’ve been allowed to sit and fester; to linger and haunt me; to affect my life years beyond what’s good for me.  But I don’t want them anymore.  They’re about to be cast out of the dark shadows of my soul and, through writing, I’m going to heal.

Just like every sinner alive, I’ve been hurt in every way you can imagine.  I’m not going to sugarcoat anything for you.  This is real life, and there are real people out there struggling with the same things.  They need to know, like I wish I’d known, that they are not alone.  They are not unloved.  They are not worthless.  They are not an accident.  Their struggles are not in vain.  Their problems are not without a purpose.  This post will focus on the first category.  

1.  I’ve been hurt spiritually
-Poor spiritual foundation due to a lack of sound doctrine teaching in my old church.  I truly believe that had there been a stronger focus on teaching sound doctrine to the congregation, my spiritual life would not have been as neglected as it was.  As it happened, I did not receive a formal or thorough spiritual education until after I graduated from high school.  As you will see later, this delay had a detrimental impact on my spiritual, mental, and physical well-being.

-Lack of encouragement to pursue Christ as my own.  He was always my parents’ Savior, but never mine.  I was told He was a personal God, but I had no comprehension of what that meant or looked like, so I settled into the motions of pretending to be a Christian.  I wore a mask and lived a double life: the happy, Christian mask covered the face of a lost sinner ensnared in her own sin.   

-Too much emphasis on my own works and behavior for God’s favor in my life.  It was always up to me to look in the mirror, see what was wrong, and fix it.  God was just there to forgive me; to put a spiritual Band-aid on my sin.  But I needed MORE than that.  I needed a new heart…a new LIFE.  I was dead, living in perpetual sin, believing it was all up to me to live the life God wanted me to live.  But I couldn’t live that life because I was a walking dead man, alienated from the will of God.

-Lack of knowledge of God’s true character led to vulnerability, especially to lies.  Because I did not know who God truly was, or what He was truly like, it was very easy for Satan to, in the midst of my suffering, fill my head with lies about God’s nature.  I did not really know how loving, faithful, patience, gracious, and merciful God was, so Satan's deception led me to believe that He was impersonal, far away, uncaring, angry, and uninterested in my worthless little soul.  My heart was entangled in a web that could only be dispelled by the light of the Word, which did not reach me until after high school.

Through my love for creative writing, I have taken on the task of incorporating bits and pieces of my personal life into my stories.  I hope that these stories, and the characters within them, can reach out and touch the readers in a real way, right where they are.  Time and time again, I have witnessed the power of God at work in the smallest of ways, which amazingly enough, are the most personal of ways.  It is the reminder of those personal touches, as I like to think of them, that the God who made me, saved me, and loves me, is the God who delights in reaching out and touching me right where I am.  It is through those touches that I have started on the path to healing spiritually and I have faith to bring the rest of these scars to the surface.   

True Love - How I Knew He Was The One

I love being able to answer people when they ask me, “How did you know he was the one?”  There’s something magical, almost surreal, about the feeling I get when I think back…

5 years ago, I still had no idea who he was – who my “True Love” was – or when I would meet him.  Turns out I didn’t have to go looking or even wait long (God moved him into my care group right after I joined it myself). 

As our friendship grew, so did my desire to be his helper.  That was something new for me.  Never had I ever held that desire; I knew that those feelings had not originated with me and immediately realized there was Someone else at work.  I asked God to strengthen my love for and desire to help Daniel if His will was for us to be together.  Little by little, day by day, joy by joy, trial by trial, His answer was growing clearer.

If you don’t know Daniel, you should get to know him.  I have been nothing but blessed since I became his friend (best friend/girlfriend/betrothed/wife in 20 days).  Daniel understands me better than anyone.  He is introverted like me so he understands my need for personal “recharging” time.  He is not critical of me and he does not demand my attention; he values my input and seeks it out, even if it means waiting patiently for me to find my voice; he’s sensitive and considerate of my needs and desires; he prays over & for me when I tell him I need it, and also when I don't; he reassures me when I doubt and reminds me of God’s truth when I forget it; he’s the most comforting shoulder to cry on, and the safest arms to hide in; he shares my burdens, fights off my fears, and bandages my hurts; he checks on my diabetes care; he vows to always love me and stand by me, to cherish & honor me, to protect me with his dying breath.  He’s the most genuine, sincere, loyal, affectionate, and determined young man I know. 

I say loyal & determined because I’ve walked alongside Daniel through a variety of trials – particularly financial difficulties – and though job after job fell through, and giving up seemed to ever loom on the horizon, we pushed through together and Daniel never gave me the impression that staying with me wasn’t worth it.  Rather, he expressed the exact opposite.  I was (and still am) his motivation.  If I wasn’t in the picture, chasing a career or job wouldn’t be on his radar; he’d continue to live at home and not rush forward into making something of his career life.    

Anyway, last winter, before Christmas of 2011, the weight of the job losses and the length of time it was taking for us to move forward into marriage pushed me into a dark depression – probably the darkest since high school.  I felt myself giving into fear and doubt about whether we were ever going to be together.  Satan took that moment of weakness to slowly feed me lies. 

“Give up; marry someone richer.” 

He was so deceitful that, at times, it felt like I was arguing with myself. 

“No, I couldn’t do that to him.” 

“He’s never going to get anywhere.”

“Why should I leave him?”

“He’ll never find a job.  He’ll never be able to support you…you’re too much of a financial burden.”

I cringed.  Truthfully, I’ve always felt like a financial burden, even in spite of Daniel’s reassurances that I’m not one.  Satan pounded away until, all at once, another voice broke through. 

A whisper. 

The lies were literally silenced.

A gentle, firm answer resounded in my soul. 

“Satan does not want you together because I DO.”

I paused, letting those words rush over me. 

The basic truth that what God loves, Satan hates flooded into my mind and it all made sense.  Of course Satan didn’t want us together!  He didn’t want us to fulfill what God had planned for us!  And God wanted us together!

What relief!  Confidence and peace filled my soul!  The lies were gone; Satan’s plot was foiled.  He slunk away with his forked tail between his legs.  His lies were nothing to fear after hearing and understanding even that one little part of God’s plan.  I was so amazed that He would make His purpose so clear – and (during that mental bout) I hadn’t even asked Him to do that!  How good and kind of God to speak so clearly and comfort my troubled soul in that moment of need!

That one whisper has changed my life.  I know for certain that moving forward in life as Daniel's wife is what God has planned for me, that marriage is what God has planned for us, and that it is a good plan because it is God's plan...it's not Rachel's plan, or Daniel's plan, but God's.  It has been from before there was time and God deserves all the praise for bringing us together.  

I might also add that my financial fears no longer plague me.  Daniel’s job will be provided when and where God best sees fit.  My job will be provided the same way – and in fact, God has graciously given me one and allowed me to hold another small job on the side.  I have faith for our future provisions because God will always do what is best for us. 

A bad economy won’t stop Him. 

A corrupt government won’t stop Him. 

Satan won’t stop Him.       

And in 20 days I will be 

                                        Mrs. Daniel Payne.