I’ve Changed My Mind

Some recent developments have filled me with a desire to re-visit my previous post from February, as seen below.

Our Home – Why we’re still in Maryland
I wanted to address this matter because I know my family strongly desires to see Daniel & I make our home in another state; however, we strongly believe that God has a different plan and purpose for us.

Boy, have times changed.  And it’s only been 7 months!  Almost 6 months of marriage, and I have spent approximately 5 of them having my eyes opened to the reality of our situation.  Man, was I ever blind!  It has not been an easy process…in fact, it has been quite painful…but I am confident that God intends it for our good.  I no longer believe that God wants us to stay in Maryland.  I believe that He wants us to do what is wise and practical.

God’s plan for us is to stay in Maryland.  Why? 
He has provided affordable living arrangements for us, good connections, networks, and friends who are encouraging and walking with us every step of the way, and a good new job for me (babysitting 4 children for a single mother, whom I met through my recent involvement in the Pro-Life ministry at church.  This job is a blessing because it came when my work hours were very few and this mother's need was very great.  I love being able to serve her and her children in this way and I hope to provide child-care for her as long as God would have me do so because I feel it is His plan for me to share His love with the people around me in Maryland - and isn't THAT what it's all about?).  We feel very connected in our ministries in church and our service is very much appreciated; on top of that, we are meeting new people and our existing friendships are growing.  He & I have very few friends apart from the ones in church, particularly friends with whom we are very close, and we feel the best way to grow those relationships is to walk beside our brothers and sisters on a daily basis here in Maryland.

I have watched in the past 5 months as everything I had was stripped away.  My connections, networks, friends, and church have crumbled beneath my feet.  I am no longer babysitting for the single mother.  My bouts with the county over the money they owed me for my childcare services lasted way longer than I could have ever anticipated and I have no intention of ever dealing with them again.  I am no longer a member of Covenant Life Church.  My spiritual scars from the past were re-opened and new ones were being formed right on top of them.  Removing myself from the pain was the only way to begin the healing process. 
     
We don’t feel led to leave Maryland yet, and we’re not just going to “jump ship” without God’s leading.  Our life path is different than everyone else’s; what He has planned for one family is not what He has planned for another family.  I considered moving to NC with my family this past summer, but God quickly made it clear that that was not what He intended for me to do.  Looking back now I can see that, had I moved, Daniel would've suffered terribly on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level.  We went through some difficult trials together, pertaining in particular with his jobs.  That being said, I cannot nor do I want to imagine how much harder it would've been if we had been separated.  With no promise of employment elsewhere we feel that, in this season, God would have us stay in Maryland.  In another season, He may have us move but right now we can’t see the future or what it holds for us.

I cannot express how strongly I now feel led to leave Maryland.  I should have moved to NC/TN with my family last year.  The distress, longing, and burdens I feel within me have physically lifted every time we’ve gone down to visit my family this summer.  I have learned that employment elsewhere cannot be attained UNLESS you are elsewhere.  Very rarely are people able to get a job unless they are in that location.  And to be honest, we’ve tried to make it here, and it’s just not happening.  How could we have been so naïve to think that we, the poorest couple, could make it in one of the richest counties?  Our expenses are too high and the cost of living here is too high for our small little income.  We need to be in Tennessee, where it is cheaper and where we can make our money go farther.
Our God is bigger than the economy and the tyranny of the government. 
God has been faithful to prove His trustworthiness in the face of our great financial difficulties and I believe that, if it is God’s will for us to stay here, He will continue to bless us and provide for our every need.  I have seen Him provide me breakfast when I had nothing of my own to eat, and finances for car repairs, groceries, and medical supplies when I was short on money.  Honestly, the biggest issue should not be the money.  I’m not trying to downplay the severity of our state’s situation.  Maryland is a broken state, just like all the others.  Our country is a broken country, just like all the others.  But our God is bigger, more powerful, and more loving than our government.  If He were to send us to the poorest, sickest, most hostile place in the world, we would go.  His plans for us are for our good…He has nothing but our best interest in mind and we can go wherever He sends us with confidence because He is always with us.  That being said, we are very blessed to be where we are, surrounded by the people who care for and love us most, as we start this new season in our lives.  I would also like to say that I have felt my faith strengthen in these trying times and, through the faith-building I’ve received, I believe that God has used me to encourage Daniel in his own times of anxiety and doubt.  This is very encouraging because it means He is growing us into the husband and wife that He wants us to be.

While God is bigger than the economy, that does not mean He wants us to sit around where we are struggling to survive and wait for Him to drop a job in our lap.  As I said in my last post about stewardship, He gives us resources and trusts that we will use them wisely.  If we squander them, that’s our fault.  That’s why I believe that staying here is not a wise use of our money – what little we have to our names right now.  Staying in an expensive county with very little money and no good prospects of making enough to live on month-to-month is not putting faith in God to provide.  It is foolhardy and reckless.  I feel especially threatened when it comes to my health.  I am absolutely dependent on health insurance coverage for my doctor visits and prescription medications.  Without health insurance, my medicines would cost thousands of dollars and my doctor visits would cost hundreds.  We simply do not have the money to pay for all of those things out of pocket, and the price of my health insurance plan here has almost doubled.  It would be absolutely reckless to continue living where the cost of my health insurance hangs in the balance of our tight budget.  We can’t afford to not have it.  My life depends on it.
Daniel wants to stay close to his family in order to receive allergy shots from his mom (a registered nurse) when he needs them. 
My Diabetes and Celiac doctors are also nearby.  This is not to say that we couldn’t move elsewhere and receive the same care; it is just much more convenient for us right now.

Convenience is overrated.  Seriously.  We’ll find other doctors.

Because of these few reasons I am going to follow, cleave to, and respect him and his leadership in this decision.  After all, we are going to be starting our own family unit and family units have to do what is best for them, which is not always what is best for everyone else.  Because we are different people and a different family, we have a different path.

I will be honest.  We are a divided household.  We have different opinions and points of view.  We both realize that we cannot have it both ways – we cannot live in Maryland AND Tennessee.  One of us is going to have to give.  And I am scared.  I know that Satan is looking for a foothold, any chance he can get to drive a wedge between us (which it seems is already there), so that he can destroy what God has brought together.  I can feel him attacking but I can also sense God’s hand at work, albeit in the background.  I know He’s not going to let us go.  I know He is going to work all things for our good.  But that doesn’t change the fact that it has been difficult to follow Daniel down a path that looks like it ends in financial ruin.  I refuse to let us get to that point.  I have struggled enough in my life to know the pain and heartache of bankruptcy.  That is not what I want for us or for our future children, whenever we may have them.  If we are going to do what is best for our family, we need to be prepared to make decisions – hard decisions – that may or may not involve “hearing from God.”  There are some decisions WE just need to make.  And sometimes, those decisions require us to make a sacrifice for the greater good.  And you know what?  Sacrifices HURT! 
I’d also like to point out that this isn’t a matter of me being discontent with where we are, or submitting and “obeying” my husband because he has the “final say,” because honestly, that’s NOT biblical.  This concept has been nagging at me for a while now and I wanted to make my stance perfectly clear.      

Being Stewards: Making Our Own Decisions

Lately, I've been mulling over the definition of a steward.

Stewardship:  

1. the position and duties of a steward, a person who acts as the surrogate of another or others, especially by managing property, financial affairs, an estate, etc.  

2. the responsible overseeing and protection of something considered worth caring for and preserving (dictionary.reference.com)

The Bible tells us that we are God's stewards.  We steward everything He gives us: clothes, money, food, property, natural resources, animals, plants, children...everything.

I've heard two perspectives on this matter:

1.  Some people believe that we need to seek God and wait for Him to tell us how He would have us steward the possessions He has given us.  

2.  There are other people who believe that we should just choose what we want because it's our stuff and, if there is a God, He doesn't care about our material goods.

I think both views are missing the point.  We shouldn't have to ask God how to steward what He has given us because He's already told us in the Bible.  God wants us to make good decisions with the things that He places into our care.  He wants our decisions to bring about fruitfulness and abundant provisions for us and our families.  Read the Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25:14-30.  The master does not tell the servants what to do with his money.  They decide themselves what to do.  The first 2 men go and trade the money and make double what they are given.  The third man gets scared and hides the money he is given in the ground.  His master calls him wicked and slothful for doing so.

Let me be clear about something:  He entrusts US with the decision making because He *wants* us to choose.  I believe it is very legalistic to tie ourselves to the belief that we HAVE to wait to hear from God on every single decision that comes up in life.  While I think that seeking God's will is important, we cannot hide behind this belief like some kind of life-preserver.  God does not want us to put our lives on hold during a decision making session simply because we have not heard from Him.  He has given us the FREEDOM to decide what to do and how to do things in our lives, and sometimes He's waiting for US to ACT because He plans to reward us for our faith to act (even without exact instructions).  

Another thing we should remember is that He has given us the grace to find freedom in being able to escape the legalistic views.  He is not a legalistic God.  He is an abundantly gracious and merciful God.  He wants us to be free to make our own decisions.  No matter what we choose, He will use our choices for our good.  We need only to believe that if we act as good stewards and recognize that we need to make a certain decision, it would be right and wise to make that decision, even if we don't hear from God about it.  We don't need to hear from God in order to make a decision.  There are going to be decisions in our lives that we will have to make, no matter how much or how little we pray.  Sitting around "waiting" for God when we should be acting is not pleasing to God.  He is not going to come down out of Heaven and tell us everything He wants us to do.  He entrusted us, as stewards, with the ability to think and act on our own accord for the benefit of us and our families.  To neglect that responsibility is shameful and may even be considered sinful, as James says in 4:17:  "So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin."  If you know that a decision is the right thing to do, do not remain captive to the belief that you must hear from God about it.  Do what is right in the eyes of the Lord: make the decision yourself. 

Self-publishing My First Volume of Poetry

I just posted about my BIG reveal over on WordPress.  Go check it out; that's where you can keep updated on my progress and giveaways!

http://gentleandquietlamb.wordpress.com/2013/08/22/the-darkest-years-volume-1/

Sometimes Life Is Like Headphones

“Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls.” Psalm 42:7

Sometimes I just need to escape.

Sometimes I just need a break.  

Sometimes I just need to stop and be still.  

Sometimes should happen more often.

Life is too busy.  

Life is too stressful.  

Life is too demanding.

Life is too much.

Is your schedule packed?

Is your social life non-existent?

Is your spiritual walk suffering?

Is that any way to treat God?

Like to do your own thing?

Like to be selfish with your time?

Like to drown out the world?

Like to lay around?

Headphones isolate you.

Headphones drown out your surroundings.

Headphones distract you from what's really important. 

Headphones keep you from hearing God.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

I get mysterious bruises all the time.  I’m a clumsy person.  I run into walls, chairs, tables, counters…if it’s in my path, you name it, I hit it.  Sometimes I’m walking too fast to care.  Or I turn around and BAM it’s right there.  Hiking can be treacherous.  I trip on tree roots, rocks, logs.  I have horrible balance, too.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked,

“Where did that come from?” 

“How did I get that?”

Have you ever gotten a bruise or cut you didn’t know you had because you didn’t feel it when you got it?  Maybe you felt it but you chose to ignore it.  Then later you realized it was there because something else made you look down and notice it.

That’s what I’m going through right now, on an emotional/spiritual level.

I don’t expect you to understand.  I just know I’m here, confused, hurt, and distrustful. 

Why?  Because I’ve realized something: I am not ashamed. 

This time, the mysterious cuts and bruises were not caused by anything I did.  They were caused by so-called spiritual leaders who thought they were doing the right thing but in fact were just covering up the truth with lies and deception to protect their “holy” appearance before their congregation. 

I was smeared with dirt and spit on.

I was refused help and forced out.

I was betrayed and isolated, left for dead.

I was shown no mercy, no love. 

That’s right, Cedar Brook.  I mean you.

Now with the whole lawsuit surrounding SGM/Covenant Life, along with some other concerning things I’ve received as counsel from different sources connected to it, I’m feeling new bruises and seeing old ones come to light.

Both churches have 3 things in common: 

1.      Lies
2.      Deception
3.      Cover ups

As a result, everything I’ve learned is being questioned.  Everything I believe is being scrutinized.  I don’t know what to believe any more, and I don’t know who to trust.  The spiritual leaders I’ve followed so far have done nothing but let me down.  Walls are going up in my heart as I strive to save what little I have left of my faith. 

Let me just put something straight.  I am not losing my faith.  I am not renouncing my faith.  I am questioning what I have learned, DECONSTRUCTING the wrong beliefs I have, and planning on REBUILDING my beliefs when I have regained my trust.

Because that’s the root here.  My trust is broken, severed by the people I thought were supposed to be trustworthy and helpful.  My scars are so deep and my trust is so broken that the walls around my heart are getting bigger and stronger every day.  They want to keep everything that could harm me out.

And maybe that’s what I need right now.  I don’t need outside influences or controversial issues trying to reach in and sway me to their side.  I need peace, I need solitude, and I need God.  I need to be alone with my wounds so I can clean them out, bandage them, and let them heal.     

Letting this pain come to the surface and rear its ugly head has shown me that repression is not healthy.  Denial is not healthy.  Ignoring it is not healthy.  The only way I’m going to heal is by acknowledging what has broken my trust and facing it with the intention of moving past it and healing. 

However, I’m not quite sure how to do that. 
How do I face my pain? 
How do I deconstruct my faith?
How do I rebuild my faith?
How do I trust again?
How do I heal?

It feels so hard to reach, and so far to go until I get there.  Sometimes, it barely feels possible.  But my past still haunts me, and living like this day in and day out is not helping.  The pain isn’t going away and, even if it takes the rest of my life, I am going to focus on pushing forward and healing.

Now, if I could just get out of this cage.             

Puzzle Pieces

Some come, some go.
Some fit, most don't.

Lay them aside,

Look for others.

There's not enough room;

You can't befriend everyone.

But those that stick around,
Hold onto tight.

Pick the ones that fit.

Don't try to fit the ones you pick.

An outstretched hand

Could be friend or foe.

Be careful who you trust.

Wolves look like sheep.

July 8, 2013

~RDP

Fragile

Expectations break
Like shattered glass on the ground;
At my feet they lie.

Hopes and dreams crumble,
My childhood turns to rubble.
I dig for remnants.

Judgments fall harshly;
Did you even take the time
To seek out the truth?

My trust is fragile;
Break it now and it is gone,
Never to return.

Help me heal these wounds.
My voice pierces the darkness;
Can you hear me now?

Feel the pain I feel.
In desperation I cry
To know and be known.

June 28, 2013
~RDP

Wrestling with Questions and An Abusive Theology

Wrestling with Questions

What’s the difference between being discontent and desiring a change of scenery?

What’s the difference between being discontent and desiring to raise a family in a better place than you were raised?

Where do you draw the line between being unhappy with where you are and wanting something simpler, something freeing, something different, something fresh, something better for your future?

Where do you go for the answer?  

Do you look inside yourself?  

Do you look to other people and follow their example?  

Do you read a book, pour through Scripture for the magic verse that answers your soul’s conundrum?  

How do you differentiate your desires from God’s desires from others’ desires?

An Abusive Theology

I recently read a blog post by Rachel Held Evans about what some would consider an abusive theology, taught by John Piper.  That abusive theology is this: You are doing better than you deserve.  Or:  Being abused is better than you deserve. 

I was once told this phrase by someone I respect and, at the time, it made me feel better because there is some level of truth to it.  As sinners, we all deserve to burn in Hell, to be eternally damned, and to be separated from God’s Holy Presence forever.  And all these things are worse than Earthly abuse. 

BUT:  This phrase, this theology, does nothing to help the abuse victim heal.  It leaves them in a broken state with no hope for repair or recovery.  It tells them that they are lucky to have only been abused – and that is how they continue to see themselves for years afterward! 

The problem with this is that:

Abuse of any kind is NEVER okay. 
Abuse goes against the very nature of God.  God abhors abuse!

To leave an abuse victim in the mental clutches of their past abuse experiences is to sentence them to a lifetime of torment, angst, and false identity.  They continue to see themselves as a victim rather than as a valuable human being.  They cling to the thought that being a victim is their only lot in life – that they should be grateful they didn’t suffer something worse.  They wrestle with fears of being targeted again, with trusting people again, with feeling like they are only good for being an object, with feeling worthless and degraded.  

I know because I’ve been there. 

I’m going to come out and say it now:  I have been abused.  I have been abused and I am still dealing with the negative effects from that experience years later.  I’m not talking about spiritual or mental abuse, either.  I mean physical and sexual abuse.

I was touched and physically restrained, while also being emotionally manipulated, by a boy who claimed to be a Christian.  The experience scared me so much that I told my then guy-friend, now-husband, about it and he stepped in to defend me against any possible future attacks.  Thankfully, there were none, but the negative effects did not disappear.  

Right after it happened, I became immensely afraid of my abuser.  I did not want to have any contact with or see him again.
I questioned my worth. 

I struggled to trust people, especially men. 

I felt like an object.  

I felt dehumanized and violated.  

And I still have nightmares about being targeted again.    

These hurts, these feelings, are not going to go away just by believing that being abused was better than I deserved, that I’m lucky to have only been abused.  In fact, it makes me angry that this theology serves to brush abuse victims aside and tell them that they should essentially “be grateful” for being abused.   

Physical, sexual, mental, and emotional abuse are things that I do not wish on anyone at any time.  And you know what?  Neither does God.

God does not show His love for us by making us suffer on Earth.  He showed His love for us by sending His Son to suffer on Earth for us.  All the suffering and abuse in this world is caused by sin, which we chose to bring to Earth when we turned our back on God and decided to live our lives our way.  But He sent His Innocent, Perfect Son to suffer the punishment and death we deserved so that we could be adopted by Him as His beloved children.  Not His abused children, His beloved children.      

What is your take on this abusive theology?  If you have been abused, what steps have you taken to heal?   

Writing to Heal - Mentally

“I lie inside myself for hours and watch my purple sky fly over me.”  Imaginary, Evanescence

This line describes me to a T.  

What’s something you’re good at?

As an introvert, I’m good at self-reflection, or introspection.  I spend a lot of time thinking: thinking about things I’ve said, or should’ve said; things others have said, or shouldn’t have said; things that happened, or shouldn’t have happened.  I think about motives, words unspoken, and cryptic messages.  When I was younger, there were plenty of opportunities to do so, and I jumped on them.  My weak, untrained, naïve mind couldn’t grasp the consequences, however, and I caused myself a lot of grief by dwelling too much on the negatives.  I internalized so much and took things personally when I shouldn’t have.  As a result, I beat myself up for no good reason.  

1. Lack of self-esteem and self-worth caused me to feel judged by others and withdraw inside myself.

I’m not sure when this started but sometime after I turned 10 my self-esteem started to plummet.  Perhaps it was due to the various friendships I had that were going in different directions when I entered middle school and junior high.  Friends I had grown up with were pursuing other friends and leaving me behind, even though I thought we’d be friends forever.  I can see now that that only happens in rare instances and fairy tales.  At any rate, I began to feel like I wasn’t good enough for them and, subsequently, judged as some sort of weirdo because I didn’t like the same things they did.  I pulled away from them, uninterested in spending time with people who didn’t know me anymore or didn’t want to keep spending time with me.  Then there were my new friends, who soon became at odds with my old friends.  I felt torn between my two groups but couldn’t choose one group over the other.  I only disclosed certain things to certain friends, and even then there were times I would lie because I feared their rejection or judgments if they really knew the truth.  As I feared rejection more and more, I slowly isolated myself and set up defensive barriers that kept others from getting too close to my thoughts.  But I ended up defending the wrong thoughts.

2. Spiritual attacks weakened my mind

The good thing is that I know my brain is working.  The bad thing is that it usually works too much and in the wrong direction.  See, I’m not very good at arguing or debating, so when I am confronted with a fact that is logical but inherently wrong, I struggle to fight against it.  For example, when I was faced with one of Satan’s lies (“You’re worthless”), my mind considered the “facts” (I was a financial burden, I’d never be good enough, the pain and frustration wasn’t worth it, etc) and dwelt on them until they were planted so deeply in my heart that they took root and choked out any gospel truth that might’ve been there.  With no biblical foundation, I fell.  I fell far, probably to about as rock bottom as I could go, before the light of the truth reached me.  But I was so good at not fighting back, at not seeking out hope, that eventually my mind trained itself to fall into the rut of accepting the false facts as truth and live in the secrecy of the darkness.  And no one suspected anything because I didn’t trust anyone enough to admit it.  My unobtrusiveness and reclusiveness held me back in my dark corner of the world.  

And I liked it.  I lived for me, my desires, my solitude, my privacy.  No one needed to see me for who I truly was.  And why would they want to?  I was bitter, angry, and self-loathing.  Who wants to spend time with someone like that?

3. Repressed guilt ate away at me

Like I said before, I felt like a financial burden on my family.  I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes when I was 8, and besides the fact that all the health care changes were most unwelcome, the cost of my health care skyrocketed.  My medical supplies were numerous and expensive, and my family was struggling to make ends meet.  Dad’s work was unpredictable and we lived paycheck to paycheck.  I hated feeling like I was adding an extra expense to their already overwhelming list of expenses.  Those guilty feelings soon turned to anger, despair, and suicidal thoughts.  After all, if ending my pain and misery ended their financial burden, and if I would never be good enough at taking care of myself, why shouldn’t I?

4. I defended angry, hateful, depressive, and suicidal thoughts

The wall of secrecy I built in my mind harbored the very thoughts I should have been fighting against.  

• Anger toward God for giving me diabetes
• Hate for the disease that fueled my depression and pulled me into thoughts of suicide.  

I hated life and hated to think about living in the chains of diabetes for the rest of my life.  How could a loving God sentence me to such a miserable existence?  I couldn’t fathom His plan because my mind was focused on the pity party it was throwing, and hey, it was a party of which I was the focus!  Sometimes it felt like I was the only one who cared about how I felt, and I can see now that that’s because I didn’t let, want, or trust anyone else to know what was going on...not even God.  You can probably see how my self-deception led me to believe no one else cared, and so then why should I keep living?  A burden no one cares for is worthless, and they’d be better off without me.

My mind deteriorated.  I fought with myself on a daily, moment-by-moment basis.  Live or die?  

I was a coward (thanks to God) who couldn’t imagine the pain I’d inflict on my family, who, although they didn’t know me, instilled a sense of loyalty and devotion in me.  It was too much to ignore.  I held on through high school, and God met me shortly after.

I’m grateful beyond words that God met me.  He reached down, personally (through a dream), to tell me that He did care and that if I wanted to follow Him (like He could see me pretending to do) I had to turn my life around – or rather, trust Him to do it.  I wasn’t alone.  He’d been with me all along, and I believe He let me reach my lowest point so I could see clearly how much I needed Him to save me.

My defenses have been lowered.  They fell when I confessed my sin and need for His salvation.  I’ve been working to build up new defenses – walls that protect the truth of God’s love for me and the purpose He has for my life.  My worth is measured in the price Christ paid on the cross.  He was rejected and alone so I would never have to be.  He carried all of my burdens to the cross and left them there.  I am no burden.  I am a beloved daughter of God.  

And while I’m still fighting against Satan’s lies, I’m learning that I’m not fighting alone.  For every lie there is an absolute truth that cannot be changed, and there is a loving God who worked through my trials to bring me to salvation.  What’s more, He is still working in me and will continue to do so until His purpose for me has been fulfilled.  He’s doing the same for you, in your life, whether you can see it or not.  His fingerprints are all over every inch of creation.  

That’s the God I serve.  Don't make the same mistake I made.  Don't let your anger shut Him out.  Humble your heart.  He knows everything about you.  You can't hide anything from Him.  Let Him carry your burdens.  Let Him hold the position He truly is in Your life: Lord.  Let Him heal the hurts and the scars you still carry in your heart.  He's the only one who can, and He's waiting for you to run into His open, loving arms.  

“Lord, please help me to remember that You are my loving, personal God and Father.  Help me face and conquer the fears I am still facing, the fears that still dwell in my scarred mind.  Some scars run deep and I cannot heal them alone.  Give me strength to trust You in all things so that I can heal and continue to live my life fully for you.  In Your name I pray, Amen.”

Writing to Heal - Spiritually

I’ve always been a writer.  Ever since I was little, words have fascinated me.  And it’s not by chance, or by accident, that my mind is wired to creatively express itself through the use of written language.  I can’t thank God enough for this gift, this talent, He’s given me.  I think it has literally saved my life. 

I love words and I love writing.  Writing has been my pain reliever.  My journal has always been my best friend.  When hard times overwhelmed me, pen and paper comforted me.  They gave me someone to talk to, someone to confide in.  Someone who wouldn’t judge me but would listen willingly and allow me to pour out my soul with no inhibition.  I felt safe in the confines of the pages.  Books transported me to other worlds where I could focus on other people who were facing problems other than my own.  Problems I sometimes wished were my own.  But writing now allows me to see that problems in my own story are worth facing and sharing, too.  It’s in the process of sharing them that I’m healing.

I can’t number the times I’ve been hurt (who can?) but several times were enough to leave lasting scars – scars that haven’t seen the light of day yet.  They’ve been allowed to sit and fester; to linger and haunt me; to affect my life years beyond what’s good for me.  But I don’t want them anymore.  They’re about to be cast out of the dark shadows of my soul and, through writing, I’m going to heal.

Just like every sinner alive, I’ve been hurt in every way you can imagine.  I’m not going to sugarcoat anything for you.  This is real life, and there are real people out there struggling with the same things.  They need to know, like I wish I’d known, that they are not alone.  They are not unloved.  They are not worthless.  They are not an accident.  Their struggles are not in vain.  Their problems are not without a purpose.  This post will focus on the first category.  

1.  I’ve been hurt spiritually
-Poor spiritual foundation due to a lack of sound doctrine teaching in my old church.  I truly believe that had there been a stronger focus on teaching sound doctrine to the congregation, my spiritual life would not have been as neglected as it was.  As it happened, I did not receive a formal or thorough spiritual education until after I graduated from high school.  As you will see later, this delay had a detrimental impact on my spiritual, mental, and physical well-being.

-Lack of encouragement to pursue Christ as my own.  He was always my parents’ Savior, but never mine.  I was told He was a personal God, but I had no comprehension of what that meant or looked like, so I settled into the motions of pretending to be a Christian.  I wore a mask and lived a double life: the happy, Christian mask covered the face of a lost sinner ensnared in her own sin.   

-Too much emphasis on my own works and behavior for God’s favor in my life.  It was always up to me to look in the mirror, see what was wrong, and fix it.  God was just there to forgive me; to put a spiritual Band-aid on my sin.  But I needed MORE than that.  I needed a new heart…a new LIFE.  I was dead, living in perpetual sin, believing it was all up to me to live the life God wanted me to live.  But I couldn’t live that life because I was a walking dead man, alienated from the will of God.

-Lack of knowledge of God’s true character led to vulnerability, especially to lies.  Because I did not know who God truly was, or what He was truly like, it was very easy for Satan to, in the midst of my suffering, fill my head with lies about God’s nature.  I did not really know how loving, faithful, patience, gracious, and merciful God was, so Satan's deception led me to believe that He was impersonal, far away, uncaring, angry, and uninterested in my worthless little soul.  My heart was entangled in a web that could only be dispelled by the light of the Word, which did not reach me until after high school.

Through my love for creative writing, I have taken on the task of incorporating bits and pieces of my personal life into my stories.  I hope that these stories, and the characters within them, can reach out and touch the readers in a real way, right where they are.  Time and time again, I have witnessed the power of God at work in the smallest of ways, which amazingly enough, are the most personal of ways.  It is the reminder of those personal touches, as I like to think of them, that the God who made me, saved me, and loves me, is the God who delights in reaching out and touching me right where I am.  It is through those touches that I have started on the path to healing spiritually and I have faith to bring the rest of these scars to the surface.